I am 19 years old. I have spent the past 8 years struggling with depression. I have tried to kill myself three times. I have spent time in a mental hospital. I meet with a therapist twice a week and a psychiatrist once a week. I have tried several antidepressants, which so far barely have an effect. Nothing works except the various recreational drugs which I use to self medicate, such as marijuana, alcohol, prescription drugs, and whatever else I can get my hands on. I can’t remember the last time I went a full day without getting fucked up on something.
I have been cutting myself since I was twelve.  I have scars all over my body. Some look accidental, but others are unmistakably self-inflicted. I stopped cutting myself after I was hospitalized because I am afraid that I will be sent back if I do it again. Now I hurt myself in other ways so no one can tell. I hit my head against the wall until it starts bleeding and I slap myself in the face until my rings leave a bruise.
I have wanted to commit suicide since I was thirteen, when I read a book in which one of the characters slits her wrists. I think about it all the time. I want to do it right now.  I want to walk over to the window and jump out and splatter on the sidewalk nine stories down, so I never have to feel like this again.
I know deep down that I am a bad person. I lie and I cheat and I steal, sometimes for no reason other than to prove that I can get away with it. I am weak. I was born blessed with so much, and I have thrown it all away. I have done nothing for the people who love me but disappoint and hurt them. There is something wrong with me. There is something dark and evil that lives inside me, slowly destroying me and filling me with blackness.
To top it all off, a few weeks ago I was sexually assaulted by my childhood crush. He is my next door neighbor, and he also goes to the same college as me. I spent the night at his frat house one night because we had been hanging out and I didn’t want to walk back to my dorm in the rain. In the middle of the night I woke up and he was touching me.  He put his fingers inside of me. I didn’t know what to do so I pretended I was still sleeping. He kept going for hours until he finally fell asleep, and I left.
Ever since then I have been getting worse. I barely eat or sleep. I do stupid, dangerous things because my life is not important to me. I drive too fast, I take unidentifiable drugs from people I don’t know, I have unprotected sex with sketchy guys I meet at bars. I feel dirty. I want to take off all my cloths and wash all the bad things away. I hate myself. I want to claw my skin off. I want to be someone else. I want to sleep forever. But what I want most of all is to never, ever have to feel anything ever again.
4 comments
I know what you are going through and I can feel your pain. Wish there was sth I could do to slightly relieve your pain.
For some reason I can not explain I feel compeled to tell you to fake it until you make it. Take a shower and pretend you are washing off all the depression, all the bad, everything you hate. Then wrap up in a robe or towel and go to sleep for awhile and imagine God is holding you, cleansing you and giving you a fresh start. Fake it until you feel it. Hold on. Just keep hanging in there until you and even the people around you start to see something different. It is never too late to change, the problem is only in starting… so start. The only thing you have to lose is everything you hate about yourself and your life. What you have to gain is a whole world of awareness, sometimes people hurt and feel so deeply sad because they are destined for a greatness too wonderful to imagine. I wish I was your friend because I feel you are capable of such great things, if only you will let yourself let go of the bad and don’t be afraid of smiling and feeling good. If only for a few seconds at a time, until you can’t imagine or remember the pain you feel now. Hang on, I love you. Go take that shower Kiddo, you deserve to feel better.
This is my story that I copied from a post I made to someone else. I was going to read a few of these and just paste it in to try to offer words of hope. But when I read your story something lead me tell you to take a shower and start your life over when you get out. Well you shared so if you aren’t heading to the shower yet you might as well read my story… I tried when I was 14, I took all the asprin we had in the house. The entire bottle. I didn’t want sympathy, I wanted to never feel pain again. Obviously I didn’t die. Have I felt emotional pain since then? Oh yes, much worse than I ever imagined at that young age. But ask me if I have felt joy and I will show you pictures of three of the most beautiful children on earth, a wonderful husband, and grandchildren that bring me happiness I still feel I don’t deserve. I never tried again though the thought creeps in every decade or so mostly because I have low self esteem and struggle with some depression. But I am here to tell you, WAIT! Pray and think long and hard before you try again. If I could have seen a “Good day glimpse” of the life I have now, I would never have tried that day. I thank God I was not sucessful. Do I always have happy days? No and I can’t say you will never feel bad again, but I promise if you wait, you will one day be so very very glad you did. I wish I had the power to let you see a “Good day glimpse” in to your future, but all I can do is tell you I can guarantee it is out there if you wait for it. ♥ Life is like a mystery and we can’t jump ahead to the end, we have to read the whole book and hope they make it in to a movie with a really sexy star playing our part! ♥
Sweetie, you have what rich and famous people want. You have your youth and time. You can be anything and be anybody. Just hang on, your 20’s are going to be great!