again

he came back last night. it was him trying to break in. i yelled out, babe? is that you? he said yes in a very tired tone. i opened. i can’t describe the feeling i had when i saw him standing there. he said he was there knocking our secret knock for a while. that explained the sounds i was hearing but was too scared to check it out. he was physically and emotionally drained. so was i. he held me and i just cried. i cried because i realized how weak i am without him. he cried too. he said he is scared to loose me. i realized how much he loves me. i didn’t feel it but i saw it. i don’t feel loved. i feel hated by everyone. and then i feel guilty that i feel so bad. everyone says that i am ungrateful but they don’t understand what it feels like to slowly loose feeling. it seems that to him last night was just a moment because tonight was just the same. the fighting. i left this time. i feel like he is not with me anymore- not in love anymore. i wonder what the point is of being with someone that has changed to the point where everything is a fight and he seems not to care. he is fed up. and so am i. im sick. i can’t help that. he should be understanding. he should show he cares. he doesn’t do that. he just stays silent. i hate it. i hate this situation. i feel trapped. how am i supposed to have relationships with people if my bipolar ways ruins them all? how does one live that way? i can’t stand the thought of being alone. i need someone there always. if not then i fear i will go insane. alone i can’t get better. i need help. i need someone who can fight it with me. i cant repair myself.
so tonight i left. i want him to feel alone. i want him to know the silence. the empty feeling. i want him to understand. im not sure if it will work. im doing more damage to myself because…i miss him so much.