Well, i felt the need to tell you people about myself a little because ive only been posting my stories. so here it goes:
im a male. First found out i was suicidal at the age of 14. looked up more about it later on and found out i suffer from major depression and suicidal thoughts. ever since 14 its been a steady decline in my positive mo0d and happiness. i now am 16 and very depressed and extreamly suicidal. i know im going to commit suicide. there is no doubt about that. the only question is to either do it at 16 or 17. lately its been looking 16. i dont mind though. cause even if i lived to 18, i intend to join the army at which point i dont intend of making it out of. im not one of those ignorant, stupid teens who have no idea what im doing or talking about. im fully well aware of what im doing and how suicide affects things. im not killing myself over some girl, or some car i cant get, or parents divorsing, or money problems, its cause i literally hate myself to the maximum degree. I hate myself. i know i do. i love guns. i have three of my own. an assault rifle, a sniper rifle, and a pistol. i also have a number of knives, flares, and small explosives. ive tried to commit suicide once already with my pistol. (another story) and i also used to pop pills but one of my closest friends helped me stop. i have a couple of “friends” but only two are very close friends. one of which i do love with all my heart (shes a girl. same age. beautiful.) and the other is a girl also but we are just very close friends. for explaing purposes i will call the girl who i love girl L (for love) and girl C(for close). lets start with girl C. she and i first met about a year ago and found we are two of the same. we both suffer from depression and always try to help eachother before ourselves. she helped me stop popping pills and she also was the first person to see me cry since 8 years. (another story for another time) she has helped me through alot and she is a very good friend but has a bad home and she cuts herself (in which i dont approve of) and so i worry for her and her saftey. Girl L is probably my closest friends but dosent know alot about me. she knows of my depression and sometime suicidal thoughs but i havent told her of my life of depression. she has been friends with me for about 5 years now and we are still close friends. she is person i could trust the most. she fortunatly does not suffer from depression and she is a pretty happy person. she is perfect over all and i am truely in love with her. ive known i loved her for about 2 1/2 years now and i love her more than anything else. i hope to always have her in my life no matter what for however long i live. she is truely smart and is completley beautiful. if anything bad would ever happen to her i would probably shoot myself because i wouldnt know what to do without her. continuing on myself: i hate smoking, and ive seen people get completely addicted and throw their life away because of it. i dont mind drinking. i drink myself and it does help ease pain sometimes. o, and i also suffer from PTSD (also another story) and it has made my depression worse. i dont intend to live past age 22. i would be suprised if i live to 18. i was never afraid of death and have already accepted it. i wont hurt many, if anyone at all, if i commit suicide, so i want to die by my guns. and even if i hurt someone with my death, they will except it and quickly get over it. my mind and my heart is split up into two. my mind is my smarts, my depression and suicidal thoughts and my heart is my love and caring but is weak and my mind will soon win. im sorry i wasted your guys time with my rambling but i thought at least some knowledge of me might of been interesting.
3 comments
Hello,
I must warn you, although my words are harsh, I truly speak for your sake, so take all my words with a grain of salt.
I respect your decision, that’s your life. I believe everyone on this world has a right to do what they wish, as long as its in good intention. You have the right to kill yourself in good intention, but I also have the right to come onto this site, and reason with this first article I see, in good intention.
Already stating you wasted our time is already false. Of course reading these stories isn’t a waste of time: its an eye opener for all of us: each and every story. Your life touches me in your words, and I honestly feel your pain, no flattery involved. Although my specialty deals with teen crushes, the stories I get from people all over the world are never wasted time.
Now, you’re a smart, intelligent, and thoughtful guy, and you say you’ve thought this through. From what you’ve described to me, ethics-wise, skills-wise, you’re not that great. Yeah, you thought the world wouldn’t be losing much from your death productivity wise. However, what of you to L and C? Sure, you’re not a great person in the eyes of society, but what about them? Most likely, you’re a part of their life, something that when taken away, would create a gap that’d take years to fill. For them, your skills or thought-process don’t matter: its your simple essence of “you” that they continue to friend you. Sure, you might be a gun enthusiast, not have a plan in life, and drink, but despite those flaws, they still find light in you.
Now snuff out that light in their lives, and what happens then? They move on with life in 2 weeks? No, that’s shit (sorry). You care about your safety, yet why can’t we say they care about yours? Just imagine. The pain that they’d be going through would be the pain you’d feel if one of them died. That’s shit, right (again, apologies)?
What I feel like you have are 2 wonderful people who have the ability to bring you out of your mess, and would GLADLY want to help you. Why not ask for their truest assistance? I doubt they’d get bothered helping you, despite what you say, because they don’t want to lose the bond they have with you.
Think of it this way. In “Welcome to the NHK”, 2 people form a “hostage” pact. They are both “hostages” of the conspiracy “NHK”, and thus agree when one of them dies, the other dies too. Truly living for one another. Those girls are probably the only reason why you live now, so why disturb their lives? Yes, some people will disagree with me, but consider living for their sake and happiness, if you care so much about them and their safety. See them live to good health, and surpass to places where you could’ve never gone.
Of course, my words are just words, so interpret them and choose them as you wish. I hope you choose a decision that’s right for your sake, and just for the record, good luck.
Hi,
Ok, I dont see anything irretrievable or unsolvable there. I truly believe your case can be improven and solved. It is a relatively easy case for a profi. You are not pointing exogenous causes as a divorce, loss of someone etc. You seem to say you hate yourself and are depressed since long yet there is not a mention as to why. You dont seem to dedicate attention to that, and to me, is the key.
Before I forget. The one thing I would earnestly ask you to do straighaway is to separate yourself from those guns and armory you have. You understand a depressed person should no way come close to those things. If you have parents ok, talk to any of them and tell them about it so that they lock those guns in a safe away from your reach. After you have done that, start the process of getting better by contacting the right help. Do it together with friend C, so that you will be able to get friend L. That sounds to me pretty rewarding.
But why you hate yourself, that should be answered or found out. (its basis could be biochemical, whose problem is easily solved, so dont think that there is something deep wrong with that at all, it is one of the easiest things to treat)
It looks to me, that you hate being depressed., not actually you hate yourself you hate the pain of that and then you associate it with you. Being depressed of course translates into the wrong attitude for many things which in turn translates into bad results which translates into bad news and this into an association of yourself with the bad luck or results or events. As if you were patenting a style of doing things and you made yourself be hated because you always get those results. Also, being depressed means taking events or bad news in a very different way than a stable person. It will sink him even deeper. For example, suppose you were going on a excursion to the mountains and you have to take the bus to it with your friends. For whatever the cause, that bus is cancelled. Then the depressed person would go: “I knew this was going to happen, whenever i want something nice always has to be screwed up, I am damned”. He doesnt want to seek for alternatives, just goes back to his room and continues the curse and the selfhatred, “holyshit, fuck myself, i am fucked up etc etc etc). However, a person who is not depressed would go, alright lets take another bus or lets go to the lake or to the aquapark or whatever.
I am not saying at all this is, because that would take deep analysis from an expert and also your opinion as the expert talks, but that would make sense. At least, it has happened to me.
Why dont you two guys, I mean girl C undertake the help needed from outside ? It is very good to support each other, but in your case it seems to come from inside, while in hers, it is her family.
The right shrink and I do emphasize the Right schrink does make wonders. If he/she is not the right one, drop himher straightaway and get another one until you find himher. I say this because I have seen it working on one of my friends a girl whose mother abused her in the bath tub since she was 8. She had a deep depression through her youth (boozing up etc) until the age of 19 or so when she started visiting a female shrink. She completely recovered, has a fine boyfriend etc. What I mean, if it is the right one, it does work in cases like you.
So, throw those guns and armory away, tell your dad to lock them up away from your reach. Talk to girl C. Tell her you two want to start the improving process by seeking out the right help, the right shrink, counselor whatever.
You have a girl L that you want. So come on, there is a lot of reward in there.
O
I find it appalling that your 16 and allowed lethal weapons… SIXTEEN!!!!!
I’m 17 and my mum still doesn’t put alcohol in the fridge.
How could you hate yourself if you have those people who’ve stayed by you for song long? I mean, if there always there for you and appreciate you then you can’t be such a bad person right?
14 years old, something must have happened to make you start feeling this way even something small could’ve had a big impact, did something happen?