At the age of 19, in November of 2008, I hung myself and lived.  There are wooden dowels caddy-cornered in my room.  I tied a towel around one and put my head through until I passed out.  When I woke up, my head was still hung in such a way that I shouldn’t have.
I was involuntarily baker-acted. Â For about a year I was on Lexapro. Â Now, I’m on a drug called Pristiq. Â I take vitamin B12 on top of that.
Still, I am seeing a psychiatrist. Â It doesn’t help. Â I have nightmares every single night and no one really cares about them, but to me they feel real. Â My psychiatrist said I should just sleep less. Â I have tried everything: watching happy movies, a balanced diet, a good sleep schedule and routine-none of it helps.
I’m still planning to kill myself. Â I bruise myself instead of cutting because bruises fade and cuts leave scars. Â I’ve downed a bunch of aspirin before too. Â I try not to focus on suicide, but I know it’s still a thought within me.
I would be missed if I left this world, but people don’t realize that they are selfish for wanting me to live.
2 comments
Hi. Just to make you feel at ease, my “advice” does not equal “truth”. This is just from my personal experiences, I hope you can find me useful but please analyze my advice if you care to listen to it, not blindly accepting it.
I have gone to a psyciatrist for most of my life. Personally, I think going to a psyciatrist is B.S. No one knows your problems better than you, and someone who dictates how you ‘should be’ and in the processes changes you, probably doesn’t care that much about your problems. Thats why I stopped desiring for other people to help me with my issues. I realized my psyciatrist Doesn’t understand me, all she just did was popped pills into my mouth to change my chemical biology, so I could be a person that society wants me to be. I
I could go on and on about how I have wanted to end my life many times because I felt like a lab-rat to other people, an experiament for other people to play with because they doe not like me for the way I am, but I’ll save the story. Again, I don’t intend for you to just swallow all I have to say like how your psyciatrist just tells you to be an ‘ideal’ person, but I think what I’m saying could help if taken seriously, since this is your life and all, which I believe is serious.
Try to view the obstacles in your life as an illusion. They don’t actually have any effect on them unless you believe they do. The obsticles aren’t a threat to your existence, your perception of the obstacles is a threat to your existence.
Please don’t take this as encouragement, but I felt it might help to let you know that I support everyone’s right to take their own life in a way that’s clean, safe, painless, and humane. I believe there are people in the world who are literally *forced* to cope because of this notion that life is so “sacred” that not even the person who owns that life is allowed to violate that sanctity. Perhaps the majority of those with depression or other psychological issues can be “cured” or can at least maintain their symptoms, but it’s not so impossible for me to believe that maybe some people can’t be cured, and that the effort of “maintaining” for some is simply too great.
I’m sorry you feel the way you do, and that you feel so out-of-control of your own life. Perhaps it’s not “normal” to have no survival instinct, but it harms no one else, so I don’t see why you should be forced to fight “the good fight” if you don’t want to, or don’t have the energy.
That being said, I hope things do improve for you, and that maybe there’s a way to be free of your pain that doesn’t involve death. But just know that not everyone believes you should be held prisoner to your life, as if you can’t really *WANT* to die. I believe you.