my family betrays their desire for me to “be normal” and “feel better” with their actions. these are not the actions of people who believe in me. these are not the actions of people who think my illness and symptoms are legitimate. these are not the actions of people who truly care about my well being. i have no one but myself, and even then the one i have is the one i’m trying to kill. those who are not chronically depressed, who don’t feel the lurking sensation of death and negativity hiding behind every thought and action, those who can live freely and overcome […]
mom got mad at me for going to see a friend after work without telling them. understandable. told me that no one will ever be able to care for me for very long. told me she should take me to the hospital bc she thinks im getting crazy again and that there’s something really wrong with me. says i need to be normal like everyone else. says she she wishes she couldn’t worry about me anymore and that i stress her out too much. told me to move out bc she thinks i hate my family. told me to go die after she thought I […]
things seem like they’re going quite well, except that i can’t escape an underlying feeling of dread and the desire to end my life. no matter how hard i try to be happy it will linger and oftentimes take over once the evening hits.
im not in the mood to argue today. im going to my friends birthday whether it makes my parents mad or not. i’ll deal with it later. all i do is work. I deserve to give myself a break. I’ll probably feel like shit later and want to die, but it’s not like that isn’t every night for me anyway
Hope is one of the cruelest feelings on earth. It tricks you into thinking that everything will get better, that the present isn’t as bad as it seems, and that those who made you feel like garbage have some redemption.
I really, really hate hope.
I thought my parents were beginning to understand me. I was more wrong about that than I have been about anything in my entire life.
My father wants the addresses of every single friend that I go see. He checks the mileage on my car to see how much I’ve been traveling and if it matches up with what I tell him. He […]
I almost ended my life tonight.
I got into a huge argument with not only my parents, but my grandparents, who I believed understood me more than my parents did; I was also publicly humiliated in front of my friends, in a situation where my parents and grandparents ran out in front of my house, in front of the car my friends were in, all just to yell at me.
I had to tell my friends to leave immediately. My parents talked to me for two hours and tried to tell me that family is all I have. That they’re the only ones who will ever truly […]
No one will ever believe you, in all of truth’s entirety, until you’re dead. No one will completely understand the pain you were going through or how serious you were, until they find your body.
Not your parents, not your friends, not your doctors.
You only have yourself until you’re dead.
I’m not quite sure if becoming a user of this forum is a means of an end or a coping method. At this point, it really couldn’t matter less.
One day, perhaps, I will fully disclose the ‘origin story’ (this phrase is funny to me, as if comparing the origins of my condition to the origins of a superhero’s powers); the entire tale of my descent into severe depression, my incessant and quite honestly obsessive thoughts of suicide that had lasted every day for a year, and my journey through psychiatric hospitalization. At one point, I had felt that these points in my life were important and […]