On the 29th of December.
I lost my virginity.
To my now ex boyfriend.
I didn’t say no.
But I most definitely didn’t say yes.
I was too scared.
He was emotionally manipulative and I knew that “no” wasn’t an answer to him.
So I kept my mouth shut.
I lay there.
And took it.
It only occurred to me today that it was wrong.
I’m a fucking idiot.
But now I can’t breath.
I want to rip my skin off.
Every part he touched now burns with repulsion and I can’t take it.
Fuck
Life is interesting isn’t it ?
You take two grown adults with sexual desires. Minus protection. Equals a brand new human being.
They didn’t ask to be born.
They didn’t ask to be alive.
And now the have responsibilities and expectations to meet up to.
They didn’t ask for any of this.
Now they have to partake in education. Socialisation. Adulthood. Getting a job. Having a life.
A life that will just end.
And you’re expected to just be fine with this. This life you’ve been given.
‘people have it worse than you’ they tell me, ‘what a time to be alive’ they say.
But at the […]
Have you ever woken up and felt like there’s just this gigantic boulder on you holding you down ? And there’s no way you can move it. And you don’t have the energy to even try. So you just accept your fate and lie there being crushed by its weight. Even when people are screaming at you to get up. And you try to explain to them that you physically can’t. Nothing can break you out of this trance.
You stay under this boulder until the day it finally suffocates you.
That was my morning. How was yours ?
Walked out of class because I couldn’t stop crying the moment I arrived. What’s wrong with me ?
I went to the cemetery on the hill my favourite place to go. And I just lay on top of an above the ground grave. And I cried.
I cried until I was numb.
I cried until I was screaming.
Then I just lay there. In silence. The wind blowing on my skin and the sun beating down on me.
I couldn’t really feel it but I didnt care. Because this was the first time I had felt at peace in weeks.
I lay there limp and emotionless. Anyone walking past […]
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t feel anything anymore and I can’t stop crying.
I’ve started cutting again.
I’ve started drinking again.
And attempting to throw up my food.
It’s all come back so fast it feels like the world is crashing down on me and I can’t take it.
I need everything to just stop for a few days. College, the future, Time , Life.
I just need to disappear and I fear if I don’t find a way then I’ll just kill myself.
I’m so fucking tired I just cant do this anymore.
I give up.