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Cemetery On The Hill

by AJ

Walked out of class because I couldn’t stop crying the moment I arrived. What’s wrong with me ?

I went to the cemetery on the hill my favourite place to go. And I just lay on top of an above the ground grave. And I cried.

I cried until I was numb.
I cried until I was screaming.

Then I just lay there. In silence. The wind blowing on my skin and the sun beating down on me.

I couldn’t really feel it but I didnt care. Because this was the first time I had felt at peace in weeks.

I lay there limp and emotionless. Anyone walking past would’ve thought I was dead I’m sure of it. Not that anyone would care. They’d just leave me there to rot amongst the dead.

And that’s where I decided I was going to die. When I was ready.

On that beautiful grave with my beautiful death. Poetic .

But for now I have to keep going. I won’t last much longer but I still have him. And he makes life worth living.

I miss my cemetery on the hill.

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FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/22/2017 - 12:19 pm

Dear Angel,

I know u’r in pain
& I know u feel like there’s no hope out of this

I’m a stranger to you
but I do care
& I swear to you I wouldn’t have left you there on that hill…

I would have came to u, running

I really really want to help out
or at least listen to you…

I know you can’t see it
but there is hope…
& we can find a way

you don’t have to disappear
& you don’t have to go

Do you think we can talk about this?
I wanna know what’s troubling you & what’s making you so sad…

Can you give me a chance?

_Angel_x 5/22/2017 - 2:52 pm

I do have to go. But it’s okay, some people just weren’t meant for life.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/22/2017 - 2:55 pm

okay, why do you have to go?
can we, maybe, talk about this?

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/22/2017 - 3:00 pm

how did it all start?

_Angel_x 5/22/2017 - 5:25 pm

It started with everyone leaving. And nobody caring. Talking solves nothing. I’ve had enough talking. 5 whole years and I’m still this way.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/22/2017 - 6:06 pm

Okay angel,
I understand
& it’s okay

I’m only asking that you try me…
can you give me a chance?
just one chance

who are everyone?

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/22/2017 - 5:38 pm

Okay angel,
I understand
& it’s okay

I’m only asking that you try me…
can you give me a chance?
just one chance

who are everyone?

_Angel_x 5/22/2017 - 6:27 pm

Everyone I’ve ever met. Ever trusted. Ever believed loved me when they were just lying.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/22/2017 - 6:49 pm

okay

3 things

[1]
i know i’m just one person
& we barely know one another
i don’t even know ur name

but can u count me as one person who cares?

it’s not a trick or a lie
I wouldn’t be here with you
having this talk
if i didn’t care

can we maybe try
to re describe the situation now
& say
that u have one person who cares

[2]
u say “i still have *him*”

would i be correct if i count *him* with me as a second member in my, currently, very small team of “People who care about Angel”?
cuz it’s only me here so far
& i could really use some company
🙂
if the answer is no, then that’s sad but I guess I’ll just have to accept it & move forward to other points

but if the answer is yes, can u please introduce me to my new team member?
who is *him*?

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/22/2017 - 6:50 pm

I’ll wait a bit on thing number [3]

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/22/2017 - 9:15 pm

okay angel,
i need to get some sleep
& i’ll be back

I apologize if my poor attempt at humor pushed you off
I’m just really trying to get u to smile even if for just a brief moment

I really hope we can continue this conversation
tc

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 2:25 am

‘him’ is the boy I love.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 3:13 am

okay… if I may say, i’m glad to hear it

so can we maybe add him to the list / team?

or is the love, currently, from ur side only?

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 5:55 am

As far as I know he loves me. But people lie so I guess I’ll never really know.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 6:03 am

If i may, I say we trust him & count him in…

so would it be okay with u
if we now say
that 2 people care?

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 6:05 am

Why do you even care ? You don’t know me. I’m a horrible person.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 6:06 am

& i’m not saying that it has to be a big deal 4 u or that it has to mean a lot, if u don’t feel that way
but just for the sake of keeping count…

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 6:10 am

i care because u’r a human being
& horrible or not
ur life does matter

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 6:12 am

It’s sweet that you care for me as you do, but life does not matter. Especially mine. Everything will end and no one will remember anyone. Might as well get it I over with.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 6:18 am

Look
can we agree that,
for the time being,
each of us has one thing
that the other can’t understand
At least just for now…

I will accept the sad fact that,
right now,
i can’t understand why you want to go…

In return
I need you to accept the,
perhaps annoying
fact
that,
right now,
you can’t understand why I care…

can u accept that & still talk to me despite the fact that it’s probably annoying to you?

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 6:23 am

You’re not annoying me. I just fail to understand why you’re wasting your time on me. I’m definitely not worth it Hun.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 6:32 am

glad to know i’m not annoying u…

dearest
it’s as I said,
u can’t understand y i see more than a million reason that makes u definitely so worth the time [ which cancels the possibility that my time is being wasted ]

& i can’t understand y u wanna go so badly…

can u help me understand…
i want to hear ur story… long or short, good or bad, important or not important…

maybe as u help me understand what went wrong & y u wanna leave
maybe, just maybe
i can help u understand y i’m asking u to stay

okay?

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 8:15 am

I don’t have the energy to explain. You don’t need to know about my life. You simply need to know it is a cycle of self hate for myself and others. If I don’t kill myself I am bound to kill another.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 9:01 am

I can understand *inclined* / *tempted* to kill… but “bound”… what makes u so sure?

& y hate urself?
& y hate others?
are there reasons?

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 9:15 am

Just the way I am. I’m bound to to at some point.

I hate myself because I am a disgusting guy human being.

I hate others because I’ve come to find that people are scum.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 9:31 am

okay, before i comment
just a side question

r u a boy or a girl ? 🙂

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 9:35 am

not that it would matter in anything
i just like to have an abstract imagination of the person i’m talking to
that’s all

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 9:59 am

I am a girl.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 10:05 am

oh okay… i thought so, but when i read ” guy human being” … got me a bit confused 🙂

okay
i’ll skip the “bound” part for now

what makes u a bad person?

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 11:47 am

The way I think, the way I am, the things I say. Just, everything.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 12:44 pm

alright…

important question…

do u feel it’s logical to think that these things are unchangeable?

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 1:10 pm

You can’t change the way someone thinks. Once they’re set on an idea it’s almost impossible to change it.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 1:19 pm

angel, it’s not me who’ll change ur mind or how u think or feel about urself or others or life…

do i wish i could?
u bet…
& right here
right now
i wish it more than anything in the world

but sadly i know i can’t,
no matter how much my heart bleeds out for it

but You can

you can change the things u hate about urself / the things that make u hate urself
& you can change the way you think
& you can change the ideas you’r set on, it’s not impossible, not even almost…

_Angel_x 5/23/2017 - 3:50 pm

I fail to believe I can. But your enthusiasm is appreciated.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/23/2017 - 8:28 pm

apologies for the delay…
could we talk about your day ?
How’s ur day like, on average?

_Angel_x 5/24/2017 - 5:50 am

Out of 10 it’s a 2. I just want to die.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/24/2017 - 6:03 am

I can relate 🙁
it’s okay…

Can you tell me what makes up the 2
& what do you think could fill in the remaining 8
?

_Angel_x 5/24/2017 - 8:16 am

I don’t know, the weather makes me feel a little less numb I guess, which makes it a 2 instead of a 1. As for adding on 8. Death.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/24/2017 - 8:33 am

I’m glad to know that the weather counts

I happen to be a bit of a nerd when it comes to math & science
so this part of me is gonna come out now
& I’d say
I disagree

I’d say that “Death” is a (-2) or a (-x) [where (x) is the current rating of your life]
& so “Death” does nothing but bring this equation to (0)
which is something u never really experienced before
& is not necessarily a good thing

was that wierd? 😀

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/25/2017 - 11:40 am

I turned you off again, didn’t I ?
It’s really that bad… my sense of humor
🙁
I promise I’ll try not to make any new jokes again…
I just really hope we could continue talking

[On other news: we almost lost Mehikka yesterday [the girl you talked to before, u asked about why she didn’t jump]… gave me one big scare but she’s okay now, if u wanna say something check her posts: “Last Goodbye” & “Little Sister”]

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