Author

AarinaDaae

An Imaginative Title

by AarinaDaae 6/17/2014

written by AarinaDaae

What the hell is wrong with me? I wrestle in my mind constantly, “I need help. You have access to it but you need to make the first step.” “No, you don’t need help. What makes you think you are worth getting help for anyway? You are just being stupid. Suck it up, nancy.” It’s a constant struggle and I don’t know who to listen to.

I know in the end, that, that is going to be the final decision…the end. The anxieties I feel every day contribute to more and more problems. I just cannot gain control over my life. Hell…I can’t even gain control […]

6/17/2014 1 comment

No More; I’m Finished.

by AarinaDaae 6/13/2014

written by AarinaDaae

Usually, I start out my posts in metaphors and similies because that is how my brain works. That is how I think…constantly making connections and drawing lines. This time, I am going to just full out rant and rave because I’m finished.

I’ve screamed for help. I’ve got to counselors and I’ve gone to friends. I get shut out every time. No one believes me when I say that I am so anxious, scared, and depressed that I would find any way to make it stop. Last night, I sliced my arm open ready to let red run. Unfortunately, I didn’t die. My cut let out […]

6/13/2014 3 comments

Red Runs

by AarinaDaae 6/11/2014

written by AarinaDaae

I haven’t cut since High School. I worked myself up and away from the self destruction. Now, as I sit here and watch the red run, I wonder how I allowed myself to get back to this place. Blood truly is thicker than water…

6/11/2014 1 comment

Silenced

by AarinaDaae 6/10/2014

written by AarinaDaae

I don’t know how many times I’ve started to type. “H-E-“, No! Stop! People have their own problems and worries. Why should they stop to help me? Would I stop to help me? I don’t know how many times I’ve heard my inner voice scream with the intensity of a million suns. Many people read this post and think, “Oh, it’s just another chick asking for attention.” I honestly wish that were the case.

The darkness is getting darker, and the sun has faded away. I no longer see light, just softer grey’s. My hope has flown away with birds. I’ve cut communication. I can no […]

6/10/2014 1 comment

Water

by AarinaDaae 6/9/2014

written by AarinaDaae

I am breathing, but barely. Life was, “O-K”, for a while. And then…And then my life nosedived. My mental state went from being stable to barreling into the Mariana’s Trench. I ate, but the food had no taste. I drank, but nothing was cool enough. I saw but everything was in grayscale. I felt nothing. Not the wind in my face, nor the heat of the bath. I felt my heartbeat in my chest as if it were a taunting reminder of the cord that holds me to life.

Moving on in the night, I once gained a sense of comfort from cleaning; and so I […]

6/9/2014 2 comments

Update: A Newer New Low

by AarinaDaae 5/14/2014

written by AarinaDaae

So, if you read my previous post, “A New Low”, you’ll understand the title and the following post.

So, I wasn’t fired from my job. Instead, they have decided to make my life so unbearably miserable that I want to quit. Today, literally, no one spoke to me. I would initiate conversation or ask a question and no one would respond. Unless I died and I just haven’t realized it, I would think that the least people could do is answer questions so that I could go about doing my miserable job. If i’m wrong, by all means, please point it out. I’m not being provided […]

5/14/2014 9 comments

A New Low

by AarinaDaae 5/12/2014

written by AarinaDaae

My depression has been beyond bad for the past two weeks. I don’t think there’s been more than a 3 hour period where I didn’t think about ending it…ending life. And today, I’ve hit a new low. Not only did I make a mistake that I don’t remember doing, I’m being fired for it. I lost my job that provided my housing and most of my food. I now have to tell my bosses at my other job how much of a screw-up I am and move back home to face my parents. In my family, you don’t quit and you do everything 1000% to […]

5/12/2014 5 comments

Why:The Un-poem

by AarinaDaae 5/11/2014

written by AarinaDaae

Click.
Send Message.
DELETE.

Why do you do that? Why can’t you send a simple message asking for help? You need it and you know it. Why is it so difficult to ask for help? To reach out? Why is there such shame in asking for help that could mean life or death? I’m not afraid to ask for help. Truth? I hate being a burden. It’s not easy dealing with someone who is depressed and suicidal. We all know it. By reaching out, I am taking up valuable time in someone’s day. I’m taking up resources. Man, why am I such a screw up? Can’t […]

5/11/2014 1 comment

Sunrise;Sunset

by AarinaDaae 5/10/2014

written by AarinaDaae

I have started this post a number of times and always find myself deleting everything. My words speak a story that sounds like a pathetic, whiny, “look at me” tale, however, that is not my intention. I simply want to be able to say what I need to say and say it in a way that is an accurate depiction of my thoughts and feelings without someone interrupting me or yelling at me saying, “Everythings going to be ok!” or “Why are you complaining so much?” If I have found myself here, obviously, everything is not ok. If I am complaining, then so be it. […]

5/10/2014 0 comment

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