I don’t know how many times I’ve started to type. “H-E-“, No! Stop! People have their own problems and worries. Why should they stop to help me? Would I stop to help me? I don’t know how many times I’ve heard my inner voice scream with the intensity of a million suns. Many people read this post and think, “Oh, it’s just another chick asking for attention.” I honestly wish that were the case.
The darkness is getting darker, and the sun has faded away. I no longer see light, just softer grey’s. My hope has flown away with birds. I’ve cut communication. I can no longer communicate normally. I am split. During the day, you would think no different of me. By night, you would not recognize the condensed shriveled version of myself. No one notices I’m gone.
I should be thankful, I guess. Should I end my “life,” there is no one around to miss me. Is that really something to be thankful for? I often think that I gave my all to keep relationships and looking back at the end, I’d say I did. There’s not much left to me except a gaping hole and dead white scars. I guess this is where people say, “No! Don’t! I”m sure you have at least one thing to live for.” The answer is that I do. I do have things that I am passionate about and things/people to live for but the point of the matter is that one can only live so long without a heart.
It’s been confirmed by many that I have no emotion. I am not arguing. I am in a relationship but I feel no love..no spark. My own father questioned if I loved him. I traveled hours to “home” seeking the love and company of my family. I stayed in an empty two story house for four days. No one came. This is the essence of my existence. But then again…to pay a penny for a thought is silly. Wait and charge a dollar because thoughts are so much more when you’re a goner.
1 comment
Hey babe, I’m really sorry for all that you’re going through and I’m especially sorry that you feel your voice isn’t worth being heard. You are worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for and if you stick around you could mean the world to someone out there, even if it’s not what you see right now. I know what you’re experiencing when it comes to communication. It feels like dying inside and every time it happens it takes away a part of your heart, another piece of the puzzle and makes you more incomplete. It’s hard to feel excited about anything and you can hear it in your voice. But it’s not irreversible, and even though you’re wounded you can recover. The light inside of us only goes out if we let it. You need to find something that you love and excites you. You think nobody would miss you but I know what it’s like and the thought of it tears me apart.
I’m sorry if my advice isn’t helpful, but I really do care about you and I hope you’ll get through this. Check out the song Amsterdam – Coldplay. It really reminds me of what this is we’re experiencing xx