Abiron

The pain to go in front of the mirror and see someone else staring back

The pain getting through school and being called a women for god knows how many fucking times

The pain when people make you feel like a women

The pain when the real you suffocates emotionally because no one will cope with seeing them or meeting them for once

The pain in those days were you feel severe dysphoria and no matter how much you fucking try to hide it it doesn’t hide enough

The pain when your parents expect you to look beautiful, and expect you to change because they don’t like you for you

The […]

no. I shouldnt be here anymore. Im so fucking anxious right now. I swear if i see more flaws on myself or flaws that worsened i want to gain the guts to fucking kill myself like i had the balls to before. I wasnt born right, lets just leave it that way. Even with AB+ grades school is a disaster. People dont call me by the person im meant to be. I live a lie at school. My identification there is a lie. No one in real life will ever fucking understand. In terrified of my mild eating disorder and the scale. I cant bare […]

I had to deal with myself before my dad came, now I have to deal with him everyday nagging at me for not dressing normal.

I’m transgender. I’m about to drug myself up.

Always seem to be leaving out information. Always seeming to be daydreaming about how gorgeous and how less confusing I’d be if depression, ADHD, aspergers, Bi-polar, and others weren’t knocking on my door each and every time to fuck around. Damn it…that one little light of hope man..I can feel that happiness when I daydream…only to look back in reality and feeling depression swinging right back into my soul again, preventing me from feeling anything…

It’s right there man…that little happiness is still there…Then why the fuck am I so depressed!? It pisses me off! It pisses me off that for a second I can see […]

You know what’s scary sometimes? To find out something that you thought wasn’t true, but might also be. You’re in denial of it, because you aim to be one thing or achieve that thing.

…Disgusting feelings. I wanna drink a lot of alcohol tonight and say “Fuck life.”

…

I just want to be free. I want to be able to freely express who I feel like I should be from the inside and the outside. For a moment I thought everything was okay. Some thoughts I wasn’t able to take out and that naturally haunted me in and out of my life, finally disappeared for a month. And now it seems like I’m heading back to phase one again. Whereas I pondered about why I was having thoughts like this as my depression kept on deepening, and analyzing it, and analyzing it…stressing myself out slowly as months went by, etc…

Well guess what? Not […]

I have already made three posts. Two were poems, and one was a little rant about how life mainly sucks.

So…here I go:

Long story short (to not cause too much confusion, causing me to share my issues to an extent)

My name is Abiron. I am a 14 year old……”girl.” I suffer from GID (Gender Identity Disorder, I am a Female-to-Male transgender, I believe so.) combined with on-and-off insecurities about myself. — This is the most I suffer from. You see, there are two main reasons why I refused to share this on my very first post:

1) Judgemental/Transphobic people.

2) Being called the wrong pronouns.

But you know what? […]

Why …why…….Why is it so hard..to be positive…no matter how much I try…….The end for me. I’m trying so hard…to reach for the light…end up falling back down. Please…..help me…..I’m hopeless….I’m giving up…..

Tell me,

What do you want from me?

Do I treasure an item from you?

Have I disturbed you myself?

Have I disgusted you with my disgusting attitude?

Does simply praying everyday not enough for you?

If so, what do you want from me?

What is it that I can do to get you to guide me through?

Not to just guide me through, but to let me break free?

To let me break free from thinking too much?

Thinking of the negative, which I believe is being caused by the shadow?

The shadow that has strengthened itself to turn invisible and to cause me harm?

That is here to cause me despair and finally refuses to […]

I’m t e x t i ng o n m y p h o n e r i g h t n o w, a n d m y p a r e n t s b a s i c a l ly f o u n d m y p e r s o b a l s t u f f o n m y c o m p u t e r f r i m a h a c k. I n c l u d i n g t h i s s i t e…s o meone k […]

Judge me all you want,

I don’t care,

I have internal problems,

Want me to share?

Though it’s too personal,

Are you willing to take on anything?

It’s not something that happens seasonal,

But it’s a little “something?”

Perhaps not even little,

Who am I kidding?

This “something” is so brittle,

It’s stinging the very whole of my heart,

Those leftover lights shattering,

Waiting for my life to depart,

Lights begin to break scattering,

No way to restart,

Would you even get it?

Even if I told you half of my suffering?

I don’t think there’s a point now,

All of my lights are darkening,

Lights of the way out,

where peace and happiness tries to enlighten you,

can’t you see I can’t find a way out?

I […]