My best friend has already decided she wants to die. she already has a plan, and she plans to do it very soon. probably over thanksgiving break (but i really really really hope not!!) i have told her so many times, and in so many ways that i want her to stay, and that she can get better, and things WILL get better if she lets them. but she has decided that she doesnt want to get better, she doesnt want things to get better, she just wants her easy way out of it. which i do understand.. i suffer with these problems myself, i […]
I am straight. Completely straight. But i will not deny that making out with another girl while under the influence does not bother me at all. My best friend and i do that every now and then and its never been a big deal, its always just been something funny that we sorta joke about. But as she has been deciding to take her life more seriously the last few days.. i realize more and more every second how i feel about her. and i love her. i truely love her. but its not in a “I want to marry you” way… but its alot […]
Whats the differnce between wanting and needing?
You need food, water and air.
You want nice things, espensive toys, amazing cars.
What do I want?
I want you. I want your life to stay.
Your soul, Your heart, Your body here with me.
Untill the day we are both meant to go.
Not for either of us to die before we have really lived.
What do i need?
I need you. I need your life to stay.
Your soul, your heart your body here with me.
Untill the day we are both meant to go.
Not for either of us to die before we have really lived.
What I want, and what I need, are the same thing.
It’s […]
I want to tell you.. I Love You. And I mean it. In anyway you can interpret love.. thats how i feel about you. I love you. everything you do, i love it. i love you. and ill miss you. alot. but i just want you to know that i love you.
No matter what you have done i have still loved you through it.
no matter what you will do, i will still love you.
No matter what i say, or what i post on here.. just know that still love you.
and i always will..
i love you.
i love you the way you deserve to be loved. unconditionally.
the title speaks for itself. why would i make any more promises when you have broken EVERY single promise you made me. if this is truely what you want. then fine. just go. leave. but your angel wont do shit for me compared to you actually being here.
promises are bullshit things so people can munipulate others into doing what you want them to, or not to do.
Just another day.. typical.. nothing unsual.. just thinking to myself about travis.. ( i dont care. ill put his real name up) I think maybe there still is hope for us..? not for sure.. but i have a feeling that maybe things arent totally over.. we had too deep of a conection.. we understood each other in everything we said and did. morgan (his new girlfriend) cant possible know about his nervous habits. how he cracks his knuckles in a certain way when he is thinking about something, or he is upset. how he bites at his cuticals when hes uncomfortable. how he obsesses with […]
Okay So when I get home from school I am going to drive up to my ex boyfriends moms office to talk to her. I just wanna say hi and see how she’s doing and just talk about stuff in general… Is this a really bad or really dumb idea?
Well it’s that time again… But there is way too much going on in my head .. I am physically and mental and emotionally done. Now I’m throwing up ..  More and more Just keeps happening and my body aches of soreness andmy skin feels tense  and raw
I lost everything years ago.. and by everything i mean everything. but i managed to get it all back. slowly though, things started falling apart again. now that the person who means most to me is leaving me.. i dont know if i can do this anymore. im really just tired of loving, being loved and then being stabbed in the back..
Mom, i love you more than anything in the world, and i will forever be your angel looking down on you watching over you with grandma an pop-pop. ill be waiting for you in heaven, ready to hug you again as soon as you […]
My best friend wants to die, she plans to kill herself really soon.. but i dont know how soon. she was suppose to die last night without even telling me. she promised me she would get better, she said she would do it for me. but she lied. I dont want her to die, i dont want to loose her. i know that she can get better.. but she doesnt think she can.. but i KNOW she can..
am i being selfish that i want her to live? that i want her to survive and grow through this and be the person i KNOW she is..? […]
Sorry to everyone.. i need to let this all out.. and writting one long thing just wont work.. just ignore these, or read them if your looking for a laugh at someone elses shit..
So fuck it all and good night.. you need me? call me.. only if its an emergency.. other wise.. dont bother..
its like whatever i do.. it doesnt fucking matter. so why the fuck do i even bother????????? WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN FUCKING BOTHER?????????????????
if my mom wasnt home i would go downstairs and drink every bit of alcohol we have. i would take every ibuprofian in our house. i would take all of my melitonin. whatever i had to do to just sleep. not die. just sleep. forever.
maybe i should have killed myself when i had the chance, when i was ready to die, when i had nothing to loose.. that probably would have been the right thing to do.. but of course.. i make yet ANOTHER wrong fucking goddamn decision. fuck it. fuck this. fuck everyone. fuck me. FUCK LIFE. could honestly punch a hole in my fucking goddamn fucking wall for fucking chirsts sake.
Why do i always try to help other people? why? EVERY time i try to help someone go through a really difficult time.. all that i get is shit.. why do i bother? Why do i bother when i know that no matter what… whatever i do clearly isnt going to do anything or mean anything.. this happens all the time.. this isnt the first, or the 5th or the 12th.. and it sure as hell wont be the last.. why do i care so much? why do i have to love someone so much and put so much into them, just to get spit […]
You may have well just spit in my face. I will do whatever i can to help, and so far i have.. what do i get? nothing.. i try so hard, invest every part of myself and my life to help.. and nothing. may as well have just slapped me across the face.. really hurt.. really betrayed
Got my iPhone 4s and my licsence.. yet today has been horrible. not horrible really… just a bad mood guess.. depressed, anxious, pissed, irratated… PMSing? sorry to gross anyone out.. but its the truth! UGHHHHHHH. just that kind of fucking fuckedy fuck fuck mood.
I’ve gotten to be very good at hiding what’s inside. Whenever somethings wrong or bothering me, I can usually hide it really well. I have several different masks though..
Home/Family Mask- When I’m home and just around my parents i usually just chill in my room and act tired (which i usually am when im upset). I curl up in my sweat pants and wrap up in blankets so they can’t see if I have hurt myself in anyway. But I havnt done that in a while. This mask is usually just hiding out and being tired.
Dance Mask- When i’m at dance, i just try to act goofy […]
Goodbye.
I’m sorry if my absence hurts anyone, but my pain was too severe. I hated myself, and everything I did. I looked at myself and saw a fat, ugly, dirty piece of shit who fucked everything up. I just saw no more purpose in my life, and I stopped seeing a future for myself, and other people stopped having faith in me. Everyone I knew truely did not like me. I was depressed, not stupid. I could tell that people didn’t like me, and I don’t blame them, I didn’t like myself either. They said I was a *****, say I was stupid, say I was pathetic.. It’s all true. Everyone always belittled […]
I’ve had enough suffering with depression for a while. Now my best friend is going through alot of problems, and i mean ALOT. i need to stay with her and help her through it all, but it kills me. I’m always flashing back to when i was were she is now.. alone, anorexic, crying, cutting, all of it. Now i have to sit here and watch her deal with all of this, and i have to try and help her get better. Shes really stubborn as it is, but shes in denial, she doesnt see whats really going on, and she doesnt see where everyone […]