I’ve gotten to be very good at hiding what’s inside. Whenever somethings wrong or bothering me, I can usually hide it really well. I have several different masks though..
Home/Family Mask- When I’m home and just around my parents i usually just chill in my room and act tired (which i usually am when im upset). I curl up in my sweat pants and wrap up in blankets so they can’t see if I have hurt myself in anyway. But I havnt done that in a while. This mask is usually just hiding out and being tired.
Dance Mask- When i’m at dance, i just try to act goofy or ask my friends alot of questions about their day. I take attention and focus off of myself and put it on others.
School Mask- I talk to people i know and people im friends with. I never talk about anything personal, not even to my best friend. As soon as i open up, i dont close up again.. I don’t hide, but i surely do not stand out. I try to blend in, but for what ever reason I can’t seem to do that.Staying out of the spotlight, and out of the creepy shadows.
Friends Mask– When it’s just my best friend and i, i am able to open up, but often times i just keep quiet and help her with her problems. Fixing their lives is easier than fixing my own
Stranger Mask- Why do i care? I dont. they can all go fuck themselves.. and i make damn sure that they know that.
Self Hiding Mask- I hide my thoughts from myself. I sleep to avoid my own thoughts.. but somehow my thoughts creep into my dreams.. which keep getting worse. My Self Kiding Mask is the hardest to wear of them all
Wish i could take these masks off, but doing that wouldnt lead to anything good.. only more depression, more problems, and maybe more cutting again.. Ignorance is bliss, so others not knowing about whats going on is probably best.. If I act as though I am okay, than maybe everyone else will believe me.. If they believe me, then maybe i will believe me..
2 comments
All I can say is I can’t understand your pain like you do, but I feel, in someway, I can relate. As an example I seem to act sooo many different ways when I’m near different crowds.
I act kind, intelligent and not social at all at school.
(By the way I dance also :O Although it’s strange, ’cause I’m actually a guy, I dance things along the lines of Ballet, Modern, Character etc) at dance I just act plain shy, I can never spark a conversation.
By some of my friends I just seem like energetic and like I can take on the whole world (do you ever feel that way).
But near others I act, well not talkative…
I feel similar, but different at the same time. But I just wanted you to know, that you’re not alone at all in these things. We’re all here for you 🙂
It’s amazing to hear about a guy who dances, and dances ballet! you never hear that anymore. But yeah, the feelings of being a dozen different people all in one body.. its wierd and confussing. Hard to know which me is which!
Feel free to talk to me anytime! always here to listen!