I want to disappear. I don’t think I want to die as such, I just don’t want to exist, either.
That’s it really, I just don’t want to exist anymore. If I could just flick a switch and not be here anymore, I would. I would do it straight away, no questions asked. I suppose that switch is basically a permanent one, a switch of life or death.
That’s the thing though, I’m unsure whether it’s suicide I want. I want to not be here but I don’t want to be dead.
So am I suicidal? Is it suicidal to just want to disappear?
A release. I suppose that’s what I want. A release from my life as it is right now.
technically i ruined my life, i been depressed for 2 years now and i have chronic depression, it was hard in the first period, i tortured myself and i don’t know why i drowned so deep til this girl came and it helped me and became my girlfriend but then she broke up with me because i am so depressed, and me beign a sensitive guy with no self esteeme i went numb, she told me that i chose to do what i did to myself suffer more and more , i turned my life into a nightmare , a living hell and there is nothing called depression, is she right? did all the pain i been through was delusion from my mind? owh so many questions with no answers
so i started cutting and the cuts on my arms are so deep that who ever sees me say think that i am on drugs or a criminal , no one seems to understand me not even my family no one cares.
i been going to 3 therapist and all they say you have everything why are u depressed, well i don’t just because i am living comfortably dosen’t mean i am feeling good.
why only me had to get through this? why? why i am alone?
Broken. That’s probably the best way to describe how I feel.i don’t any friends anymore , they all stepped away after they saw my cuts and my thoughts of suicide.
see what i do is I self-destruct. I push people away. Not on purpose, but there must be a reason I am yet to trust anyone in my life enough to know who and how I really am at times. I just subconsciously ruin things for myself, and I don’t know why. The moment things start to go right, I do something and everything seems to fall apart again.
At the moment, it’s like I’m trapped inside myself. I’m basically a thousand and one contradictions: Happy but also sad. Loud but also quiet. Independent, but also lonely. Fearless, but also afraid. Intelligent, but not clever. I love aspects of life, but I want to disappear.
I want to disappear. It’s not a case of wanting to die. It’s not that I wish I’d never been born. I literally just want to fade away and disappear. I can’t even explain it properly. However I phrase it, it just sounds suicidal. And I don’t think I want to die, I want to cease to be. I don’t believe in a God, in a Heaven, but I do feel there’s an afterlife of some kind. I don’t want an afterlife. I don’t want a life anymore, and life is so closely connected with death. But again, am I suicidal? Are these the thoughts of someone who actually does want to die? I don’t know. I just don’t know. That’s what scares me, really.
We’re all going to die anyway, so who cares? I know that there are a lot of things in life that matter, but I’m yet to find any true meaning to my life.
All I want is to go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t want to dream. I want to close my eyes at night for good, and for them to stay shut. I don’t want to go to a heaven or any kind of afterlife. I want to be deeply asleep for all eternity, and I don’t want to put myself to sleep, because that would destroy things entirely.
plz help me