Whatever it is. ….. I can’t …..
I feel like… I’m not depressed enough. Does that make any sense? Like, I’m not suicidal enough to be here. I don’t fit in.
I’m not numb. I feel. I feel a lot. I can’t describe it though. Sad, yes but not that sad. Angry, a little. I guess, well… I feel like a radio stuck between 2 stations. 2 different songs alternating, making no sense and a shit load of static.
The fuck is emotional static?
I deleted the song fucking because….
Commence meltdown in 3…2…1
FUCK! I won’t kill myself… I fucking know it. So even mentioning it is a waste of perfectly good oxygen. I won’t fucking alter my life. I won’t ever accept reality. Just gonna sit here and wallow in self pity.
This is episode one. He also does lectures, just search them.
I’m not sure if this is an explanation of why I should never reach senior status, or a depiction of why I want to.
Perspective:
The staircase may ascend,
Or descend, it’s determined,
By where you begin.
This road of life may seem,
Long and narrow for some,
Or short and broad to others,
It depends on where you stand.
A path of stepping stones,
Has been laid to create an average, but you may have short legs, or a longer gate then those,
It was designed for.
The Gritty Truth Of Reality:
An Essay by A.O.
Why am I here? Why do I exist? Questions asked by most people. The answers range from a spiritual, God put you here..), to the scientific explanation of evolution of organisms. The obvious truth. The only sure answer. You are here because your parents fucked. Whether intentional or not, planned or not, your fathers sperm fertilized your mothers egg. Now you exist.
But, where did we come from? Like people in general? Where does it begin? This is a follow up, to the previous question. Now every religion and scientists have a lengthy answer that leaves so many […]
Cold seems crippling lame meander through corridors aroma’s thick
with age mark off the day reflections of my life are fading
Pull me out of body don’t want it don’t want in,
Feeble frail and rotting descending I’m lost in,
A structure that’s collapsing don’t want it cast into,
Maker take the body don’t want it wants me
Past has found its place salvation is no more will god accept my
peace bleached will pardon me reflections of my life are fading
Pull me out of body don’t want it don’t want in,
Feeble frail and rotting descending I’m lost in,
A structure that’s collapsing don’t want […]
Some new poetry. Can’t think of a title. Feel free to make a suggestion.
Cut out the pain,
Cutting up the vein,
Literally metaphorical,
It’s all the same.
No point to life,
No will to die,
Pick out your poison,
Load the gun,
Sharpen your knife.
Obsessively depressive,
Oppressive consumption,
Elusive delusions,
Illustrate confusion.
Step out of insanity,
Stepping through reality,
Understandably indecipherable,
Becoming of a calamity.
My marriage is ugly.
Divorce is ugly.
Suicide is ugly.
It’s quite a predicament. In my marriage, I am already dead. The pleasure of life is consumed. I really can’t paint a picture of how ridiculously abusive it is.
Suicide would just be an end to the torment. It’s a difficult thing to do. I don’t want “help” or “attention” so I’d have to give it 110%. Holding me back, so many passions. Prospects. Hopes and dreams . It makes me think, if I could let go of it all, I’d be OK in my marriage.
Divorce. Well. That’s just a lot of work. I mean, any guy can […]
Is the a group like SP but for Homicide? Like a homicide project? If so we should have a mixer. Kill 1 bird with 2 stones. Or something like that. In other words, someone please blow my fucking brains out, please….
I’ve always had an addictive personality. I’ve fought addiction to various drugs, alcohol, things that most people wouldn’t consider addictive like green tea, or Gatorade. Basically I can create a habit anywhere, with anything.
My most recent addiction, false hopes. Now I don’t mean being overly optimistic. I mean, hanging on to an idea that has less than 0.01% chance of happening. It’s what has kept me going lately. The downside, every time reality rears its ugly head, it’s soul crushing.
Maybe I’m delusional?
The Trance Is The Motion”
speed toward hell
shed no tears
you don’t know me
take my life
steal my tongue
to defeat your taste
could never criticize
no better then me
better then you
it’s easier to lie
than to tell the truth
you’ve become the waste that i despise
this is the motion of the new revolution
the trance is the motion
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/tmp_31933-rendition-requiem1220324555.mp3
This piece was composed by Cordless.
I just did some production editing.
No offense meant Cordless. I absolutely loved it. That’s why I wanted to work with it. If it upsets you at all, just say so I’ll take it down and bury it in the depths of hell forever.
2 common phrases echoing in my head today.
“Get busy living or get busy dying”
“Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can do today”
Here’s a pretty thorough list of why I suck, and you should hate me. In no particular order….
I obsessively worship artist. Music, pictures, poetry, books, movies, sculpture. Art period. I love it. I want to be an artist. But I suck. I prey on you here, I know you’ll lie to me. I want to believe that lie. But I’m terrible. I’ve spent THOUSANDS!, ON music equipment. To compensate. So I look cool as I finger fuck my way through Teen Spirit. My poetry? Makes me sound like a spoiled ***** angry he got the charcoal Mercedes instead of quartz grey for his birthday. My […]
Just…all of it. This song. This video. Hope you guys dig it as much as I do.
Great song from an awesome band.
Also a clue. To/for what? Who knows. Wayne Static was a pretty awesome fellow….
Today anyways. Nope today I get a break from feeling sorry for myself, from wanting to kill myself.
Today, I’m just crippled with blinding rage. Pure disgust with everyone and no tolerance or empathy.
Stupid fucking blizzard. Stupid people, living stupid lives, saying stupid shit.
I honestly don’t know which is worse…
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