I was abused by my parents, mentally and physically. I have never considered myself pretty, and the only shred of pride I retained in myself, my intelligence, was surpassed by more and more as I got older. I lost myself, the colors, that I had used to define myself for so long. After a while [and this is the first time I am admitting this] a voice appeared in my head. A single voice that whispered in a velvet voice “You are not trapped. You know there is a way” until my eyes tore again and again to the knives in the drawers, the sleeping […]
So, my mother keeps a bottle of her Ambien hidden in her dresser, and I’m usually home alone for about 4-5 hours on weekdays, 10 hours on Friday nights. I keep planning, saying my goodbyes over and over again, but every time it comes to that time, I freeze up. Not because of myself, but because I’m afraid how it will effect the people I care about. It’s a hard thing to think about, balancing a pill between your lips and debating what impact you’ve made on the people around you, no matter how small. Then of course, there’s the fear I’ll find myself  awake, and […]
So, I’ve never kidded myself about my life, or in this case, death. I’m not concerned with proving to myself I matter to someone, and I’m not just being a drama Queen. I’m not doing this because of a high school romance or because my Daddy won’t get me a new Ferrari What I feel isn’t really even sadness or anger. In fact, I rarely even talk to anyone about my problems, and most people think I’m an optimist.
I just feel an unbearable blankness bearing down on me all the time. Knowing that I am nothing. My grades have dropped, and I can feel people’s expectations of me dropping, […]