This is just my perspective which is born out of paranoia and a lack of self esteem and self worth so things might be different to other people, it’s not absolute truth for everybody but it’s the absolute truth in the world that I live in. I’m not even suicidal any more I’m just tired of this living thing. Ya dig?
I don’t believe that anybody in the world truly cares about other people, it’s just all so fake and selfish. People will keep other people around as friends or partners to service their own needs without ever really establishing some form of connection or trust in that person.
When I die people will say redundant stuff like “oh who will I talk to now?” “I will never get to see him again” “I have one less person in my life” “I have to go to a funeral” and it is all so selfish. Nobody will really care and nobody will say “The world is poorer for not having him because he contributed well” or something like that because people are selfish and they only care about you on a level of what you can do for them. How many people in your life ask YOU how YOUR day was? How many people like to talk about YOUR passions? How many people talk to YOU by listening to YOU? Not many. The people that do that are the ones who truly care about you, I believe.
I myself do care about people but not the entire world’s population I just care about those who I have gotten to see the real side who were either loyal to me and proved their worth or I have an incredible spiritual connection with. These people will know I care however because I show it through actions. I think that I mostly care for and support these people because I know what it’s like to be nobody.
Actions speak louder than words, right? A lot of people will tell you that they love you and that they care for you but how many people will show you that they care for you by doing deeds unprompted without a hidden agenda of reciprocation? Not many people will do something out of the kindness of their heart for a friend without saying “you owe me one” hey? It’s easy to work out who is real though.
I daydream a lot about what the consequences of my impending death will have on people and I see a lot of the fake “oh I miss him” or “I wish that I told him…” and if my consciousness is aware in another dimension I’ll be angry to see that because nobody says that stuff now so why wait until I’m dead to say that stuff? No, that doesn’t sit right with me. What I really envision is my mother meeting people and she is asked about how I am doing and she replies “he passed away, from suicide” and from there a legacy of myself is born as the guy who took his own life and checked out raising questions and mystique around who I was and what was going on under the surface of what people thought they knew. It’s kind of strange but I am content and at peace with leaving that as my legacy.
I do not see the point in riding out 50 odd years to naturally die when the future of my own world is so bleak. When my parents die I will be alone until the day I drop dead as I have no siblings and no potential to find a soul mate and have children of my own so I will be destined to live another 20 or 30 years by myself until I myself am dead so what is the point in that kind of future? That is no way to live. It’s a pretty demoralising feeling at time that you have judgement passed over you based on the biological makeup of what you are which you had no control over at all, does it make me a bad person because I look the way I do and not another way or because I am deficient in an area here or there physically? It doesn’t particularly matter anymore as I am too old to care but it’s stuff that I used to think about and see it in young people. A friend of mine once told me that his sister told him that “black hair and blue eyes is such a unique and sexy combination it’s a shame it’s wasted on your friend (me)”
Paranoia is a funny one because it’s good and bad at the same time. I don’t open myself up to anybody anymore because it’s a sure way to hurt you because people either leave your life voluntarily or they leave your life involuntarily so at some point that person will leave a hole in your heart. However the downside to overprotection is that that hole will always exist in your heart if you shut the world off, so it’s a double edged sword really. What does that have to do with paranoia? Well, you see whenever I meet somebody new I have to put it through my mind of why they want to get to know me, what is their ulterior motive for seeking me out and befriending me and learning the secrets of my soul? In almost all cases I am certain without doubt that people only enter my life so that they can find dirt on me and have a great laugh with my enemies at my expense and if they fail to find some at least they can laugh hysterically over the fact that I trusted them when they were double crossing me. Any time I speak to a woman it always that feeling of “why is she here? She’s going to stitch me up and make fun of me” and I might be paranoid but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong! It’s happened before and it could happen again but I don’t allow it to so I’m protected but it’s kinda disheartening at the same time that in 1 out of 100 people I meet I’m able to set aside the paranoia and comfortably let somebody get to know me that is until they realise that I wasn’t worth getting to know.
I am also fully aware that my negative mindset filters out any positive experiences or moments in my life which causes a heightened sense of acknowledgement to negative ones which just perpetuates the reinforcement of negative and upsetting thoughts within the mind. Our mind is so powerful that we often take it for granted that we have the power to literally snap out of these ruts and choose happiness and positivity but I’ve come to the realisation that I reject this way and I’ve become comfortable within the cesspool of negativity. All I ever wanted in life was to share it with somebody and have somebody care about me and ask me how my day was going which then slowly turned in to somebody reaching out to me because they noticed that something wasn’t right but now my spiritual brick wall is so well defined and structured that it is impossible to even notice something behind it exists and my proverbial “keep out” sign works well too, so now I just hope people leave me alone because I’m not here to be anybody’s running joke that they can use to make themselves better at my expense.
“In the Kamigata area, they have a sort of tiered lunchbox they use for a single day when flower viewing. Upon returning, they throw them away, trampling them underfoot. The end is important in all things.” – Tsunetomo Yamamoto