One last try before I let it go I guess. I’m going to take a trip in August. Colorado to the Canadian border. I have a nice pack and backcountry skills. I’ll hitch hike north and try to reconnect with life. I don’t know if I have any real friends left and my family is nonexistent. I want this world to show me that it is still alive. I can’t go on if my regular life is all there is. Hopefully I come back here someday.
I feel exactly like I did yesterday. I’m going to keep trying, but I know the end is coming. Its like a timer that is steadily ticking down. Today I will go out into the world and try to make friends or find a date for the weekend. Nothing will come from it and I will end up feeling bored and alone. At least I try even if it is for nothing. I just want this all to be over. The need for love is exhausting. No friends, no family, and I’m almost out of love. It’ll be over soon enough.
I’m bored with everything. I’ve snowboarded from helicopters, climbed many mountains, traveled and been to many places, and work as a molecular biologist. I should not feel the way I do. This should make me a fun and loving person, but instead I always feel empty and alone. I get a lot of attention from women, but nothing ever comes from it because I hate myself and the sadness pours from me. I can’t live like this. Happiness teases me and runs away. Nobody, not even joy wants to have anything to do with me.
I started taking drugs again to spice things up. 30 hits […]