I’ve been really trying to not jump into the mindset of wanting to die again but it just keeps eating me alive. I don’t know how many times I play in my head that I don’t wanna be here anymore. I think about how my life would be if something bad happened to me. I wonder who would be there to actually care. I also wonder why I don’t seem to have the courage to do it already. All I know is I’m being pushed to the edge again and I don’t want the help this time. I just want to sit here and play […]
Everyday I find myself hating my own life over and over again. He.. They just don’t get it. He.. They never will. I try to live my life as much as I can and I seem to not want it more and more as I go on. I have wanted to die for awhile now. It has been so hard to go on and I can’t seem to do it anymore. Every time I get close to doing so, there seems to be hope and I lose it. I lose it instantly and I am not happy. I haven’t been truly happy in a long time. I […]
Wow. I haven’t been writing for 3 months and now I’m back again. It’s funny cause I thought I was doing so well. Turns out, I’ve been lying to myself. Yes, people have it worse than me but does that mean my problems don’t matter? I’m about to start college soon after graduating early one whole year. The expectation of everyone is really weighing down on me. The stress of handling everything, every action that I take from now on is being carefully watched and judged. I’m trying to handle so many things in my life and I think I’m getting overwhelmed again. I know […]
It’s funny the things that push you to the edge. I write on here just in case I have the strength to leave for good and someone will find this to get answers on why I would have done what I did. I haven’t felt the need to leave in a long time. I thought I was doing so good. Things were looking up. Just slightly. At least enough for me to only contemplate it once in awhile. Have you guys ever read Thirteen Reasons Why? I read it way too much. I get lost into it. I get lost on the idea of leaving […]
I haven’t cut myself in a long time. And tonight. 5 mins ago. I did. And I realize how much I missed it. Idk if I’m fucked up for that. But idk. I don’t care I guess. Every day I picture myself dying. Dead laying there. I don’t have to feel pain anymore. And that’s the ultimate goal. I wanna be happy. But I’m not happy being here.
I don’t believe anything you say to me anymore. You lie so much. And I feel like I’m nothing to you. Day by day you push me away more and more and I wanna just disappear. You act like you’re better without me. Maybe you are. Maybe I iust need to leave.
I’m so tired. I’m so tired of life itself. I’m so tired of not being good enough for you. I’ve tried so hard to be everything you wanted. It’s not enough. It will never be. And it’s torture. Everyday. To feel like you’ll never love me for who I am.
I forgot what it feels like to write. I decided to start writing almost everyday again starting now. I just wanna get all my feelings out. I havent been here in awhile. 2 months but it seems like something always brings me back. I like all of you. You know what i go through. No one else understands. Yes i should be thankful that i have people in my life when some don’t have any but even if they are here. Are they really here? My parents are oblivious and believes that mental illnesses are not real. My dad once told me that if i […]
I have no one in my life and im all alone.
Everyday i contemplate why i dont just get the hell outta here. yes i’d be happy off dead. but i wanna see the look on every single one of these people who claim that they “love” me or that they “care” about me. I wanna see the pain that comes over them knowing that every single thing they ever did to me is why i killed myself. I wanna leave so that you can feel the pain you bring to me every second of everyday in this god forsaken world.
You make me wanna go to sleep and never wake up.
Idk what he wants from me. He knows how to change my feelings every second. And it’s just pain to always be strong. Always show him I’m better now. It’s like he knows what makes me melt and what hurts me. And then at night. I get pushed to my limit and no one knows. No one ever will know.
Just gonna disappear for awhile. No reason whatsoever to keep hanging on to everything I worked for.
I thought for once, I’d be able to be okay. It’s hard to think when all these thoughts are in your head. You’re like a ticking time bomb. The wrong person cuts a wire, and you explode. And you’re nothing. Because they made you feel worthless. Like everything you ever did for them was nothing.
Finally I can have this back. Finally got *him* to leave this alone. God where the hell do I start? I was in the bathroom one day and I just filled up the tub. No bubbles. No nothing. It’s not like I was trying to have a bubble bath. And I got in and went underwater. As long as I could. Knowing that I’ll struggle and finally come up for air once I can’t take anymore. But I wanted to suffer. Feel me black out. I sat there for 2 hours of just complete silence. I’ve had a relapse and it’s horrible.
As I sit here crying, in pain. My chest hurts and I feel like absolute shit. You lay there sleeping with not a care in the world for everything taking a toll on me. You say I push you. It’s always me. Always me pushing you. And maybe I do. Maybe I’m the reason for everything horrible that you blame me for. But as I sit here, I think about how much I want to tell you that you’re pushing me. I’m so near to giving up. I never felt so alone. I can’t go to you because you’ll judge me. You’ll tell me I’m […]
He’s giving up on me. I don’t know what to do. I thought he would never. Why is he doing this …
well, this sucks. I can’t go to anyone. And I’ve been clean for so many months now and I really don’t want to go back. Someone saw me writing on here and I don’t know. Just don’t feel safe again. I feel like I’m gonna do something to myself if I’m ever alone
People don’t care until you’re dead. I think we all know that now. I wish it wasn’t true. i wish there was some sort of way to show people how much they’re hurting me. I wanna hurt them back by leaving. By doing this act of killing myself. To show them how much shit they made me go through. I hope they cry. It must be very morbid for me to say all this but that’s how I feel. How can I help it?
It’s almost been a year since I’ve been using this site. I’ve gotten worse over the year. I’ve tried twice so far. I dont want help that’s the worst thing i guess.
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