As I lay here //; you.

As I sit here crying, in pain. My chest hurts and I feel like absolute shit. You lay there sleeping with not a care in the world for everything taking a toll on me. You say I push you. It’s always me. Always me pushing you. And maybe I do. Maybe I’m the reason for everything horrible that you blame me for. But as I sit here, I think about how much I want to tell you that you’re pushing me. I’m so near to giving up. I never felt so alone. I can’t go to you because you’ll judge me. You’ll tell me I’m overreacting. To get over it. That I’m so stupid and immature and how crazy I am in your eyes.  But as I lay here, I want to die. I want to die in my sleep so I don’t have to see the next day full of pain and misunderstanding. The look you give me full of hatred and as you shake your head towards me, I think of how much I love. How much I want you to love as you did before. You say you do. You say that you are here for me. For me to talk to you even if it’s about you. But I can’t. You never take the time to understand. You yell. We fight and nothing ever gets cleared up. As you lay there, I lay here wondering how on earth am I supposed to leave everyone. I want to go. I want to die in order to end this life of everyone looking at me like I’m a psycho. Especially to you. I have tried to picture me committing suicide over and over and over again. I just wanted to be happy with you. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I want you to see what you’re doing to me.