I forgot what it feels like to write. I decided to start writing almost everyday again starting now. I just wanna get all my feelings out. I havent been here in awhile. 2 months but it seems like something always brings me back. I like all of you. You know what i go through. No one else understands. Yes i should be thankful that i have people in my life when some don’t have any but even if they are here. Are they really here? My parents are oblivious and believes that mental illnesses are not real. My dad once told me that if i were ever to commit suicide, that i should not fail; that i better succeed in taking my own life. He doesnt wanna see my face after i do something like that. My mom just goes with whatever my dad says. She thinks everything i do is wrong. Maybe i do. Maybe everything is really my fault. My boyfriend is only with me for the convenience of knowing he has someone. That’s what he makes me feel. He tells me he loves me but actions mean more than words and all he does is crave other’s attention. I tried talking to him about it but he shuts me down. He tells me im petty and immature. Maybe he’s right. Maybe it’s all my fault that i do this to myself. I feel worthless and helpless around him and everyone. I give my best to give them as much love as i have in me but it seems like they don’t want it. Everything seems to be all my fault nowadays. What do i do? I sit here. I lay here. i think about how much better everyone would be without me. I keep having dreams about me dead. Everyone is so happy and everyone goes on with their lives. I’ve seen people who have died. They care for about a week maybe two. then they forget about you. I’ve said this before but i wish i could see what would happen if i killed myself. Would they cry? Would they blame themselves? I always figured they wouldn’t. They would blame me for being weak. They would blame me for not getting help. Anyways, i’ve been suicidal for about more than a year now. almost two years this upcoming summer. it’s how long ive been writing in this site. I’m beginning to feel it. I really feel it this time. I’m ready to give up soon. this is not like those other times… I know because i don’t fight anymore.
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dear breakeven, its not your fault, none of us CHOSE to be like this. i did not get out of bed and state ” today i will be depressed “. if i may, i would like to answer your questions from a parental point of view. would they cry? yes, non-stop. days, months and years afterwards. i lost a little one years ago and cry like it just happened. 2- would they blame themselves?- yes. themselves, each other, and evryone around them. same example, if i could have done one more thing, she would be here. you are not weak. it takes great strength and courage to get where you are. seeking help for this thing is not easy. it is hard admitting their is something wrong with ME, and i want to fix it. sometimes, parent seem oblivious to their kids problems and sometimes are. parental obligations and societal pressures can overwhelm the most caring parents. i made so many mistakes, boo boo’s, fuck up’s and ooops its not funny. its hard as a parent to admit to our children that we are not perfect. we get used to the adoring looks of love and simple trust that our kids give us. we enioy ,being perfect, invincable, a superhero. i worked long and hard to prevent my kids from finding out what a pathetic loser i am. please keep trying, with your parents, teachers counselors, whoever. the pain of losing a child does not go away.ever. you are important, you matter, and you are loved, please keep trying
BreakEven,
My apologies if I am out of line by saying this, but I feel your father’s statement is an absolutely reprehensible thing for a parent to say to their child.
With that said, TC13 is right – this is not your fault and nobody asks to feel this way. I hope you will continue to express yourself here if it makes you feel better (writing down our feelings often helps).
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)