Can’t understand why I can’t board the flight.
I did this a little over a year ago. Now it is time for round two! It’s completely anonymous (both ends). However, you will need a web browser/amazon kindle. (memorandum for dear friend whom recently took her life)
—
I will buy you this book, I don’t have a discount, there is nothing in it for me other than the interesting perspective I think it might offer you.
Its called “This is How” by Augusten Burroughs. The description is:
If you’re fat and fail every diet, if you’re thin but can’t get thin enough, if you lose your job, if your child dies, if you are diagnosed with cancer, […]
Anyone else elated there is no afterlife?
I know life has no point.
In talks, it seemed to me,
You always had a counterpoint.
Feelings are difficult to pinpoint.
Impossible when thoughts,
Very much Conjoint.
What you describe– as if you’re at gunpoint.
I can’t help, but hope,
It’s not your endpoint.
Seems like everything is at a disjoint.
Family, life, thoughts,
Maybe it’s time for a checkpoint.
I hope it’s just a midpoint.
What if tomorrow, you wake up,
Realize this is the turning-point?
Either way, you didn’t disappoint.
I hope this brings a different viewpoint.
Damn, where did I put my ballpoint?
—
This written for a good friend that mostly lurked here. But I was a day, […]
(Perhaps you knew here under the email pseudonym “Lara Howel”)
She took her life earlier this week. The crushing pain, agony, and loneliness was too much. She is no longer in pain.
While she didn’t talk much here. She lurked and read most posts over the past 5 years. I know she reached out to many here as she did with me. She lifted my spirits, was there for me in many of my darkest moments. I cared for her a great deal. To my knoweldge, she didn’t say goodbye, at least to me. She asked at one point, and I told her, the worst thing would […]
This random graffito caught my eye while out for a jaunt tonight.
I think it sums up much perfectly. Were all alone, fighting with tears streaming down our face. But I see you.
(background music for those inclined)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FqmJy8HzQI
I haven’t posted or commented in a while. (Trips, Birthday, Best friends wedding, another wedding tomorrow…) But I see you. Serendipitous, one of Salt’s songs just started while on random.
Some days I think depression, loneliness won’t get the best of me. Most, other days, I’m not so sure. Is loneliness […]
Have you ever wanted to ask: “Hey, How are you. Is there anything I can do to improve you?”… (the subtext being, before I go?)
There are so many people here I care about. Yes, some more than others (anon Lara, lookin at you kid!) .
I fail, I’m awkward. I wish I could clone my heart and give each of you a piece.
[edit] Might as well throw in a song for good measure: Maybe the lyrics apply maybe not.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqHKGcujap0
pull the ripchord
the ship has lost its sail
your mama’s got a new man
your daddy always fails
and you’re eating again
at them
’cause nobody loves […]
While generally I don’t adorn purely musical/lyrical posts… There is little point to be human if you don’t find yourself hypocritical.
“If you don’t have a song
To sing you’re okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm
If you don’t have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
‘Cause it’s just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore
No I don’t believe in the wasting of time,
But I don’t believe that I’m wasting mine
If you don’t have a point to make
Don’t sweat it
You’ll make a sharp one being so kind
And I’d sure appreciate it
Everyone […]
Current mood: Drowning.
I am the asphalt. You drive over me. Barley recognizing my existence. Composed of hard rock and soft tar. What do you see? I have many flaws, many pot holes. Is that all you notice? Still, I get you to work everyday. I suit your needs, your whim. I am around at 3am, when you feel a sudden need for chips and salsa. I am there the next day on your drive to work or the club. All you notice is the divot that inconveniences you. Your tire slamming into it. No harm done, an annoyance at best. You curse at me. Still, I will […]
I enjoyed your third person rants
Reminded me of our likeness to plants
I feel the mods didn’t understand
Still it sucks that you were banned
While my time has been short
I felt your posts, comments, purport
I guess, perhaps I’m just feeling lonely
I knew you in name only
You had something to say
I enjoyed your comments, seemingly astray
I crawl into myself.
No-one notices, half surprised
Each wrapped up in oneself
After-all, aren’t we all disguised?
Ever hiding
Ever redirecting
Everything sliding
Barely suspecting
Embodied detachment
Am I a person anymore?
Tears fall in the catchment
—
But what can you do
You have no one
No one able to handle your words
Let alone your feelings
So you crawl inside
Unsure why death seems so appealing
Yet the only thing you are sure of, is how much you want to die
You don’t want to run, to leave everything behind.
Sometimes you have to stop listening to hear.
Today I found myself playing 8 distinct songs at once. Listening to a particular song in the sea of noise is actually quite easy. But when I tried to hear all at once, I couldn’t. As I tried to listen to each song individually, yet together, the more focused I became. And the more I failed. Soon songs, my hearing, became periodic and stuttered. Sure, I could hear a few songs together easily. But when I tried to pickup the fourth and fifth… Either I lost one of them or things became disjunct. I became bound by time […]
Don’t ask me how I am.
I don’t know
How could I?
I just am.
Don’t ask me what to do.
If you don’t know
How could I?
You just are.
Don’t ask me why.
None of us know
How could I?
We just are.
Its May 1st 2015, or 5-1-15 (5115).
And so, a palindromic poem:
Baited Breath
Exhale no inhale
Bag over head
I didn’t understand
Questions thoughts, unaddressed
Fear bubbles, darkness decays
Blackness surrounding
Pain in extremities
Gasping controlled
Everything means nothing
Life, abated
——
Abated life
Nothing means everything
Controlled gasping
Extremities in pain
Surrounding blackness
Decays, darkness, bubbles fear
Unadressed thoughts, questions
Understand, didn’t I?
Head over bag
Inhale no exhale
Breath Baited
To feel embarrassed for feeling. That is the real killer.
I will buy you this book, I don’t have a discount, there is nothing in it for me other than the interesting perspective I think it might offer you.
Its called “This is How” by Augusten Burroughs. The description is:
If you’re fat and fail every diet, if you’re thin but can’t get thin enough, if you lose your job, if your child dies, if you are diagnosed with cancer, if you always end up with exactly the wrong kind of person, if you always end up alone, if you can’t get over the past, if your parents are insane and ruining your life, if you really […]
Here is what I dreamed last night, unedited, unabridged (However, I left out the first hour about go, nodejs and perl over at Joel’s house).
Going down for a tour of a nuclear plant. Gary, Joel, Ryan, Ben and Me.. Its a
long way down. Gary decides to take a shortcut in the vehicle we are in. soon
we are flying through the air. More like Mario cart than anything else. Trying
to land back on the road, or so I think. We pass many on-comers, until soon we
look at each other in the back, realizing we are drifting further and further
from the road. […]
This was going to be a comment… somewhere… But it got promoted to a post.
I think a future where society has dissolved the taboo that one should /not/ have control over their own life, is a great and wondrous one. I would argue control over ones life is a cornerstone of freedom, and without that basic right, we are oppressed.
The natural order is to die from disease, not from old age. Today life expectancy has doubled *worldwide* since the 1900s. So, It seems we are just entering the era of death from old age (if 70 is old). Still it is almost always from illness […]
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