I’ve been on a journey of recovery, so to speak, for a while now. Part of the experience is journaling. Todays entry, as it is scribbled in my small notebook.
Dec 24 2021
Well. Christmas Eve tonight. I went to Eva’s and Brad’s house. I met Lee, Mark and Amber, Em, Jon, Steve, and Pepper, the family dog. We ate brisket, and various side dishes while christmas music played on a stereo. The atmosphere was friendly and happy. I learned that Amber had a run in with a lady at a laundromat. She tried to utilize new found principles of decency to remain calm. I learned that Lee was angered by a co-worker that wouldn’t help him after went out of his way to help him. I learned that Mark, a driver for Brad, lost three sheets of metal siding from a trailer he was towing, and the siding didn’t cause any serious damage after flying through the air on the freeway – it flew around an RV and hit the trailer it was towing. Eva attributed this good fortune to her higher power. I learned that Jon has attended the Full Moon Drum Circle. His shoulder surgery is slowly healing. I learned that Em has a relative (brother in law, I think she said) that enjoyed playing Santa Claus many times, apparenlty finding meaning in the role. I learned that Eva contracted covid in November 2020, and was in the intensive care unit, on a ventilator, for ten days. She had a network of people praying and advocating for her, and she is sure this stream of positive consciousness is responsible for her recovery. Not long after, she had to have lower back surgery. It has been a difficult year for her. She and Brad invited me to into their home, out of kindness, and offered me friendship. I was a part of a group of people tonight, people in recovery, people just being people.
Today, I visited Anthony’s house. I learned that his birthday is May 16, that he was born in Portland, attended drama school in Chicago, and lived on a second floor apartment on Belmont St for ten years. A friend made a drawing of the area for him, dedicating it to “the pope of Belmont St.” He didn’t explain the meaning of the dedication. I learned that he was in a short film called Two Ships. I learned that he’s been making wire sculptures for many years, and learned that he feels … discouraged? Out of place? Unassigned? I learned that he is a special person in my life, that he has inspired me in the 8 months I’ve known him.
Today, Christmas Eve, 2021, was a day of contact and connection. I am, for tonight, sated and content. I love Christmas Eve. Fuck the hubbub and chaos of Christmas. This night, the night before the day itself, holds special meaning to me. I sit with Jewel and Raisin, the love and memory of my blessed son Hooks…
…and I pray for death, as I do every morning of every day.
To whom do I pray? I pray to the walls…to the floor…to my own ears….or to any relevant force that might be pulling strings beyond our three dimensions. I don’t expect an answer. I had my chance, and will have it again…but it can’t hurt to petition the walls…the floor…whatever might be listening.
I’m glad you had people around on christmas. it’s something, no matter how lonely you might feel among them. I found a fix for that a while ago, feeling lonely among others. Just speak from the heart, and wrap everything up in positivity. Talk about what Hooks meant to you with a smile on your face, that kinda stuff. It’d make me feel better. See that I had good in my life. idk you sound like you feel lonely among all these friends, so just sharing.
The way you write conveys such a perfect feeling of disconnection within a connected moment. Everything feels like a ‘3rd person omniscient’ voice even though it’s told in 1st person. It’s as if, despite being in the middle of it, you’re not experiencing it but observing, impartially without judging and without necessarily partaking. This could have been written by an invisible ghost at the gathering. It’s also how I feel at social events. It’s good to be there, I feel connected but as an observer not a participant. “I learned…” all these things without really giving away anything of myself.
I know you said this is just part of a recovery exercise, but it’s a great piece of writing. Thanks for sharing this.
Thanks for reading and commenting, TheOpenRoad and nobody else.