Ever since I was 14, i’ve been depressed and wanted to kill my self. In year 12, I started getting better, I got closer to my friends and I was happier. When I started uni, I got worse, I was anxious, my family were cold, distance, and always had something to complain about. That’s when i started cutting myself. Then, for the last few months it’s been up and down. I was getting better, happier, closer to my friends, spending more time with them and talking to them when ever i felt down.
But now, I…I just don’t want to. I just don’t want to live anymore. This world is cruel. It’s doomed. I just want to rest. Be free and at peace.
My friends are good. My family relationship, for the most part, is getting better, slowly. I’m halfway through getting a degree, that I’m probably going to fail. I have friends which love me. But I still want to go.
Last month, someone I knew from school killed their self. I hadn’t thought about suicide in a while before than. But when i heard that they’d died, let alone killed their self. I couldn’t believe it. I always thought that everyone else was happy, that I was the only one who would die by their own hand.
I don’t know whether I should post this. I just fell like I need to do something. About 5 minutes ago, I had a rope around my neck, and my vision was blurring, but then just as I was going my instincts kicked in and pulled it off. Now I don’t know what to do. Every time I’m about to do it, my brain tricks me. It makes me think of everything. Everything happening, everyone i know…everyone I love.
I just don’t want to be sad. I want to be happy. I want a life full of love, someone to love me and hold me at night. But so far, despite my best efforts, that doesn’t seem likely to be possible.