ok. the only reason i am posting my suicide story is becauseÂ an acquaintance told me to do so. on the outside, you pretty much see a genius waiting to be discovered. im 15 yrs. old & im currently involved in 10th grade at a high school. i have all honors classes and have straight As in them. i am a brilliant musician,or so they say.Â i play the clarinet. i have done so since 6th grade & have been in the all-region band since 8th grade. i plan,rather my music teachers planned, to make it to the state band this upcoming year. no biggy since i can do it but dont feel like it. i also play the violin. i’ve only been playing for 9 months but i am great,or so they say. i have beaten every one in the low/beginner level orchestra class and im pretty close to making to the varsity level. i turned down an opportunity to move up to JV because of an old elementary acquaintance. stupid i know. i rarely make mistakes. im usually right 99% of the time. even my teachers can attest to that. i hardly ever have doubts; except,well, now. im a brilliant fiction & biography writer. i know a lot about history & science, so i plan to be a physical anthropologist. im learning human anatomy as a starter. so far i only know all the upper body and feet bones. im still undecided if i want to be a forensic anthropologist. i leaning more toward old,old, & way old crimes & bones. i can get scholarships to any school i want based on my grades & “musical ability”. i have an IQ of 156.by the by im a girl.Â amazing, isnt it?. sadly, on the inside im am,metaphorically, dying. i know part of the reason of my suicidal thoughts is from my mental illness. the doctors are too stupid to figure out what i have. they are stuck between psychosis and schizophrenia. i have all the markers for psychosis yet i also have a considerable number of markers for schizophrenia. i control my mental illness by being rational;so as not to freak out & be completely insane and have to be sent to a mental asylum. my counsler tells me its being hyper-rational since i dont contend to other peoples feelings. i am not in any relationships. romantic, family, or frienships of any kind. i dont believe that all relationships last so i decide to not even get them. i know all lot of people think otherwise.”it’s better to love or be loved, than to never have know love.” i think thats the quote. im not a very good romantic, thats why people call me a coldfish, soulless, etc.,etc. i want to know, rather belive, that love isnt as horrible as i imagine it to be. but you cant argue with science;most of the time. human beings were meant to be a polygomous speceis in which only conquest of the female is necessary for evolution and to not become extinct. anyway, i dont love any one and i believe no one loves me-boo hoo- sincei keep everyone at arm’s length. i havent tried suicide lately because i know it would be pointless on my part with no planning. if i committed suicide now it would purely be on impulse, not totally “heart-felt”. well, theÂ main reason i wanna die is because i see the world as it is. infinte. by the by, thats Blake. the other, rather irrational & stupid, reason is that i can’t stand living mentally ill. i hate taking my medication, because,even iÂ though despise being a genius most of the time, i feel like a person with the average intelligence & it frustrates me to be slow. i dont take my medication, even for seizures. imperfectly good for a few months even years before it all becomes to much to bear and i have to be sent to a behavioral center. i havent been to one since MAY 2010. i refused to take my medication there so i told them my reason,BUT THEY TOOK IT AS A JOKE. i hate all of those morons of nurses, 9 out of 10 of them are brain-dead compared to me. i do recall this Asian nurse who preached to me about God. she was the only one that i liked. the only two nurses who weren’t brain-dead were acutely faster than a zombie compared to me. well, this story is dragging long. so, this is my suicide story.