Another weekend is over. I have accomplished almost nothing and somehow I am ok with that.
Saturday I could hardly move, but Sunday I was able to get up and go out into the world for a sandwich and a drink.
Yay for small triumphs.
I don’t know how many of you are Star Trek DS9 fans, but this scene is both dark AND humorous. It reminds me of SP, sort of. 😉
Lately I have felt like a bit of a hypocrite, considering death for myself while still feeling anxiety about friends who are considering the exact same thing. I want them to stay, yet I want the “get out” option for myself. Not quite sure how to process that.
I find myself writing two opposite types of music lately:
(1) Batshit-crazy chaos, and
(2) Peaceful calmness.
Am I somehow capturing the aforementioned duplicity in musical form?
Since I’ve finished a few of my projects lately, I started a new piece today. After working out the first few measures, it looks like this is going to be another chaotic angsty […]
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Singularity.mp3
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Next new piece, which is outside my comfort zone for a few reasons:
1. I’m not comfortable writing for guitar, so I tend to avoid it. But here it is.
2. Lately I’ve tended to avoid wide-open pieces with simple instrumentation. But this has just three instruments: Acoustic guitar, Electric bass, and Piano.
3. It has almost a country/western feel, which is definitely NOT my favorite genre.
4. It’s peaceful and calm, which is an odd thing for me to write these days. Lately I’d gravitated more toward things which reflected angst and panic.
It’s called “Singularity”.
I graduated 28 years ago,
and I am still glad it’s over.
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It’s time for a rant!
Sometimes I just need to get things out of my system, otherwise they stay there like bologna someone has left on the counter for ten days. Nobody wants it there but everybody’s afraid to touch it now because it’s green and crawling.
So, here are today’s things that irritate the crap out of me.
Coupons I don’t find until the day after they’ve expired.
(“Nooooo… one day… late… Must save… twenty-five cents….”)
Loud rambunctious people in public, including kids who shout every sentence while their parents don’t take the time to teach them appropriate volume. Meanwhile the kids just shout louder.
Me: “Wouldn’t it […]
I posted this awhile back but had my usual panic attack and deleted it after it only had one comment… I always worry that everyone hates it and is just too nice to say anything.
I have to admit it’s one of my favorite things I’ve written so far.
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http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/HeartBegs.mp3
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Instrumentation:
Choir (Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Bass)
Piano
Strings (Violin, Viola, Cello, Bass)
Tympani
So instead of posting it and sitting back in anxious panic, waiting for comments to show up, I will do this:
I will post it, then I will walk away. I will go out to the car and drive somewhere many miles away. Maybe […]
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It’s that time of night again, when I am wide awake and all the rest of you are asleep.
SP is so quiet I can hear the sound of my disturbing thoughts rattling around like a tin can in a dark alley. The alley everyone knows you need to stay away from if you value your safety.
So many of us have been gone lately.
I miss AlanOminous, I miss ToTrees, I miss Mf.
I miss those of us who have gone, possibly gone forever.
And I […]
Imagine you are in an emotional crisis and you need to feel comfort and consolation, so you turn to the photo album you keep. You open it, hoping to find good memories from those few moments in the past when everything seemed okay, even if only for a short while.
But when you open the photo album, it is mostly blank and empty. 90% of the pictures have been removed, and you are left with nothing more than what your spotty memory can recall.
This is how I feel when I go back through SP, trying to re-live good memories from favorite fun conversations in the past– […]
I was inspired to write a piano solo that captured a manic upswing filled with barely-containable energy.
I picture eyeballs darting everywhere, hardly able to focus for more than a few seconds at a time… and yet still trying.
I’m dedicating this one to Hazy.
I call it “Hyper Haze”.
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http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Hyper-Haze2.mp3
And the worst part is I don’t even OWN a dog.
Anyway, woke up today with a terrible earache, which probably means my ear infection came back.
Hurts to eat or drink anything (chewing and swallowing, ouch).
It even hurts to talk.
So here I am, sitting quietly at home, eating and drinking nothing.
I just realized I went the entire day accidentally wearing my shirt wrong-side-out.
OMG.
I think I wore a jacket for most of the day, so hopefully nobody noticed.
I am losing my mind.
Chimichangas are awesome, and so is General Tso’s Chicken, but Thursday I discovered that if you consume both of them in the same day, you will fart approximately 1,391 times. Which isn’t the best situation if you’re in public trying to get things done.
Also I went to pick up my refills Thursday and the pharmacy LOST my prescription. As in, I wasn’t even in their system anymore. So they had to look me up in a different computer and refill everything all over again. And it took them FOUR TIMES before they finally put it through the right insurance and got everything to ring up […]
What I did while in a dark ugly pit for four days:
— After not eating for a whole day, parked in the cemetery and listened to THIS until the sun went down. It’s my number one dark-pit-of-depression song because the warped ugliness is so obvious, and the video is bizarre.
— Took what I hoped was a lethal dose of Tramadol. Didn’t receive a lot of SP notice and ended up deleting the post, figuring I might as well go on my own. Also deleted the previous post about leaving a suicide note. No comments on that one anyway. Considered driving with a brain […]
Cerebral Atrophy.
“Generalized brain atrophy.”
http://www.healthgrades.com/conditions/cerebral-atrophy
It isn’t reversible. As you can read from that link, there is no cure, and no way to restore the lost brain cells.
Sometimes it can worsen into Alzheimer’s Disease, which is what my grandmother died of.
It was a hell of a horrible way to die.
Before it was all over, she spent years knowing NOTHING, and not recognizing anyone, not even her own children or grandchildren. The police found her walking down the highway in the middle of the night, carrying a towel and a bowl of potato salad. She couldn’t remember anything from one minute to the next. She […]
I was going to post my MRI results, but I think for right now I’ll just put this here instead.
Most of you are probably gone now, and maybe it’s better that way, since I don’t know if this is a very good side of me.
I was in high school back in the 1980’s.
I was driving on one of the highways into town, and I was listening to a tape of Howard Jones’ “Little Bit Of Snow”.
The song is a plea against suicide. It begs people not to destroy themselves.
I remember listening to the song over and over, loving the poignant music but disagreeing with the message (because of how depressed I was).
There was a car which had stopped in the middle […]