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Cordless

The last time I checked, I still existed. But I don't check very often. Es schmerzt, um ohne Liebe zu existieren. Ich habe nichts. Ich habe niemanden. Eines Tages werde ich sogar weniger haben. Wenn ich sterbe, wird der Schmerz anhalten. Wo waren Sie?

I can’t think of a title, so let’s just pretend it was brilliant.

by Cordless
written by Cordless

I go into the hospital tomorrow morning for some tests.

One of them is a dexamethasone suppression test to see if I have Cushing’s Disease, the other is to see if I still have Osteomalacia.  (Not osteoporosis but osteomalacia).

I’ll find out the results next week, plus I’m hoping they’ll start investigating the tumor in my head which showed up on the x-ray about 2 years ago.  (Yeah, they’re taking their time with that for some reason).

If the worst-case scenario happens with the tumor, I may not even have to worry about suicide after all.. my body will self-destruct all on its own.

Still can’t decide whether that […]

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Zombie Lessons

by Cordless
written by Cordless

calvin-psychopath

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This morning (Monday) I finally got to sleep for the first time since Friday.

Slept for 12-13 hours, and still woke up feeling like someone who could give zombie-lessons.

I can sit and stare at the wall for an hour, doing nothing and thinking almost nothing, before my brain finally nudges me into consciousness.

Something is definitely weird.

I have two different doctor appointments next week, so maybe one of them will have an idea what’s going on.

Until then, hi, everybody.
Mondays are rotten for most people, so […]

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My new music

by Cordless
written by Cordless

If you read my “Axe Murderer” post earlier, you know I wrote some new music recently. Here it is.

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Triggering.mp3
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Way different from the other two compositions I posted awhile back.

During one of my comments today, I described it like this:

It’s a bit darker and more chaotic than the kind of music I usually write.
It starts out like a dark smooth Gregorian Chant, and ends up sorta like an axe murderer is just realizing there are all sorts of pointy objects around.

It’s called “Triggering” because last week some issues triggered an especially dark pit of depression.

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I’m not really an axe-murderer, I swear.

by Cordless
written by Cordless

Since last night my internet connection died unexpectedly, I had to wait until I could get out of the house and go somewhere with WiFi.

While I was offline, I decided to use the time by writing some more music.

It’s a piece I started last week, during my extra dark bad days. Some things happened that triggered a pretty nasty pit of depression. It was bad and ugly and nasty, and I’m sorry for those of you that got to see that side of me.

Now I’m back to just my usual moderate day-to-day depression.
(Yay, I guess.)

But enough about that… the music!!
It’s a […]

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Fridaaaaaaay.

by Cordless
written by Cordless

beanbag-cheetos-walmart

No, I didn’t really eat cheetos naked in WalMart.
But that would be an AWESOME memory to have.
Right up until the point when the security guards escorted you out.

It’s ok.

They’re more uncomfortable grabbing you than you are about them.

My actual Friday has been spent entirely in bed.

Getting ready to take the evening meds and settle down for a few hours of websurfing combined with a few movies playing in the background.

Fun, but unbelievably dull compared to the energetic naked people out there in the bean bag section of WalMarts everywhere.

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My costume in blood

by Cordless
written by Cordless

splash-blood-scream

A few years ago, I was visiting some friends for a small party, and we were supposed to make our own original costumes.

I don’t usually “do” parties, and I’m not all that fond of costumes.  Plus, this also happened at a time when I was in a seriously dark place, kind of like I am right now.

After much thought, I decided my costume would be a personification of an abstract concept.

I decided on “Sesquipedalian Exsanguination”.

Sesquipedalian means “using a lot of big long words”.

Exsanguination […]

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Testing The Waters

by Cordless
written by Cordless

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/testing-waters-mp3.mp3

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Thank you to everyone who took some time to comment on my post last night.  I was in a dark rotten place.  (As you can see if you read through the comments.) I’m still there, to be honest, but at least I’m still able to write about it.

Here’s the music I mentioned.  (Headphones recommended so the bass can come through better).

I wrote it in just a few hours, to distract myself from not being able to get online.  For me, when I’m stuck here in bed at home, not being able to get online is a big deal, because it sort […]

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Talking to no one in the middle of the night

by Cordless
written by Cordless

Since it is two in the morning here, I realize this is probably the worst possible time to be here expecting any sort of answer.

I’ve noticed there’s an “evening group” which is usually here from about 7:00 to midnight or so, and then there’s (as Douglas Adams might put it), a “long, dark tea-time of the soul” for a handful of hours until the “morning group” arrives around 5:00 or so.

Because of internet connectivity issues, I missed the usual evening time-shift and didn’t get here til about midnight or so.

This means my insomniac self mostly has an inactive page for most of the night.

Originally I […]

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Hello again, world!

by Cordless
written by Cordless

ok-with-this

After four days of being sick and near-bedridden because of the usual health issues, I was FINALLY able to get out today.

I was able to get up, shower, get dressed, and go out to one of my favorite WiFi spots.

I realize I should be used to it by now, but it’s just such an awful feeling to be trapped indoors like I am sometimes.  It’s like being an animal caught in a trap.  Stuck in bed, with bones hurting anytime I try to move.  Rolling over in bed was something so difficult that it occasionally […]

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Hello from bed.

by Cordless
written by Cordless

This amused me:

http://www.theonion.com/article/report-getting-out-bed-morning-sharply-increases-r-52430

Sure, it’s satire, and somehow also unmistakably true.
Although I must admit, I’ve been stuck in bed since Tuesday night (the usual health issues), and things aren’t much better here either.

On the bright side, the health issues attacked at the same time as a load of winter weather crap, so I wouldn’t have been able to make it outside either way.

Enough about me.
How are the rest of you?
Did YOU make it out of bed today, and if so, did things get rapidly worse like the article said?

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If I die, does my doppleganger die too?

by Cordless
written by Cordless

only-me-single
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Stuck at home today while the winter storm rages outside.
I’m passing the time watching old episodes of Star Trek.

I found this picture, which is alarmingly accurate.

So far I’m doing a lousy job of “Live Long And Prosper”, but a great job of “Suicidal And Poverty-Stricken”.
I must live in that alternate universe where everything is the opposite.

My doppleganger in the other universe must obviously be rich, healthy, and excited about the future.
Plus she gets laid CONSTANTLY.

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Let’s just pretend this works.

by Cordless
written by Cordless

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/tmp_18875-tmp_18875-Requiem1220324555-364432988.mp3
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I have no idea if this is going to work right.
If you’re able to listen to the sound file, here’s the story behind it:

I wrote it in 2011, and it’s called “Requiem”.
A requiem is a song written to honor someone who has passed away.
I thought it might be nice played at my funeral.

I realize the instruments are all computery and fake sounding; it’s artificially generated sounds, and I’m sorry about that. I wish it came out better. It would be better with real people playing real instruments.

The instrumentation is as follows:
Piano
Acoustic Guitar
Cello
Electric Bass
String […]

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Can anybody help with this?

by Cordless
written by Cordless

Frustrating thing:

I tried making an audio post so you could hear something I wrote a few years ago.

I can’t get the audio post to work right.

I chose “audio” as the format.
I clicked on “add media” and uploaded the sound file.
I clicked on “preview” to make sure it would work.

It doesn’t.
Keeps saying “File Not Found”.

I tried the whole thing again, deleting the sound file, deleting the post draft.
Tried all over again.
Chose audio format.
Uploaded the file.
Clicked on Preview.
Nothing. It just keeps saying “File not found”.

WHAT am I doing wrong???

The file’s only 15.5 KB, so it’s well below the […]

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Inspiration

by Cordless
written by Cordless

You guys keep posting neat music stuff you’ve done….
It’s made me want to compose something too.

I ordered some composition software for the laptop so I can write stuff during the days/nights when I’m stuck in bed and can hardly move.  It will be good therapy for me, because it will remind me that even though my body is falling apart, my mind still (sort of) works.

I ordered the same software I’ve used previously for composing symphony stuff, but for some reason I’m in the mood to write a piano solo now.
Possibly piano plus cello.

Stay tuned.

(Ha!  See what I did there?  Music?  Tuned?)

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Splendid Isolation

by Cordless
written by Cordless

This is “Splendid Isolation” by Warren Zevon.
He did a lot of stuff that was rough and bittersweet at the same time. This is probably my favorite.

He died in 2003 of lung cancer.
There was a night when he was on the Letterman show, knowing he had terminal cancer…

Zevon’s advice was “Enjoy every sandwich.”

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Here are the lyrics to that song.
I especially like the part about putting tinfoil up on the windows and lying in the dark to dream.

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I want to live alone in the desert
I want to be like Georgia O’Keefe
I want to live on the Upper East Side
[…]

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Old Blood and Drunken Giraffes

by Cordless
written by Cordless

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen my wrists bleed.

I remember trying to slice my wrists in high school, and it accomplished nothing. I received no compassion. Instead people were disgusted and angry, and they scolded me and tried to shame me about it. I remember a slightly older classmate looking at my bandaged-up wrists saying “You’re going to have those scars forever and remember that dumbass thing you did.”

Here I am decades later, and the wrist has healed so well that I can’t even remember which wrist it was…. maybe it was both.

I tried OD’ing, and that was equally unsuccessful.

I didn’t keep cutting […]

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