Life is looking beautiful. As I’m finally looking up at seeing that there’s so much more than darkness. Everyday though there’s still the time when the sun finally goes down and the light slowly fades. There’s always the moon after the sun and stars to help shine light upon us. Some shine brighter than others but those others are still shining but then you have the stars that have burnt out and faded. Reminds me of life on the ground. Life is beautiful. Life is every where. Some of us fall an most of us stand up. Don’t give up guys. Remember, sadness is contagious. […]
Life is definitely looking up for me. I hope it’s that way for most of you too. It’s kind of unbelievable that just weeks ago I was ready to go and now I’m flooded with happiness. One thing I’ve learned from life is it has so much power. It will bring you down and some it will take with it and that’s the misery of being put here and having to live everyday in so much negativity. I hope all of you will be strong and pull through. I know exactly how you guys feel and how hard it is. It’s possible though. Try thinking […]
I need somewhere to begin again.. A completely new journal to rewrite my life in. The saying with the hitting rock bottom? I don’t believe some of us have a bottom.. It seems pretty endless for me. I don’t know about the rest of you. I guess I’m unfortunate but then why am I not fortunate? So does fortune really make up your bottom less Pit? Maybe some of you feel like you are on rock bottom.. Your already in your pit. Now it’s time to climb. No where to go but up right? Which most of us on here are sad in some form. […]
Being happy.. Is possible. No matter how far away from ending your life you are. Don’t believe me? Days ago I was in my room.. No one was home.. And it was raining. I sat on my bed, with my brain spinning with ideas of suicide. One came up that I could do.. Painless.. Simple.. Perfect. I got my supplies. As I sat on my bed minutes away from death so many thoughts were running through my head. My sister.. Prom.. College.. Teaching.. Having a wedding.. Children.. Friends.. Graduating.. And growing old. So many things I wanted to achieve before I left this life behind. […]
I feel myself changing. I feel myself getting happier.. Getting so close to being the real me again. It feels great. I’m more positive than negative. The best part is being able to understand the few who fall so deep in these incredible black holes that we feel we can’t escape.. But it’s only because we refuse to open our eyes. I found out that there is so much I want to accomplish before I go. Hopefully someday though.. I won’t need medication to feel like I’m walking on water. I still have so much to go through before I get.. Better. Now, I’m hoping […]
My life feels like I’m walking on a rock road.. Always cold and dark. Never knowing if I’m going to trip. When I do, I hesitate to get back up. Afraid of tripping and falling again. I always get back up though. Some falls take longer to stand up from.. Something keeps me going down this road.. The hope that the sun is going to wink at me and give me light to see the obstacles in the road. I don’t know how long it’ll take and maybe I’ll never see it in this lifetime. Someday though, whether I’m dead or alive, I’ll see the […]
Finally put the bag over my head and tied it. Closing my eyes and listening to my breathing get faster and faster. Felt nice actually. What made me take it off? My sister. She’s the first one home. The image of my innocent little sister walking in to me laying on the floor with a bag over my head. The thought of her being scarred with that image. I’m going to do it tonight. Not in my house, and not with a bag. Leaving a suicide letter for my mom to find. Since she’s the first one up. I’m still wondering how I went from […]
I’m ready to go but I’m afraid of what’s on the otherside. A soul set free? Or a soul still held captive? Not afraid of doing the deed, afraid of not completing it. Erasing the past, present, and future. Redo the equation and count me out. This emptiness has completed it’s mission. Time for me to go. The ground I’ve stepped on too many times is calling my name and it sounds so sweet. Going without a fight, and a smile on my face. Happiness. The lost ingredient of my life.. Found. One last memory written on paper. A whisper goodbye and her soul […]
My life drags on.. Day by day.. Night by night. The easiest I can make it is sleeping, dreaming, only the dreams sometimes brings nightmares. Can life really be this difficult? Is it really possible that souls can be so.. Broken, that the only way out is taking ones life? Was it necessary to even put the broken souls on earth to just suffer in silence? To cry themselves to sleep? To be so needy of death to save them..? Are tears even worth it? I can put ink on paper and still have nightmares about waking up. Life is displeasing. What if I left? […]
I wrote my suicide letter today. So sure that I’m ready to do it. I let out my loudest cry. I voiced it. Yet it went unheard. No one taking me seriously. Thinking it’s only for attention. I was embarrassed when I told them. Humiliating. Yet she stood there and said it’s my fault, and she thought it was only for attention. Left me in disgust. I like being unseen but when I ask for your help so that I can live happily I expect you to give a damn so I’m not suffering in freaking silence, going through each day asking myself what did […]
Most days, I wish I hadn’t been born. I didn’t ask to be alive. I’m asking to die. I could careless how it happens I just wish it would. I’ve been taking my medication and it’s not working. It makes me really want to pass life. I want to be somewhere better. School is starting to depress me even more and stress me out. Everyone is so happy. It kinda frustrates me that I can’t be happy. I’m afraid of what people think about me. I don’t even want to be in the classrooms. My history teacher thinks I skip just to skip. I don’t […]
I’m lost. I can’t be found. I don’t know who or what I am. If you ask me two years ago who and what I was I could’ve told you. Now I can’t even begin to wonder. The relaxing thoughts now don’t even dare to step into my mind and it makes me rather sad. At least something made me relaxed and I miss the thoughts. I want them back. I’m done with my pills because even though I may be getting better nothing else is. I’m not strong. I can’t live life. Like I said, life is a test to see who’s strong enough […]
Please.. I beg you to stop blaming me for this.. You don’t realize it hurts so bad when you do.. What makes you think I would want myself to suffer like this? I’m starting to dislike you.. And I was just starting to like you again. Soon enough I’ll be gone.. Away from you. Far enough to not be remembered. But I won’t be sad about it, and neither should any of you. I’m already invisible to many. Today’s my birthday. 17.. I made it. Yes. My grandmas remembered.. Both of them and my mother.. No phone calls. Nothing. Maybe my thoughts will get the […]
All of the beautiful lies.., all the empty promises.., ignorance and stupidity bringing me to lay in my mistakes. Unable to run,, nor hide. Suffocating in fear. Closing my eyes, unable to protect me or hold me tight. Tears rushing to satisfy my pain. The cut that wanted to make me forget.., only bringing more memories. Stuck in the past. Unsure of the future. Slipping through the cracks. Surviving but not living. Always miserable and never happy. Don’t worry little butterfly.., life gets better.
Stop with the baby talk. Stop with the whole lecture stuff. I’m not a child. I know what I’m capable of and I know what I’m not capable of. You don’t know me like I know myself. I know myself better than anybody and you sit there and say “well I think she..” stop thinking! Stop just freaking stop! I hate what you have to say! You want to help me? Stop thinking, stop telling everyone, stop wanting to be the center of attention, stop answering questions for me. I didn’t want you in the room so I could be honest. So I could get […]
Pretending has become a daily routine. Pretending to be happy, to be normal, to be me. When inside I’m breaking, shattering, cracking. Nobody knows me as the sad one. Everyone knows me as the one who makes everyone happy. If I’m not wearing a smile on my face people ask me what’s wrong. Maybe I just don’t want to wear that stupid fake smile anymore. Maybe I’m tired of making everyone else happy when I don’t have happiness. Maybe I’m so sick and tired of having to hold everyone else above water when I’m the one drowning. It’s so super hard being this person. The […]
Trying to make it to my 17th birthday. Trying to hold on. I’m trying to be strong but I can feel myself cracking. Slowly falling apart. People have suddenly forgot what is happening to me. It’s the same now. Same as before when no one knew. I’m waiting for my little pink pills to kick in but unfortunately the only thing there doing is pushing me to do it. I lost everything. I’m not the same anymore. I just want to be okay. I just want to be happy. I want my friends back. I don’t even know how to make friends anymore. My only […]
The days now drag on. Not getting better. I have 3 weeks they said until I start to. Each day and each thought push me closer to doing it. I’m still wondering why I haven’t. The fear took me over and let me go. My mind doesn’t stop, doesn’t let me rest. It keeps me up and it asks me why I’m letting it suffer. I have no answers. No one does. I guess I’m living on the hope that someone might. That I could actually get better. I doubt it. I highly doubt it. I feel like a freak. Afraid to let anyone know […]
It seems like everyday I try to escape these thoughts of leaving this world. It seems like a hellish struggle to even make it through the day. I just want to be happy but thats now a forgotten cause. The real problem is here now and I can’t seem to shake it out. I can’t sleep because if the reoccurrence of these thoughts. If my mind doesn’t get a break I might have to give it a permanent one. I’m left wondering if these little pink pills are worth it. I’m left wondering all the time. Left trapped in my own thoughts. In my own […]
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