You write down how you feel. but people dont really know how hurt you are cause they cant hear your voice the tune the stutter the pain. suicide is the right thing to do.
All are deaf , no one can see this pain , cant be ,no one wants the pain to spread to their life their perfect life. Nice big concrete jungle were big and brave souls vanish into hellish demented falsifyed existences , there they only matter as far as their budget goes.there they’re ignorance is allowed ,listen to these “i will give you false hopes to be these children your thirst will change from water to blood” you should know that hell is repitition your fear forever will follow you. ” where do people go when they die they dont go to heaven where the angels fly” people know where pain is they had it before drugs took hold always hiding from the pain we all say lets go insane shove this needle in my veins this pain soon will be drained drowned ,pain ,sadness,fear,sickness is repitition. be warned so that you dont do it again
I’m done with this site all it has done is give me false hope for happiness when the only way i’ll be happy is if im away from every one except for my future wife i feel she believes i dont love her and that im talking to nothing but girls so this is the last time you’ll here from me Goodnight to all
For the past three or four years i’ve though about killing my self on my birthday which is coming up in a little bit.Im getting married in septembor but i dont don’t know if i can suvive my birthday by the way i had a wierd dream earlyer today about i was at my birthday and people off of here started walking up and then every one started falling down then i woke up .
I’ve had my girlfriend write down some of the things i say in my sleep and some other things i DO!! This is right out of the book >Well obviously it starts in ohio i cant remember it all ,but heres a few thing’s”at times he has dreams that i am cheating or being very flirtacous.so he’ll call me a whore,slut,stupid whore,Then he has gotten so angry in his sleep over me that he will elbow me in the ribs.He has also set stright up in bed and pointed towards the closet and in German said “das sweatter ich nicht gut”which means the sweater is not good<then rolled over and went back to bed.Bend,OR june 16,2009 Rick woke up hungry and started eating a cupcake and the rest of the salt and vinegar chips and went back to bed same night later he woke up eating twizzlers and hershey bars and i woke up to wiping choclate off his head and getting a lemon twizzler off his back. Bend,OR june 17,2009 early this morning Rick rolled around and then he said something about clay,i’m pretty sure he was having a fight with clay and nothingÂ was being done about it.Also he kept looking at me and at one point said “of course ” and went back to sleep. “>rick When i hear some of the things i do in my sleep and dont believe it here is something i just found that she had wrote >Bend,OR june 20,2009 around a little after 7am Rick said “fucking *****! close the fucking door! and give me the fucking phone!” then he opened his eyes looked at the door and then at me and said “oh, I thought i was standing at the door yelling at clay and fell back asleep and i said ” oh lovely” Tell me what you think of my dreams email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Â The very first time i had ever cutÂ my self on purpose was when i was 11 with a shaving razzor I saw my sister that was visiting from Tennessee kissing my nieghbor and i dont know why I felt even that young that cheating on someone was and is wrong but i remembered my brother telling me something about cutting helps some times so i grabed my dads shaving razzor and broke it apart and started cutting downward pretty deep it stang for a while and kept stinging for days but after i thought about it in some way it did help so i kept doing it.People ask me how can it help i tell them it bleeds out the bad pain i have inside me.I saw a guy on tv that said that he was not upset that he was burned so bad but that he could not describe how it felt to be burn for so long.I thought how could you not describe it so i found my brother’s lighter and lit it for a while like 15 min’s i thought it was going to run out of gas then i held it on my arm tell it stoped burning when i pulled it off so did some skin it was all bubblely and nasty bloody.I would describe it as refreshing it may sound wierd but it truely was im going to take some photo’s so if you email me i’ll show anyone who wants to see just ask my email is email@example.com
When i feel im doing something good with my life something happens that shoots me into the ground.Being the youngest of five most would think i would be the babyed one the spoiled little bastard that gets what ever i ask for.And where i have received the things i had wanted im told its just because im the baby one,not that i had done something good enough for a reward.Always being told that beauty is the only way you’ll make in the world is depressing when you find your self disgusting at times i will act as if im happy so i dont bring down my girlfriend,my one friend and family,But i can’t even really say family “FAMILY” is suppost to be there for you when you feel down and help you out when your in a bind main word there “SUPPOST ” .Family is a made up word for people who want to imagine that the feeling is wrong.WRONG WRONG WRONG that is what imÂ told i am for every thing i say and do tell someone feel bad “your wrong ,you dont have any reason to feel like that what is so bad about your life you have a home”thats all material things what i want is to be told that i do have a fighting chance to make something of myself but when i say “hey im going to try to get a job”>family>”you want to leave us what did we do to deserve this crap”WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN “WHAT DID YOU DO TO DESERVE THIS” maybe its all the time you told me that “i was not good enough or that looks will make you have a better life”At times i am told i look good then i think for a while then say there lying to me so i dont do anything that will make there little perfect life on hold.People have said to me “i love you” even when i say i know no matter what i say no matter who it is i dont fucking believe them i have really thought about everything i have done in my life and i cant find one fucking thing at any point in my life that would even make any since of why some one could or even would love me.The simple fact is that there lying to me just like the “supposed family” Why why why do they lie what does it do for them to hurt me with the thought that they do love me why? there is no chance in this life or the next if there is that some one would truely with out wanting some thing from me 100% love me for me no matter what anyone says it bullshitlies and properganda to keep this world spinning thats it nothing more nothing less.Here is a quick poem i wrote called “INVALID” Invalid in life no love no loss just us fighting to let out our feeling.I let them out without words i lack the words to tell you how i feel.I might be sad? i might be mad but when i see youÂ im glad that a dream came true and that there is a chance i get to be with you.What is here what is there that we dont see my loss is invalid your love is not approved.We fight this life that will not end WITHOUT YOU BY MY SIDE”I forget when i wrote it but i do remember i did it in school.When our people going to die i wonder to myself when i lay in bed next to my girlfriend i think what would really happen if she was not there the next day when i awoke really life would go on but not for long as far as i can tell she is as close as im going to get to being fully happy in life.But even in that thought i still feel it wont last i still know that this happyness will fall to the ground and rot away just like every thing else that has ever made me happy for a bit.And just knowing that makes me wonder what is really keeping me here really i dont know all i look forward to is death because if i have kids they’ll die and i’ll be hurt again,my girlfriend will not be there to tell me it’s going to be alright i dont believe anything is or ever has been good if something is suppostedly good to me that means there is no pain anywhere at that momment there are no tears rolling down peoples cheeks there is just people feeling ecstasy every one for one momment is okay .There for there is no true happyness in the world you might say ” oh i had a good day” yeah maybe you did that is not a good day when a few people had a day without heart aches that is not a good day when only a small group of people had a “good” day.How is it that people say god is great he did this he did that “oh yeah he also lets peopleÂ be burn aliveÂ Â or drown like my friend “how the fuck can you say someone is good or great if they let someone die and be hurt willingly not helping and at that point why in the fuck would some one “great” let people who kill rape and demean people Well heres your answer there is no god really if there is he is one brutal guy that is just a pissed off kid sitting on top of an ant hill burning them with a magnifying glass.When i got arrested when i was thirteen my mom came to visit me in jail and she said when you get out i have some bad news i got her to tell me what had happend my friend christion had died and he had drowned in a near by lake he layed at the bottom of the lake 250 feet below for a month in 29 days i heard my mom tell my dad that when they brought him out of the water his flesh fell off and that fish were eating his body below the water.I can remember going to my room just thinking of the words my mom had said over and over i still have his obituariy. I keep it in my favorite book.People always find a way to get over things why should people try to get over these things like friends and family dying or things that had happend to us as young kids i feel it is wrong to tell someone there feelings are not right and you may say well your saying it well no shit but i dont give a shit what you think i just found this website and started thinking and typeing down my thoughts and feelings. im not sure how to end this so maybe i’ll end with my own quote “IF YOU HAD ONLY LIVED” MY EMAIL IS MEINREICHISTWUNDERBAR@GMAIL.COM