So its been a while.
The last I was on here I was in a deep rut. I felt like life was an endless pit. As if my past was always going to haunt me and my future was none existent.
The last time I was on here(2016), I was living with my parents. I was alone both with peers around my age, the girl I loved had let go of me and my friends had all but abandoned me. I was still dealing with my abusive father and I was still learning how not to let that have an effect on my life even after his death all those years ago.
So what happened in the time I was gone?
In February of 2017 I had moved up to live with my brother and start my career in IT. I had started at a company he worked at and started getting my confidence back…. That was until I had learnt my fathers presence was more prevalent with him. He was plagued by my parents past. March/April was when I had learnt that his anger was prevalent in my brother.
I had stayed with my brother for 2 years, from 2017-2018. 2 years of dealing with the manipulative brother. I was so emotionally drained and so sick of all his Bullshit. I had tried to commit suicide on 9 December 2018. Not a glamourous experience. I had slit my wrists in front of my brothers kid and his half brother. Something I am not proud of. I just wanted to get a message across.
I had moved out on the 13th of December 2018. That was the last time I had seen him and in all honesty. I am way better off because of it.
In the year of 2019 so many things happened for me. I had moved in with my Family friends. I had tried mountain biking. I had started jogging again. I tried dating(finally lost my virginity, not as glamorous as people make it out to be), I had moved out on my own with some amazing landlords. I am way better off than I have ever been.
I now look at the smaller things as mile stones. I finally have my own couch and TV stand. I have my own bed and I have my own kitchen equipment. It may seem small but its a major mile stone for me. A few years ago I never thought I would get here.
There are multiple things I have learnt on how to handle my depression, but there is one note worth sharing on here.
Dont go down the destructive road
In my 3 year stint of not being in the right mindset I had gone down some roads that I am not proud of. For instance I had met someone on here who I messed around with on the cyber space. I always felt guilty afterwards and my depression was tenfold the day after. Even though in the moment I felt amazing I knew it was not good. I learnt that it is good to keep track of things that would exasperate my condition. Some you can easily get away from and others you cant. Some can be people, places, drugs, sex, media, etc. You just have to keep track of it and put steps in place. It is worth noting I am not perfect, I still go down some of these roads but I had learnt how to handle it and keep myself on track.
This may apply to some and not onto others but the reality is, We are the architects of our own happiness. You just have to work to finding it. Humans often tend to rely on others for their happiness but you are the only person who can keep you going. There are those that will help make it easier but for the long term goal, you will have to create your own happiness.
The road is just a long and confusing one. I had to give up things that I thought brought me happiness. I had to approach things that I thought I would never love.
I gave up my God, I revoked my faith which was the hardest thing I had ever done. I had tried loving someone else but I learnt that I am not interested in love right now. Not until I am on my own feet.
I am still not done on my road to recovery but one thing I know is, I know now that life is worth living. I am still finding my place but it no longer scares me and no longer exasperates my depression.
I have my scars but I dont feel guilty because of them, I see them as my battle scars and reminders of the place I once was. I just hope everyone here can find their place.
This song used to be my anthem to keep me going:
Now it is this song:
I just hope I keep on this road and I hope everyone can get better in the long run.