everything’s changed so much in a week. so much. but im still the same. i have a date tomorrow but i have to prep for my suicide and i dont know how to feel. i dont feel anything. i like him but hes nothing in comparison. he means nothing. i mean nothing
i feel like im going to fucking explode!!!!! i cant take this feeling, im so empty. the real part of me died when you left and ive tried everything to get it back but i fucking cant. i dont even feel alive. im not. im just surviving because everything i do is so fucking pointless. nothing even matters and i just want it to be my day. i want to go. my spiritual beliefs that i fall back on arent working. manifestation and hope spells only do so much until you reach a breaking point. he’s gonna move on just like i fucking told him he would if i died. he swore up and down that itd break him completely but here we are and it’s happening and he’s okay. he’s not even gonna come to the funeral. he’ll be okay. i hate everyone that says suicide isa permanent solution to a temporary problem because its not. its a permanent solution to a permanent problem, life. i can already see the fuckers at me funeral saying how much of a tragedy it was, a young life was lost because theyre doing it to her now. im such a simple person but everything has to be so specific or i cant cope and im tired of it all. one person can’t handle this their entire life and i dont plan to. 13 november 2019. life doesn’t get better and ive accepted that
i have a suicide date, but i dont want to look like a copycat because it was a thing planned out before she killed herself. no ones gonna do the memorial shit with me like they did with her, but they’re gonna link that shit to her like its some kind of pattern. i dont want it to be a big deal to everyone, why does it have to be. the one person i need to care like that needs me to end up like her
im losing my fucking shit lol. whoevers up above got the wrong fucking person last night. one of my old best friends killed herself last and all i can seem to feel is overwhelmingly jealous. i want it to be me. i should be sad but im not. at all. i dont want to be here
i hate having good days because it never amounts to anything. ive already had the best of the best and its my fault its all gone. my good days now are equivalent to my bad days when i had you and lifes just not fucking worth it anymore. i dont even feel happy ever anymore, just fucking talk to me
for real this time. i have nothing left but a date. november 13. it has so much significance to me but to everyone else its just a day. the sun will still rise. the earth will still turn. nothing matters like i wish it did
how can you hate someone yet still make every fucking excuse to be closer to them. how can you threaten a restraining order for me being in love with you but still be the one that texts me first. FUCK.
i hate being high so much i miss you i need you why is everthing so fucked its all my fault
the only reason im alive is because everytime i think about killing myself or take actions towards it, i get flashforwards to him repeatedly calling me and breaking down because im not there to pick up anymore and i dont want to break him anymore than i already have. its delaying the inevitable and i fucking hate it but i need to protect him always. he means the entire world to me
13 november 2019
i rly get threatened with a restraining order because he messaged me first and i responded, what the fuck :)))) i just want to love you. i dont fucking understand
im better off fucking dead. i need to go, i need to
so i guess this is what my life has come to huh? sharing my suicide, more like my entire life story through the fucking internet yet again. im going to preface this by saying 1. dont come at me with pity. i dont want pity, im just sharing my story so at least someone knows 2. please dont come for kaleb or hate him, hes an absolute angel and deserves nothing but the best. i love him with everything in me, even now. 3. if you think you can help me in any way, just know that you cant. so many people have tried bc i reached out and every single one has had to stop talking to me because what ive said has led them to trying to kill themselves or seriously considering it (so far it’s been 8?? people including kaleb). just an insane amount of ppl that dont need to be involved have been. literally the only person that can help is kaleb, and he quite literally cant, ill explain why later. 4. i have osdd1a & bpd and im missing chunks of whats really happened to me throughout my life, i make theoretical guesses for most shit if i dont know.
okay this whole fucking mess started a long ass time ago, like shortly after birth. my memory isn’t good enough to tell an even guessed timeline but i know i was abused sexually, physically, and emotionally my entire childhood that my persecutor had to go through alone til middle school when i showed up n completely took over as host. i developed anorexia nervosa as well as ocpd around the same time. fast forward to 7th grade, i started chopping myself up, as any overly depressed n abused kid. i dont know if ive just always been this way or it developed from me but i tend to overly rely on one singular person to ‘save’ me and i have a course of action that my life needs to follow or else everything in my life is completely wrong and i end up in a huge panicky mess for months on end. it affected my school life insanely but silently. no one could tell that i was struggling until my parents abuse got to the point id come into school uncontrollably sobbing, around 8th, 9th grade. after that my teachers started getting a bit concerned and i met a couple people who were only interested in me because i was so fucking vulnerable. notably, alex. i dont have a lot of memories of him anymore, ive suppressed them with more drugs and alcohol than id like to admit, but fucking christ he was a predator. he IS a predator. i remember one of the first times i truly came to him, i dont remember the reason but i remember the feeling. he asked to meet in his car in the parking lot of the baseball fields, so we could talk and have privacy. little did i know he just wanted to take advantage of me. i had a boyfriend at the time and i was so fucked up from what happened, i couldn’t tell him. i didnt ever tell him what alex did to me. i dont remember how but somehow the entire school found out that i was ‘fucking alex’ and soon enough it got back to my boyfriend. i tried explaining but it was no use. i got broken up with because id been raped. he was the only thing protecting me from alex, the only barrier and he took it from me. alex started stalking me, showing up at my house, picking me up from places, finding me in school, no matter where i was he somehow always just… found me. i was never ever safe. i still dont know if i was just infatuated with him and needed someone to just fucking care about me and he took advantage of that, or if i was in love. i was 14/15, he was 18/19. i wasnt the only girl either, he was obsessed with another girl just a year younger than me. the summer after he graduated he left for basic training, him and this other guy, aj, about 2 yrs older than alex, had this thing. the other girl made alex and aj choose which girl they wanted and alex picked her. stupid to say but i was heart broken. i dont even know why. all he ever did was use me and hurt me. i dont remember that summer almost at all. the only true memory i have was aj driving me way out in the country, putting me in the back of his truck, giving me some voltage mtn dew to drink and watching trolls. i only ten the beginning and i passed out n woke up in my bed a couple hours later. i dont know what happened in between, nor do i wish to. my memory fades out till i met this kid named luis, through ifunny of all places. he was absolutely toxic. the worst narcissist id ever met to this day. he did so much shit to me despite never meeting me in real life. again with him, i dont know if i just needed someone to be near me or actually loved him, either way i needed him so badly. the more he hurt me the more i needed him and he knew it. he faked his suicide, forced me to be sexual with him, made me leave my girlfriend at the time, etc etc. since we knew each other through ifunny we ended up sharing my account, he was too paranoid to let me have my own. little did i know that through my account he had a side business of sorts. his kik was in our bio and i knew that but what i didnt know is that with his kik account he was pretending to be me. and while pretending to be me he faked my suicide to get more attention for our account as well as selling my nudes prior to that, i was 15. timelines are hard as fuck when you’re missing half your memories but this next part i remember so well, dates and everything. the only thing that keeps me semi sane these days. at basically the end of 2016, i was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. i was there for around 2 months, i’d say that was my absolute lowest point, excluding now. i was 15 and was ‘in love’ with a dude a couple states over. it wasn’t love, i can see that now, i knew it then as well but i refused to acknowledge all he did was hurt me. i made him the center of my universe and all he did was make me do sexual things with him, even when i didn’t want to and try to push me into doing hard drugs with him; heroin, coke, and meth usually. after being outpatient for a bit, we decided to skype a bunch. luis had a TON of friends, especially online and a bunch of them always wanted to meet me. i’m a pretty timid chick i’d say so it’s always taken a lot for me to get used to people so i was always sort of skeptical about talking to others, especially over the phone. but like everything in my life at that time, i did absolutely whatever he asked of me. november 13, 2016 (i’m extremely big on dates, i remember all of the ones i hold close to me), that was the very first time i talked to the love of my life. i’m using his actual name, as well as everyone elses in my life just for convenience, none of them will ever see this anyway. his name is kaleb. i was obviously very quiet during most of the call as it was a 3 way call between the guy i was with, kaleb, and i, and they both tend to talk a lot. every now and then kaleb would ask me questions, trying so hard to get me to join in on the conversation as well. the guy i was with would always talk over me when we were alone so he tended to do it when we were around other people as well without ever noticing so i rarely could answer the questions kaleb would have for me until he told luis to shut the fuck up and let me talk. i don’t know why that was so significant to me? he had such a softness while speaking with me that he didn’t have while talking to him. i wish i could dramatize it, but that exactly how it was. literally love at first sight for making me feel important for once, actually being listened to for once in my life. after that, i wasn’t allowed to talk to him, i’m guessing because the guy i was with felt threatened, like his power over me was tested. kaleb had a girlfriend at this point so it wasn’t even worth my time to try and get close to him, but i always missed him. a couple months passed without hearing from or even about him until one day the very beginning of may 2017. he had a suicide date (may 22) and luis made a suicide pact with him. death has never really affected me the same as any other person, i typically don’t really care when others die or say they want to or plan on dying, but this time was different. nothing scared me as much as the possibility of him dying, especially to suicide, which is still true to this day. i had to do everything in my power to stop it from happening and i had a little under 3 weeks. everything from that point is such a scramble in my brain because everything happened so fast. i joined their suicide pact and started talking to kaleb on a regular basis, literally daily. this was at a point and time where he didn’t have a smart phone, only an ipod touch and he didn’t really talk to any single person constantly, so it was a huge thing for me and probably him as well. within a couple days of talking on a regular basis, literally after a full week, he asked me if i was catching feelings for him. at the time i thought he was just calling me out since i was seeing his friend and i assumed he would’ve told him if he knew the truth, but i later discovered it was because he caught feelings too. i told him i wasn’t at the time, but a couple days later, i realized there was no point in holding back what i felt if we were all going to die anyway. may 13, i sent him a paragraph saying the following:
“i feel like one of those dumb fuckin romance movies like the notebook or some shit and i dont understand it. like everytime i think of you my heart starts beating fast and i get all happy and blushy and ahahhhhh. but at the same time im so sad because i can’t do anything. i cant like fuel my feelings towards anything and i get freaked the fuck out because i dont want you to die. i don’t know why you honestly mean this much to me and why im so attracted to you. i lowkey hate it. not because youre a bad person or because i don’t want to like you. just for the meer fact that i havent been able to figure you out. its probably why i feel so much for you, youre like, this mystery to me and i just wanna figure you out because everything ive seen from you is fucking amazing. we’re the same in a lot of ways, but i know thats not all of you. i feel like theres more to you, like the broken half, and i just want to know it and fix it so much because you dont deserve to be broken. you deserve all the happiness in the world and i just wanna see you smile and be happy. ahhh. im sorry its late and im writing everything that comes to my mind aNd i fEeL lIkE sUcH a GiRl, because this isnt like me. i fucking have butterflies and im smiling AND I DONT UNDERSTAND THIS BUT I LOVE AND HATE IT AT THE SAME TIME. i dont ever remember feeling like this about luis or anybody and it scares me so much because i dont know how to handle any of this. and im sure you dont know me well enough to know that i never cry. but seriously, i never cry when im sad. especially over people. but you see ive stayed up crying the last couple nights because i feel so much towards you and im so scared youre gonna do something bad to yourself. i just want to make you feel okay and happy”
and god was that the start of the best thing i’d ever done for myself. the paragraph was so fucking cheesy, over the top middle school type shit, but it’s exactly how i felt. after that, the suicide pact got called off. i told luis that we needed to take a break and started devoting all my time towards kaleb. we got closer and closer and started dating june 12, 2017. the next couple of months were absolute bliss, we still had a lot going on in our lives, but the support we had for each other was absolutely crazy. he had anorexia as well as a lot of the problems i do, and we both were basically recovered for so long. i was at my highest weight id ever been (150lbs, im 6’1″) and he stopped drugs and drinking, which was fucking amazing because he’s had a hard past too, but i don’t think it’s my place to share his story. but see, with me, nothing like that could last. starting around september, i started feeling extremely guilty, like i didn’t deserve something this good, not with everything i’d done in the past. at this point my osdd was for the most part hidden, my anp was the one with kaleb and has all the positive memories of him. as long as im relatively emotionally stable, i dont switch much. a lot of this portion she wrote awhile ago to fill me in. anyway, since i was unstable, istarted pushing him away and like any rational person he ended up leaving me not long after. i planned my suicide and suicide date (december 5th) because it was way too much for me to handle, it became a thing i just did. life’s too much? suicides the only option. just the fact that i had the one person i’d dreamt of forever, i literally had wrapped around my finger, just as madly in love as i was and i pushed him away like he was nothing because i didn’t feel like i deserved him, it was fucked and selfish. especially for that time period when nothing was wrong except for me. once he figured out as to why, i think he began to understand (unconfirmed so don’t take my word for it, i don’t know what was going through his mind). we ended up getting back together in november after an abundance of reassurance that i was the only one he wanted and i was good enough for him, he didn’t want anyone else. i really never understood what he was thinking during that time, we never talked about it fully, only little fights when it was bothering him. i wish i could understand but at this point it’s way too late to find out. all i know for sure is that it hurt him, and very badly. after though, it was back to the cupcake stage for us, back to absolute bliss. we were online this entire time and february 11, 2018 we finally met in real life. i traveled over a thousand miles just to see him for a week and fuck dude, it was the best week of my life up until that point. i got to kiss him (my first time ever consensually kissing someone), he was my first everything, always so careful with me and god it made me fall so much harder. we watched movies, ate out with his parents, played in the snow together, cuddled & stayed the night twice, attempted to smoke a little but i was a *****, i got to pick him up from school, meet his sisters, got some of his clothes, literally everything was so perfect. nothing could have gone better besides the fucked winter weather and leaving after a week. i cried the entire way driving back, nothing could beat the feeling of having his arms around me. once i got back home, everything was still absolutely perfect between us. nothing could separate us and we started to plan to move in together that summer, because it would’ve been a LOT less stressful on the both of us. my parents were pretty skeptical, as was his mom because we were 16/17 at the time. as it got closer to summer things started to get harder, finals and family issues had us both stressed to the max and it was hard for us to be there for each other. i kept on going because once summer came, once we could be together in real life, everything would be okay in my mind. like i said, nothing beat the feeling of being in his arms, to this day nothing beats that feeling. i was in europe for our anniversary, but i sent him a huge paragraph the day of so he didn’t feel like id forgotten about him. he posted the cutest thing for our anniversary and i wish i could show it here but what it basically said was thank you for everything, pulling him out of everything toxic he used to do, making him feel like he mattered, etc, etc. i think about it a lot, even now. and now probably the worst thing that’s happened, the real reason any of this happened. he cheated on me. and before you hate him for it, don’t. i knew it was coming, he was hurting, he needed me so badly, he needed SOMEONE. so he reached out instead of just hurting himself, which i’m so proud of him for. long story short, the people he reached out to took advantage of his vulnerability and trust, made him feel special, used him and then basically threw him away. i found out because one of the girls told me, just to rub it in my face. he called off moving in together, but we were still together and planned on staying that way. he cut them all off. i was told in the beginning of august and a week later i was there with him, halfway across the country yet again. see, i feel like i should’ve been upset or at the very least sad it had happened, but like i’ve said, nothing beats the feeling of his arms around me. i wasn’t even upset at this point, i had no reason to be. he on the other hand, was beyond upset at himself. i stayed the night with him every night and held him while he cried and apologized. i just held him and kissed him over and over and promised him everything would be okay, we would be okay. despite the nights, every day the week i was there was beyond amazing for the both of us. since it was summer there was a lot more to do, we went to his dad’s for a couple days, i met his ENTIRE dad’s side due to family reasons, we took walks at night, played at the playground, went to an amusement park in the pouring rain (by far the best day in my entire life, i think he’d agree), kissed and took pics in a picture booth, went back to school shopping for him, held hands around the mall. again, every moment with him was pure bliss. that was the best week of my entire life, and nothing can ever top it, especially now. we planned on getting married at this point, we had mostly everything planned out but he wanted to wait until he could buy me my dream ring before he officially proposed. we planned it to be october 12, 2019, he would still be in high school, but he never really seemed to mind all that much. annnndddd here’s where i fucked up, majorly. october 2018, after i had gone back home i started to overthink why he had cheated. i wanted to talk to him about how i felt, but every time i tried i could hear it hurting him. i know he didn’t want to remember it because he never wanted it to happen. he just wanted to forget it and move past it as did i, but my brain held on to it so hard. looking back right now, probably because i’m dissociated as fuck, i should’ve just talked about it. i should have told him when i got diagnosed with bpd&osdd. told him it was actually hurting me and i didn’t feel like i was competent. what was happening because i felt like i didn’t deserve him because i couldn’t be there for him and he had to seek support in others, strangers. i still feel that even now, hence why any of this is happening. instead of talking, i decided to push him away. much more extreme and harder yet more subtle. he deserved better than just me and i don’t want him to waste his potential. i deserve to be dead for everything i’ve caused, he deserved the world and i wasn’t there for him. i let him get hurt. it’s been an ongoing thing ever since. petty attempts to push him away, striking nerves with random things i know would hurt him and keep him away. a huge thing about kaleb with this situation and the ones before is that suicide is one of his biggest triggers. especially in those he loves and cares about. NOTHING in this world could hurt him more than that, so my fucking brain thought of this bright idea to make him hate me so it doesn’t hurt him nearly as much, possibly at all. so that’s exactly what i did. he left me in the beginning of may 2019. he said he couldn’t handle the constant abuse and fighting anymore. it destroyed me because deep down i want to mean enough to him that he could’ve figured out why this was all happening, but i simply don’t matter that much, or really at all. i know he truly does deserve better, i’m just selfish and in love and i need him so fucking badly. two days later he got a new girlfriend, evidently had to be part of the plan because if he had someone to fight for, there was a bigger chance he might not give up too, like the end of the suicide pact in 2017 almost. he finds a reason to keep living. i tried to make him move on fast based off of what i learned when he cheated, if he’s in a bad and very stressful situation, he’ll search for support and move on very very easily. and it turns out, that’s exactly what happened. he’s found much better, and he’s happy with her now. although he was still talking to me at that point, he has completely moved on. he has absolutely no desire to be with me ever again or even be friends. i spoke with his girlfriend so she would understand it was absolutely crucial that she kept him safe, she couldn’t let him die too, i think she understands it more now after seeing how it affects him. ive had the entire summer to think it over. hes cheated on his girlfriend so many fucking times for me. little flings because i need him and there’s still a huge spark. i just hurt him and i know i hurt him more and more everyday. he’s said so much recently about how he wants me dead, how everything would be better if i was. i love him so much. it’s not the same as anyone else ive known. i legitimately love him and want to make him happy no matter what. if me being dead is all it takes, then why wouldn’t i? he deserves the world and all i want is him. its been months of constant hurting i just want him. its not even his fault its just me im too fucked always. i dont know who i am or how to function. i truly believe some people arent meant to be alive. i truly believe im one of them.
i hope kaleb will be as okay as he says he will be. i love him so much i can’t even explain it. i was going to drop his @ so ppl can check up on him after but its pointless. hes gonna move on. i just want to go back but everything’s gone now. unfixable. im unfixable. everything’s unfixable