Author

EndlessWhispers

I Remember…

by EndlessWhispers 12/1/2014

written by EndlessWhispers

I remember the day I found out I could actively take my life. It was the first time I realized I could die. It was freshman year. Two kids died that year. I knew them both fairly well. I guess that’s when it all really started. I knew I wasn’t like everyone else, but it seemed okay. I thought I would grow out of it. I didn’t.

I remember the day my life changed forever. I found my birthfather, or rather he found me. I made the mistake of meeting him. I remember shortly after my adopted dad found out he had a daughter much older […]

12/1/2014 5 comments

Consuming Guilt

by EndlessWhispers 2/1/2014

written by EndlessWhispers

I found out Thursday that my cousin ended his own life. The entire community is devastated. My father and Grandfather were both close to him. I have this guilt in me that is just all consuming. All I want to do is cry. A year ago, this could have been me. If I succeeded in killing myself, I would be the cause of more pain than I could ever deal with. I should have been a better family member, a better person. Maybe I could have done something, seen the signs, and now my entire family is feeling so much pain, and al I feel […]

2/1/2014 2 comments

Is there anything left?

by EndlessWhispers 9/21/2013

written by EndlessWhispers

Is there anything left for me to hate about myself? My eyes, my nose, my personality, I hate it all. I loved to read to escape to a place where I could be anyone I wanted, I could be how I wished I could see myself, only I wake up feeling worse. How long before I end what makes me the most miserable? how long before I can drift away and never come back.

9/21/2013 0 comment

All Over Again

by EndlessWhispers 9/21/2013

written by EndlessWhispers

I started college this year. I finally thought I was getting better. I stopped hating the world around me, only to realize, I never hated the world. I hate myself, and nothing I seem to do makes that better. Everything I do just makes me hate myself even more. Only this time, there is no one but myself. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be anyone else, but I just can’t live being me. All I can do is put on a mask and look like the person everyone wants me to be, but how long can I hate myself […]

9/21/2013 2 comments

Deep Hatred

by EndlessWhispers 4/21/2013

written by EndlessWhispers

I dont understand, but recently, I hate everyone an everythhing bar a few very personal items. I have facebook and everything on it. I hate all my friends, and I hate my family. I am not sure what started it, but this hatred/disgust, annoyance/pity just fills me when I get around them. Its not one of those hatred that makes me want them to die, but that one where if i had the option to leave I would and never look back. Im just done. Eerything seems like crap nowadays, and I cant bring myself to care about anything bar my parents, my dog and […]

4/21/2013 2 comments

Future in Shatters

by EndlessWhispers 2/4/2013

written by EndlessWhispers

I have missed so much school. I probably wont get to graduate now…another year. Doesnt seem like much, but when time just seems to stand still, it will never end. Ive been sick, like real sick, and if i find out i have another year, i wont wanna go on….it wont be worth it…nothing would be.

2/4/2013 5 comments

Got Fucked Over

by EndlessWhispers 1/18/2013

written by EndlessWhispers

ApparentlyÂ I am perfect to be fucked over. I have no control over my life and apparently not even over my own death. Its not fair, allÂ I wanted was to die, but apparently I cant even do that.

1/18/2013 2 comments

I give up

by EndlessWhispers 1/16/2013

written by EndlessWhispers

I guess my best wasnt good enough. See you all on the other side. Im done.

1/16/2013 19 comments

Monster

by EndlessWhispers 1/7/2013

written by EndlessWhispers

I used to believe that time would heal everything. So I waited tillÂ I felt better, less depressed. Believe it or not, it worked. For a while at least. Then today I just started thinking about everything I’ve done, everythingÂ I have said. I realized I am a horrible person. I get so angry at nothing because I can’t stand who I am. No one here in my town gets that. They think I’m weird oerfectly content wich who I am. I hate myself, all becasue I forgot how to be happy. I realized just how much misery I have caused people, and just how low I […]

1/7/2013 0 comment

Is It Worth It?

by EndlessWhispers 12/3/2012

written by EndlessWhispers

Is life worth living, knowing you wont get better?Â Ive been depressed for 6 years. In those 6 years, I’ve attempted suicide 9 times. I’ve been hospitalized, and I’vs seen doctors. I refuse to go back. Everyone who has tried to help me, I push away. I would rather be alone andÂ then die, then get help, because I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I am not sure if I ever knew how to be. Maybe its for the best.

12/3/2012 4 comments

Frozen in Time

by EndlessWhispers 12/3/2012

written by EndlessWhispers

I’m terrible when it comes to time. I get so lost and distracted, I can barely tell when significant portions of time have past. I don’s know where the time goes, butÂ I lose hours of it. Before i realize it, time has changed everything. Nothing is as it once was, and its all my fault. After each attemptÂ forÂ suicide, time becomes even more foreign to me. After 9 times, I just stoppped caring. Now, I barely get through the day. Its like being frozen in time knowing everyone else is moving foreward in life, and allÂ I can do is sit there, and hope that one day […]

12/3/2012 3 comments