Frozen in Time

I’m terrible when it comes to time. I get so lost and distracted, I can barely tell when significant portions of time have past. I don’s know where the time goes, but I lose hours of it. Before i realize it, time has changed everything. Nothing is as it once was, and its all my fault. After each attempt for suicide, time becomes even more foreign to me. After 9 times, I just stoppped caring. Now, I barely get through the day. Its like being frozen in time knowing everyone else is moving foreward in life, and all I can do is sit there, and hope that one day my pain will ease. It never does though. It just  builds and builds, while people keep pushing me and pushing me, and then I snap. Ive been hospitalized once before for my depression. Now it just seems like a distant memory. Not even the people around me care, and when I do find someone who cares, I push them away. I push everyone away, because if I were alone, no one would miss me when I’m gone. I’ve thought alot about suicide lately, but I can’t seem to complete it. I tell myself just a little more, and then I wont be in pain. Ever since I started bible study, I’ve been happier than I have been in a while, but the idea of dying and feeling free from the pain I have every day, it just sounds so tempting. It would mean not worrying about not fitting in anywhere, not feeling alone, not crying every day because I jut cant bring myself to be happy. My best friends know how I am feeling, but they don’t care, they wouldnt even notice I was gone. I pushed everynoe who did care away, and now I am alone, and I have no one to blame but myself. All I have left is time. I have so much time. Maybe I don’t. I dont know anymore.