I wrote a suicide note once. Only time I ever did. I wrote it right before what I guess you could call my first real attempt. It was only three words long.
Hi all. It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I guess last time was around the time I started sleeping with my best friend/housemate. We’re still together, and I think my life is doing okay.
Last night though, she was pretty stressed and she told me she thinks I’m an emotionless psychopath. I wiped the tears from and told her I’m not a psychopath. I hugged her till she stopped crying, rubbing her back. I know she had a stressful day and she is a lot more emotional than me, so maybe I shouldn’t read so much into it.
The thing is, it made me doubt myself. […]
Hi guys. It’s been a while since I was last here.
It’s 8:16pm and I’ve been at work for over 13 hours. My concentration is fizzing. I’m trying to get these drafts out before tomorrow, but I’m fighting the familiar thoughts again.
I feel like I have so much to tell everyone about what happened in the time I was gone from this forum, but I don’t have the energy right now.
I’m contemplating leaving now and coming back early tomorrow to finish this off before work starts. I’m not being very productive anyway.
At the same time, I find myself thinking “If I’m going to do this, […]
You just got out of a mental hospital a month ago and you see someone you met inside walking down the street with someone else. You really want to say ‘hi’ to her, but then the thought occurs to you that maybe the person she’s walking with doesn’t know she was in a mental hospital. Maybe he/she is like, a work colleague or something.
What would you say if she tries to introduce you to her friend? Would you make something up like “uh, yeah, we met in… um…” (come on, think, dammit, think!) “… church” (argh dammit why did I say that? I’m an atheist)
Do you just keep […]
Dear Maman,
As it has now been a number of weeks since our previous discussion, and you have not only failed to apologise to me for badmouthing me to your family behind my back, but have no doubt also failed to correct any of the half-truths and exaggerations you made in the process*.
In addition to this, you appear to struggle to consider the needs of others. For example, despite my pleading, refusing to attend my suicide-prevention counselling sessions because you felt stressed.
When I took the decision to meet you again a couple years ago after a long and acrimonious separation, I really wanted to believe you […]
I’ve been trying to write a break-up letter to my mother for at least a week now. The week before, I waited to make sure I was making the right choice and was not acting uncharacteristically emotional.
I want to write this letter, but I just can’t be bothered. It seems like too much effort. Maybe I need to write down the main points and then flesh it out. Don’t really know why I’m doing it though. I mean, if I’m never going to speak to her or any of her siblings again, do I really care what she thinks? Maybe I’m doing it so she […]
I may never die. Someone else wearing my DNA, the telomeres shorter — a body built of different atoms; a different organism will die in my stead.
What are we from moment to the next? We are already gone; lost in time. An instant passed inexorably; an individual altered irreversibly; life exists only as a continuum of perpetual chaos.
You are an individual existing for just a moment with the previous moment’s memory.
and I just get by by pretending that I don’t. Not inwardly, I mean on the outside. A mask of sanity. I’m a apathetic misanthrope portraying the character of a normal lovable person in a perpetual improv act.
I’m polite and sweet. I listen to people. I laugh at their jokes. I’m considerate. My mind is dissecting them. I’m dead inside.
I’m just not there.
I’m not depressed any more. I haven’t been for almost a year, but I no longer feel complex emotions of any kind. Some would call this a mixed blessing. There is nothing mixed about it. If I had to choose, I would trade […]
Zopiclone is squirting into my brain. If they find a way to make the taste you find in your mouth at this point less horrible, it would be much appreciated.
My mind is starting to melt like candles, bright glittering, forming pools of liquid, yet a solid.
I was told these can make some people hallucinate if you try to resist the urge to sleep, but it didn’t work for me.
I didn’t mean to make this post so long, but typing the last few paragraphs has been incredibly hard and and glittering sparking birds fly through the sky, they feed off the weak. They […]
A burst of stardust
Momentarily human
Dust forever more
I can’t wait for the apocalypse. Maybe it will be Ebola, or Russia vs. The West or North Korea will finally build its first working ICBM. Maybe all of these will happen at the same time.
Then all I need is enough sertraline to make sure I still feel nothing while I sit back and watch the world burn.
Up to day five of starving myself with a bread roll for breakfast and a couple vegetables for dinner. I’ve lost around 1kg per day since I started. I’m taking stimulants during the day to keep my metabolism up and appetite down. I take sedatives at night so the hunger pains don’t keep me awake. I don’t have the energy to exercise like I did before and I find myself struggling a little bit at work in spite of the stimulants, but I’m a third of the way there. Only a couple more weeks, I should be able to shed 10 kgs if I […]
Hi people,
What do you think about disclosing your depression in the workplace? Telling your boss or HR or someone you trust.
Is it a good idea?
What are your experiences?
I’m on 200mg of sertraline. What will happen if I take more? Will I be okay?
Boring post today. I can feel my mind melting away.
I dreamed about the apocalypse again. But at least I was in control.
I am weasel.
Hi everyone!
Nothing personal today, but I’ve been having strange dreams for years, even before I was on sedatives or antidepressants, and sometimes these things make them more vivid, but they’re always strange. I can’t remember them most of the time, but I remember flashes of things, like dizzying heights, zombies, the end of the world (actually pretty common for me), people getting mutilated, trying to solve a mystery or stop a crime.
Anyway, I wondered if anyone had any dreams or nightmares they would like to share. I’m wishing I could remember what I dreamed last night, but apart from a few snapshots, it’s gone.
It’s been a while since I came on here before yesterday, and my taste has changed and I can feel the zopiclone entering my brain right this moment so odds are I won’t be able to spell check. I was just looking for him. We never spoke much but I saw him around helping people and saying profound things and I really respected him and admired his impac
t. Is he still going? Is he alive? Umm.. wow, this stuff is more powerful than I remember. Shame I don’t get hallucinations. Anyway has anyone seen him? I miss him.
Dawg, if you’re reading this. We […]
Haven’t slept in two days. Not depressed, just I get insomnia sometimes. I lie awake in bed with my eyes closed for several hours until my alarm goes off. So work was hard today. But I love my job. I thought about suicide for the first time in months today, but not with much conviction. I didn’t really want to die, not like before, but it just felt like it would be easier. I’ve stopped feeling depression (along with every other complex emotion) thanks to sertraline. It’s been such a long time since I felt happy our scared or angry or ashamed or sad. I […]
I just decided that next time one of my subscribed charities calls me asking for more money, I’ll tell them that a recent discussion with my psychologist yielded some profound self-revalation. Actually, just one self-revalation. That I hate everyone. Yes, everyone. No, unfortunately, there are no exceptions. And I want everyone to suffer. And I’m terribly sorry, but my current donations are not conducive to the success of my new life’s work, so I’d like to cancel my current donations. Oh, you’re disappointed you won’t be able to end world hunger or free political prisoners? Well, you were wasting your time to begin with under […]
I’m feeling much less depressed these days. To be honest, I don’t feel much of anything. I’m on 200mg of sertraline.
I find that, although I make friends very easily, I form normal relationships, and people appear to enjoy spending time with me, beneath my friendly outer self, I loathe almost everybody I come into contact with. And I find that part of me even wants to watch people suffer. I feel as though while my motivation has increased of the past few months, I have also become more manipulative and unconcerned with the feelings of other people (though, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure […]
Newer Posts