For what purpose am I here? that is the question that is always on my mind.
And it always seems that I come back to this point, the only purpose in my life seem to be to serve others. I am responsible for the health and wellbeing of others, my own health and wellbeing is irrelevant to anyone else as long as I am able to serve them, they are okay with the way things are. I continue to think that this is somehow friendship, and that my service to them is an incidental thing in the “friendship”. But then their needs are satisfied, I am no longer needed so I get discarded quicker than yesterday’s trash.
Until of course I am needed again that is, then there is the story as to why they could never call me back, why I was omitted from any life event, or holiday, summer BBQ, or group lunch… They are back though asking for help, I am willing giving of myself again, I fulfill their need, and back into the trash I go.
Why you may ask do I continue to prostitute myself to people who obviously do not care? Desperation that is why, I am desperate for a connection to people, I try over and over to make a connection with people. I learn about their interests and mirror them so that we have something to talk about. Mostly them talking about themselves that is, and their interests. I am great at faking my interests to match theirs. All in an attempt to be worthy of their friendship. I am always available to them no matter what I may otherwise be doing, (never much though since I do not have any friends).
Now for clarity, I am financially independent, own a nice house, drive a nice car, and really do not have to worry about much it would seem, at least from someone else’s perspective.
My desperation is for someone to be slightly interested in “me”, as a person, a human being, rather than what I can provide them. Though what I can provide seems to be the lure I use to try and pull myself into their world, and seemingly that does work for a time. I fool myself into thinking that maybe this could be a friend. Then the inevitable day comes, and I am not needed and then it becomes clear again, I am worthy only for what I can give to others.
How did I get here, how is it that I am worthy only of what I can give others? It is now much clearer to me than it was a few years ago when I was “blissfully” unaware of how unworthy I am of friends.
Well to start, I was raised by detached parents, my father was unable to show any emotion, so that any expression of emotion was promptly punished, it did not matter what it was, happy or sad, either way I was an unacceptable nuisance. So suppression is what I learned, and this served me well for most of my life.
World Crashing Down – When I was eight, my parents divorced, it was a nasty one, and I was in the middle, having to deal with both and be bombarded with their feelings towards each other. The only shining light was my father’s best friend who stepped in and showed me affection, understanding, and guidance. Regrettable for me there was a price to pay for this affection, understanding, and guidance, not too a high a price when your world is falling apart, and you do not really understand what a relationship is like. So what is the big deal if I have to pleasure him with my body, I got so much love back, he cared for me, I was special… It took many years before I really began to understand that this special relationship was not a normal relationship. But it felt so good to be hugged, and told that I was special, and loved. What was the big deal if I had to service his needs? Still though by the time I was thirteen I knew it was not normal and I began to dread the bi-monthly visits with my father and inevitably with his best friend. Two weekends a month was not enough for him though, so he started to arrange for me to visit him on the other weekends at his house, to alleviate my mother’s burden of having me around. Now with me at his house the sexual abuse could really kick into high gear. He was free to do anything he wished with me, so he started to share me with others, now I was servicing one person while one or more others were watching and waiting their turn for me to service them. I found myself trapped unable to get out of this cycle until finally at seventeen I graduated high school and needed a job to pay for college. Now I was free of the abuse, I never needed to go back again. I could suppress everything now as being in the past and move forward with my life. Unfortunately, I never had a normal teen age relationship, I was never allowed to date, not that I was provided any opportunity to date with all the sexual abuse going on.
Freshmen Year – So now in college I had to figure out who I was interested in, the first person I loved, a girl, I was devoted to her, she was everything to me, and I gave her all that she asked for. But at the end of our freshman year, she told me that she was moving home, I was “okay” but not what she was really looking for and she could more easily afford school if she moves back home.
Dejected for sure, this relationship failed because I was simply not enough, and maybe I was looking for love in all the wrong places, maybe I just did not know was love was. Over the summer I was available for “love” by anyone who would have me, I did not care, I would do anything for a little affection, a little contact. I could not tell you how many people used me to satisfy their sexual needs, I was simply available to all, if you had a sexual desire, I would do all that I could to satisfy you. It really did not matter what my needs were, if you were willing to spend some time with me, I would do all that you asked of me, just for the chance to cuddle and be held at least for a little while. If I was really lucky, I could fall asleep in their embrace and not be kicked out having satisfied their needs.
Sophomore year – I found a guy who liked me, he was older (2 years), more mature and confident, and would let me sleep with him if I got him off when and where he wanted. It was great, I had a new love, someone who cared for me, so I guess I got it wrong and it was guys who mattered and would love me. This love was to be short lived though, he was a junior, and one day he asked me to go away for the weekend because his parents were coming, and they could not know about me. Little did I know that his fiancée came along with his parents as well. She was the one who found indication that someone else had been there. Easy enough for him to explain that I was a friend who would come over and drink too much, and he would let me sleep it off on the sofa, so that would explain the extra clothes that clearly did not fit him, and clearly he was not gay, so it was easy to explain me away. But upon my return Monday, he asked me to move out right away. I was responsible for his fiancée finding out that I existed, I made this happen by leaving my clothes in the apartment that I thought I shared with him. So that was easy, tossed out again, discarded, and it was my fault that the relationship was over. Though clearly this was never going anywhere since I was just a side piece until he got married to his “true love”. Okay so now I knew that a homosexual relationship did not work for me.
Break from School – I needed a break from my life, I could not cope with both school, and deal with my personal issues at the same time. I needed to try and refocus and see what would actually work for me. So far, my relationships consisted of Sexual Abuse by a family friend, an exclusive heterosexual relationship, random nonexclusive homo/hetero sexual partners, and an exclusive homosexual relationship (at least to me). What truly was my orientation and what do I need from a relationship? To work on this I though that it was necessary to take a year off of school, so I asked for a leave from school before the start of the fall semester for mental health reasons, and thankfully they granted me a year off without effecting my scholarship status. On New Years Day Girlfriend #1 calls me up and tells me that she moved back to school for the fall semester, and she wanted to get back together with me, but with just a little twist. She was already in a relationship with another girl and wanted to know if I would join them. Well I would think that to many that sounds like a dream, two girls at once. I jumped at the opportunity, and since I was the only one working, I supported the household, paying rent, food, utilities… This was of course okay because they both “loved me”, so of course I did everything I could to keep them happy. This too was to come to an end, I was getting ready to go back for my Junior year, and there was grumbling, how could I support them if I was back in school? I needed to keep working to support them, any thought of compromise that if we all worked part time we could make more money than I made working full time. This option was out of the question. There was no question in their minds that I need to keep working to support them, then after they graduated, they would support me. The problem was that I could see that they had started to look where they might end up when they graduated, and there was nothing local in their view. So in pushing for better and clearer promises as to where this relationship was going their answer was clear, I need to support them for the next year, and then they would go off into the world and I could stay and finish out my last two years of school. And then, if their life allowed for it I could then come and start again. So here it was, as long as I was willing to support them, I was permitted to stay, but if I thought that they could make a little compromise so I could also move my life forward by returning to school that was non-starter. Their position was exceptionally clear, support us or you are out. The next day I sat down with them and let them know that I needed to return to school by next semester or I would lose my scholarship, and without that I might never be able to finish my degree. In their minds it did not matter, I was the one being unreasonable. They needed me to support them or else, I never really considered what “or else” might be. Later that night I found out, the police showed up dragged me out of bed and arrested me for domestic abuse. They claimed that I hit them and threatened to kill them. It did not matter what the truth was, or that there was no evidence on their bodies that something had happened. They got me move out of the apartment pretty quickly, it did not matter what I said to the Judge, I was guilty, and they needed protection from me. Thankfully, they did not bother to press the matter further and the case against me never moved past me begin charged, regardless, I was never allowed to return, I could never recover any of the things that I bought for “US”, it was simply all theirs now, and for anyone who knew us, I was the “bad guy”, the truth that I never could have laid a hand on either of them was not the point. The betrayal was immense, I was out of our circle of friends as no one would believe that I was not a “bad guy”. At least though I now knew that a Heterosexual triad would not work for me.
Junior Year – a fresh new start, my education back on track, I only need to focus on school, don’t think about relationships. While on winter break I meet a great pair of guys on a school ski trip, we had a wonderful time together all week. On the last night they told me that they were a gay couple and asked if I join them, sexually for the last night of the trip. I had so much fun with them all week, that I thought why not, maybe this is what I should be doing with my life. All I can say of that night was that It was great, I felt fulfilled, loved, complete. Thing moved forward with our relationship, and at the start if the spring semester then they asked if I would move in with them. Again, life was great, I was now in a Homosexual Triad and maybe this was the sort relationship that would work for me, summer was wonderful hanging them I felt loved, needed, secure. But really how long could this last with my luck. Just before the start of my senior year one of the guys decided that he needed a life change and move out, I was extremely sad that he would make this choice, but with him gone I thought that I would still be able to be with the other guy, but no he asked me to move out as well. If he could not have his first partner, he did not want his second. So alright now I learned that a homosexual triad did not work for me.
Senior Year – Okay what sort of relationship could work, I had run through nearly all the options, what was left. The only option left was a Chaste relationship, and I found one, a girl that I had known for a number of years and had always had fun with when she was around. We discussed where we were in our lives, and the pressures on us, as well as the need to focus on finishing our last year of school and so we entered into a Chaste relationship; She was still my girlfriend, we did all the things that couples would do, and we even lived together, the only thing that was omitted was sex. And I was fine with this, I still felt loved, we would still cuddle on the sofa, no one else suspected that we simply did not have sex. So perhaps this was the type of relationship that would satisfy me, make me feel good, needed, desired, important to someone else. Things went along humming till spring, getting ready to graduate, planning on my career, and our life together. Then the roof came crashing in, when she told me, “it’s been fun, but I don’t need you anymore”, she was going on to grad school in another state and did not need or want me to move with her, and oh by the way I will have to move out in two weeks because the lease is up and she did not renew it as she told me she had done, all because she did not know when she would be able to find a new place in her new city. But now since she did have a place to move to she was moving out in the next week. Then it came became obvious to me she was not just cleaning house over the past few months to lighten things up, she was discarding what she did not need, and I was simply one of the things that she needed to discard. Well at least I now knew that a Chaste relationship did not work for me.
Graduation and Escape – Well I did graduate, but I did not take the job that I had planned on taking, I decided to go to Japan to find a new life and a new me, to escape all that was behind me, hoping to figure out what I wanted, and what I could do to be happy. Japan did help build my resolve, it taught me how to meditate to push the pain away, it taught me that I could be alone. There seemed to be no better place for me to learn to be alone than in Japan, surrounded by a crush of people to truly prove to me that I am all alone. In the end though I could not stay, my work permit for two years was up, and good paying jobs for foreigners were hard to find, so I had to move back home.
Back to the States – It did not take me too long to find a good job not too far from where I grew up, but just far enough not to be convenient for family just to drop in on me. With my new job, I was now earning enough to buy a house, my house was clearly a bit rough, but it was what I could afford. The house had not been taken care of in a number of years, It was owned by an elderly couple who last made updates in the 1970’s but I had the time and inclination to fix it up, and I did not need much space in which to live. I renovated the kitchen and downstairs bath first, and them blocked these two rooms off from the rest of the house. I slept on my kitchen floor for two years while I worked on the rest of the house nights and weekends. It was not really a big deal, no one would be coming over. I had now gone over three years without sex (at least with someone else involved). I learned to be alone while in Japan, I learned how to suppress feelings, and how to block out the unpleasantness and shame of my past. All the while I did enjoy working on my home, making it one of the best houses on the street. All in all it took me over five years to finish my home. My all-consuming project was done, now what? I had been alone for better than seven years and things were “Okay”, but I now had too much time to think about how alone, lonely, and without direction I was. What was I to do? I had also exhausted the possible relationship types and I knew of, and that none worked for me. With the isolation becoming rather overwhelming I needed to do something!
Roommate – I thought about what I could do to help with being alone and thought well what about a roommate? I had two extra bedrooms, surely I could rent one out and see how that works. I needed to find someone progressive with liberal thinking who would put up with me. I went through a lot of candidates, most seemed to be beer guzzling sports fans who wanted to sit on the couch all weekend and watch the games. While some of them did still play sports, they would be dedicated to the games on the TV as well. As someone who grew up without this sort of addiction it would drive me crazy to live with someone who was so addicted to sports. The other group who came were gamers, who’s plans would be to either sit and play their games in the living room, or be isolated and play their games in their bedrooms. Neither of these types of people would work for me, I need someone who would be around in the common area, who I would be able to converse with, and maybe on occasion share a meal or a party. Finally, after going through a lot of candidates, I found one who seemed to fit, we worked in the same field but at different companies so we could talk about work, he was a little younger than me and this was his second job. He moves to the area to take this position, so he did not really know anyone else around. I thought it would be a good fit, and it was for quite some time, until he started feeling comfortable around me and I started feeling affection for him. He took to hanging around nude in the house since he was comfortable with that. He had been living with me for three years now, and one Saturday night after we had been watching movies and drinking, I though why should I also not be comfortable around my own house and stripped down. We continued watching movies, drinking and talking. The alcohol wearing down my inhibitions, he then decided to go and get a porn movie and throw that in. I guess his though was that he would take care of himself and call it a night. I however completely missed his cue and did not think of it that way at all, I though it was more of an invite. So although he started to take care of himself and I did the same. I also move over closer to him and started to touch him. That was the red line that I did not see, he did not want any of this, he was furious with me, calling me every derogatory possible name he could think of, all the while waving his manhood in my face. I had not felt this much shame since I was a child and trapped in the abuse cycle. The defect in my soul is that I do not truly read people that well, and I have made mistakes throughout my life in reading relationships wrong. The next morning he pretended that he did not remember anything because he was too drunk, but he also moved out within two weeks, so his memory was apparently not too compromised.
Ungainly fall – Two years after my one and only roommate moved out, I am clearing snow off the steps, I slip and fall, not too far of a fall but it was more than enough to cause me to rupture two disks in my back, and causing major damage to my L5 and S1 nerves. After many surgeries to repair the mechanical damage my spine is stable. I am however left with significant nerve damage that limits my ability to work, to perform any tasks on my house, and at time limits my ability to perform even basic personal care. I unfortunately do not “look injured” so my pain is not apparent to others; I have been able to manage to stay employed and maintain my house by breaking tasks down to small parts. I manage my pain, with meditation, medication, and an implanted pain management device. Without one of these three the pain becomes absolutely and completely intolerable. Now I don’t have to tell you there is an opiate crisis in this county. So, although I am a responsible person, for whom the drugs are needed to a chronic problem that lets me mostly maintain a normal productive life. I have been forced to give up more effective medications that help manage my pain consistently throughout the day, I now have to deal with short acting opiates taken many times a day, so I have to deal with a cycle of pain relief and re-occurrence before I can take another dose for relief. My doctor does not understand why I still work, he says that I am the only patient he has with such severe nerve damage that still works. Even so he is fearful of prescribing the necessary medication that makes this possible for me. For now, he will still do it, but he is not promising that he will continue to do so depending upon the direction the laws go in practicing medicine by defining what is acceptable medical care. For now acceptable medical care requires that I suffer in constant pain, the best that I can do is manage the degrees of pain, the future may be quite different.
Exposure of Shame – Three year ago my abuser died, I did not attend his funeral as had been expected by my father, after all this was his best friend since his college days, and I disrespected him and my family by not showing up for his funeral. After repeated demands for a reason to justify my disrespect, I finally blurted it out, I told my father that his friend sexually abused me from the time I was eight to the time I was seventeen. This however did not go well, denial was first; it never happened, I was crazy, I was making up lies about a decent man, I was disgracing the memory of his best friend. Then there was a begrudging acceptance that it could perhaps have happened, but none of it was his friends fault, I was the one to blame, if it did happen why did I let it happen? why did I not tell anyone at the time? Why did I let it persist? why? why? why…?. All around it was what I could have, should have, or would have done if I was a decent respectable person. If this was real at all the blame was mine to own, all mine. Forgetting the fact that I was eight when this started, and that my childhood was shattered, and I was in desperate need of love. I should have had the foresight and fortitude of an adult to restrain and prevent my own abuse. Now something that I though was buried and gone is staring me in the face at every turn. Stories of abuse are all over the media, and everyone is a trigger to my memories that I had buried so deep. Now I get to recycle the abuse during the day as they jump out at me at nearly every turn then again at night in my “dreams”. I went to a therapist for a year and a half, but reality was that nothing was really changing, I was not feeling better. I could handle my triggers better, but how I felt had not changed. The shame that I felt when I was exposed lingers and festers on my soul. My relationship with my family was ruined as they all felt that I had sullied the memory of a dear friend, “uncle”, or “great uncle”, none of them will talk to me anymore, we live only a few towns away, and there has been occasions when our paths have crossed, they just walk past me as if I were a ghost.
Present Day – So now it has been over 15 years since I was last in a relationship, (over 16.5 years since I had sex with someone). And 8.5 years that I have lived alone in this house. I still manage to work every day, to maintain a reasonably decent home, not what it was when I first finished it, but still decent. I am however quite alone, there are no prospects that this will change, I have tried over the preceding years to change things, just to have a friend, any friend. I have changed jobs to change my environment to expose me to new people, to recreate myself at every change. But I have never been able to find the defect in me that keeps me from being someone’s friend. I have gone and helped a lot of people with their problems, fixed their issues, given away years of income. In all the years since my roommate moved out, I have been only able to get three people to come and visit me, and they only came to collect something that I had that they needed, and that exceeded my physical abilities to be able to bring it to them.
Remaining Responsibilities – I do have one responsibility that keeps me here one that I cannot expect others to undertake, and that is my only friend, my dog. She has been the only constant companion in my life, she has been with me for just under 10 years now (the vet thinks that she is about 15 years old), she may have a good year left in her, but not likely any more than that. Without her I have no reason to get up in the morning, to leave the house, to eat, to care. So, my timeline is coming to an end, I am starting to assembly my plans to be ready for the day that she does not awaken, (or the day that I need to put her down). But when that day comes, mine also needs to come to an end. My only existence has been to serve, and I have done that. I have never demanded reciprocity, I never kept score, I just gave of myself in the hopes that someone would see value in me for who I am. But all that they seemed to see was someone who could be used for their needs and then discarded. Once my dear companion is no longer with me, there is no purpose in me, I am in my final chapter and the end is at hand. I just need to close the book and finish what never should have been to begin with.
Well I congratulate you if you made it to the end of my monologue, I cannot assure you that I have reached the end of my story yet. My dear companion is still quite alive as I write this. For how long I do not know, I only have the comfort of knowing that as her days are as numbered as mine.