girl interrupted

Today was….a day. I wish I could stop feeling so guilty about things. I wish I wouldn’t stress so much. I wish I could let comments roll off of my back. The thing I can do, and do, to relieve the pressure, to get a high, to stop the thoughts, to be totally engrossed in something other than my thoughts, is cut.

In the past I used my whole left arm. About 30 random scars prove that. But now, I have to hide it more, which means I just keep cutting in the same two spots. I can’t imagine what they will look like […]

I ran out of my antidepressants and couldn’t get them filled for a few days. I still haven’t taken them, and I feel no different than before. Why bother taking them if nothing changes?

Where are you?

We have this place where we can scream that we want to die, or cut, etc without the fear of being rattled out. There’s no other place/person like this in my life.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again
because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seed while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
still remains
Within the sound…..of silence.

Sometimes I think that maybe the real issue is that possibly I don’t want to get better. How messed up is that? There has got to be some kind of reasoning behind it, but the only thing I can come up with is that I have no idea who that person will be. I’m a complete stranger to myself. Even now. I can’t figure out who I am right now. Obviously I know the general stuff, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, but really it all ends there. I go day to day, holding merely those titles. And that’s all they are really. […]

That’s me.

I swear I can’t keep track of myself. I go from desperately wanting to die, to thinking that maybe things aren’t so bad. I’m kind of at a point where I would like to pick one feeling and go with it. My internal death goes on and on, and then one day I’m ok for a week or so, and then I take the plunge again. I don’t know who I am, and quite possibly have never known. Why is this such a damn challenge? It’s like shit or get off the pot already. Damn life.

My psychiatrist asked me today 3 times if he should be worried.

What if this is as good as it gets? I’ve been in therapy on and off for 27 years, since I was 11. I’m afraid that where I am now is where I will stay. A horrible fluctuation between being ok, then cutting, then wanting to be gone, back to ok again. It makes my head spin.

What if this is it?