In church, they tell you that porn stars are girls who have completely shattered lives and who behave in ways to find reassurance from men; girls who are desperate for love and for Jesus.
Wanna know the truth? I have the love of Christ, and am thankful for it. I have friends and family who I trust, and an adoring fiance. Know why I star in porn? Because there’s no other fucking way to make enough to live in this shitty country. Tell me how to get even a minimum wage full-time job in a tiny college town, or anywhere, really. Better yet, tell me […]
My fiancee cheated on me a month ago. He apologized, and I’ve forgiven him. However, the woman with whom he cheated is a friend of both of ours, and she invited both of us to her birthday pool party. I don’t want to be demanding and tell him absolutely not; we’re not going. At the same time, I don’t think I’m ready to watch the two of them hug in swimsuits.
I don’t fucking have a dad. He’s dead. Somebody should be unbusy today. I’m not even in the mood to mope. I just want somebody dadless like me to show up so that I won’t be so friggin’ bored.
I just watched “Fight Club” for the first time. Guess who took me there? Douchebag ex-boyfriend. 8 months since he dumped me and I’m still his *****. He bought me dinner and then took the schizophrenic girl who hates watching conflict to see “Fight Club”. Afterward I asked him why he thought it would be a good idea, and he said, “I guess I didn’t think about it. I don’t think of you as a schizophrenic girl. I just think of you as Kaylie.” Just like him to use a line like that to excuse thoughtless actions. I cried through a lot of it, but […]
That’s the deepest I’ve ever cut. I just love to sit and lap up the blood with my toungue. God, I’m so deranged. I tried listening to music. It hurt. I tried silence. It hurt. I tried reading a book. It hurt. I called a friend. It hurt. I masturbated. I just cried harder. Now I wish that the pain from the knife were helping the way it used to. It’s like heroin: worse and worse for me as I try harder and harder to feel as good as I did that first time. I don’t have any dreams any more. That’s really the worst […]
He wrote me so many precious poems.
Once he told me
“When my skin lacks radiation the clouds stole,
I won’t let this coldness become a black hole,
because the comet in my sky is your smile.”
I hope his black hole opens up
and sucks her up
and kills her
the next time he kisses my best friend,
because he will never see me smile again.
Today, I carved his name into my arm.
The worst part is, if I showed him,
I’d only be less likely to get him back.
He dumped me on my birthday.
Ten minutes after taking my virginity.
Because, after ten months of dating,
I’m thinking cyanide. I could put it in something, and I’m not afraid to eat. Quite the contrary.
Does anyone know where I could get some? Will it be expensive?
Not that it matters…
I lay in the bathtub today. Just let the shower run over me. Put in the plug. Held still in the fetal position and cried. When the water reached my nose and mouth I didn’t lift my head. Once I was close to losing conciousness, however, I pulled out and breathed, and felt my heart pound annoyingly in my chest. Just a reminder of how I’m too chicken to bless myself by ending all of it. I’m too afraid to die, and too afraid to live. Guess I’ll spend another day like I have the past three weeks, lying in my bed doing nothing but […]