I told my therapist I was having a hard time telling people I was fine and smiling, even in casual encounters. She told me I should “Fake it till ya make it!”
We only shared a few words about ending the constant pain.
Wanting so badly to leave, I could not say “please stay”
I don’t know how to ask “do you still exist?” I can’t not care.
I am so tired of being reborn each moment into this tragedy.
When she chose hospice instead of treatment I couldn’t argue. There was no fight left in her. Free morphine and weed, or horrible surgery, pain and more chemo? Sometimes I envy her. Sometimes I wish I had pressured her to stay for me. Then I hate myself.
3 months ago my best friend and life partner died of cancer in my arms at just 41. We were each others lives. Tied together for 22 years. Nothing anyone says seems to touch the constant pain and hopelessness. She was and had been the only thing that made my life feel ok. Now I am a ghost in a dead man’s life. I do not want to be here but I am scared to end it myself. So hello?