heartlessviking

Well, life decided I needed more loss this holiday season. I had already lost a cat before Thanksgiving, right after my wife and I had our five year anniversary, but that wasn’t enough, the hits keep on coming. I woke up less than a few days before Christmas and my dog was dead in my bed. He wasn’t even old, or that sick that I thought, but, you know, life. It likes to rip away your only remaining comforts.

The thing about it is, I had put a lot of myself into that dog, he was my closest companion and friend. He was as close as […]

So I had the interview on Monday, no word back yet, I honestly don’t know what the answer will be, but today I started to ask myself what I wanted the answer to be. I realized what I was really praying for, hoping for, having faith for was for them to say no.

It shocked me a bit. Yet I don’t think it’s the right place for me to go, to a detention environment for young people. The sacrifices it will require, not just from me, but from my family, I don’t want to put everyone through that. I know the money is good, and the […]

Am I suicidal?

I have so much control over my self harm impulses. Monday I was put to the test by the job market, and I don’t know if I like how it came out, but because I have people to care for the self harm and suicidal impulses lost. However I came out without hurting myself, at least physically. I beat myself up a significantly emotionally and mentally, not that anyone apart from my care team cares.

Here’s the deal; I’m supposed to be this talented, skilled and intellectually capable somewhat young person, willing to work and all the things that society says should be able […]

That thing, is toilets, or actually, chamber pots.

So our idiot president decided to renovate the Lincoln Bathroom in the White House, spending tax payer money on a stupid project while millions starve during a government shutdown he created which is a whole other rant. The point is that he redid it in white marble with gold accents, and his claim was that this was more close to what Lincoln would have had than what was there before.

For the record, what was there before was an art deco bathroom put in in the 1940s when modern plumbing was introduced to the White House.

So you know what […]

I really hope this doesn’t offend the methods rule, because it’s one of my favorite songs of edgy dark comedic musician Rusty Cage;

Anyway it looks like it’ll force you to watch it on Youtube anyway and not on this post, so whatever. I was talking in one of my other posts about AI teaching a kid how to tie a noose and how I could teach anyone how to tie one, well so can Rusty Cage. He also built a guillotine once, he’s kind of a cool guy. I mean he’s taken his dark thoughts and found a decent outlet, his music and some other […]

Something lighter, something fun.

I finally actually watched an episode of the show and I was pretty much right about what it is; kind of a variation on the theme of Scooby Doo. A group of teens with a strange pet that get into strange situations. That’s also kind of the situation with Speed Buggy I think, I’m going to watch that next. Jabberjaw also has some feelings of Sealab 2020(and Sealab 2021) and Johnny Quest. All of these are Hanna Barbara shows with the exception of Sealab 2021 which was produced after the classic era.

I’m getting a serious craving for some Yogi Bear too. I […]

Trying to get healthy on the side here, and I ended up falling down a rabbit hole learning about this plant Mullein and the health benefits. The guy hocking it wanted to sell his product which was $60, actually he wanted to sell large amounts of it like $270 of it at a shot. I can’t slight the hustle but I don’t have that kind of scratch for health remedies. I went over to Amazon and grabbed a few ounces of the herb for $10.

He’s recommending it as a tea or droplet, which I might go that way. I’m more likely to smoke or vape […]

Poetry/prose

I look around and realize that we’re all lions in our enclosures. Some of us have wolf companions. We have our trophies and our prizes we’ve won from our hunts, but we’re all old lions, our best hunting days are behind us. We’ve retreated to our well appointed dens.

I’m imagining in this scenario lions have evolved into humaniod creatures, but still with lion like traits. I realize now that men have such a need to tinker and to overtake their environment in some way, be it by owning higher quality materials like leather or engineering them with sythetic alternatives. It’s not any different, the desire […]

Don’t worry, I won’t teach any of you this dangerous thing, I just thought it was worth sharing since we’ve been discussing the dangers of AI on here lately. The thing had to do with drug consumption. It taught me a couple new ways to OD and thankfully I’m not in a self harm place right now. I might use one of the non fatal OD methods to get really high later, but that’s not really here or there.

I’ve been playing with AI more just because I have to you can’t avoid it and use Google anymore. That’s the only one I have to talk […]

I have to say September and October are probably the best I do most of the year and it probably is because fall is the season of death. Think about it; Spring is the season of birth and fertility, great for young people, couples and planting things. Summer is the season of life, great for children and families. However come around to fall we have the only death themed holiday the whole year has to offer, days get shorter, and horror movies go on sale and everyone wants to watch more of them. Of course winter could come close, but it needs a death holiday […]

I don’t know if it’ll ever come to anything, but I’m trying developing a video game. It’s kind of a why not me kind of moment that has been going on for a little bit. I do have a minor in computer science, and I’m told I’m a decent writer. I talked to a computer science friend and he backed the decisions I’ve made so far, but who knows if they are good ones?

Like I’m going to launch an indie game….. definitely some imposter syndrome going on.

I’m getting just about fed up with this Loch ness monster of a modern job market.

Before I explain, a video in way of exposition;

Most of you are within the age range of me to remember the show and remember the bit, but it’s one of my favorite.

Anyway so this last job that still hasn’t generated me a single dollar of income has cost me over $700. My wife and I are pretty pissed off about it. The company may have been somewhat respectable, but I wasted at least a month trying to make it happen all for a big fat nothing.

I really feel like I’m […]

Amazing how one’s environment can dominate you. I was awakened today at 11 AM when the power went out. I would later learn this was because my mom forgot to pay the bill. This set all of our battery backups beeping. Now at the time I’m thinking we’ve got a storm rolling through, it might be a short blackout. I’m trying to sleep through it. My wife gets up.

The blackout goes on, and my wife tells me that there’s an estimated restoration in the afternoon. I resolve to try and sleep until then. The beeping has ceased by now. I wake up at 2 and […]

I figure everybody has a comfort food movie or couple of movies, so that’s why I ask the question.

Right now I’m watching Pet Semetary, which is one of mine because it has that beautiful contrast of that lifestyle I want to live in the country but it also deals with mortality, death and the lack of control we all have. Well I’m actually watching Pet Semetary Bloodlines first to see if it gets better on re viewing.

I’m fascinated by the use of the legend of the Wendigo by this film series, same goes for the use in Until Dawn.

Another comfort food film is Dark Night […]

Just found out from my mom today that my dad’s doctors think that he’s got some kind of condition in his brain that is setting him up for a major stroke. Also he’s not doing well at all. I know he’s been telling me he’s not feeling well, but I could see it while I was with him today.

I guess I just need to go over and check on him tomorrow, there’s nothing else that will make me feel any better. I can’t discribe this feeling, or what he means to me. I’m not ready for him to go, I talked about this with my […]

I just realized I had a strange visitor the other night in a dream, I’m not certain what night he showed up. However what night doesn’t matter. The issue is that the emotional charge changed. Previous times I was pretty sure I wanted to kill him, and this time I didn’t. I think I even commented on it in the dream, because it was strange.

The thing is that I’m not sure what really happened to him, and I don’t want to know. He was my best friend in high school, but he showed up again after my divorce and we lived together for awhile until […]

This movie was my awakening as a young man, the movie is called Hair from 1979 and it has an interesting relationship to the counter cultural movement. It is an idealistic picture of what the counterculture of the 1960s was based on my research. My parents didn’t find it very accurate. None of my family did. This was my teen rebellion, becoming bisexual and liberal.

I found somewhere to put my anger and passion that aligned with my values. At the same time behind the scenes the hook and reel were baited to pull me back towards conservative society; women suddenly found me exotic, specifically conservative […]

I’m already a bit depressed about the new job, which isn’t good. I’m sure I’ll rally once I’m working. Money is quite an anti depressant. Also I get to be outdoors and driving, both of which I enjoy.  There’s more to enjoy in the job,  there are just philosophical and moral issues.

The gig is inspecting houses for insurance  purposes  and for the purpose of after a house is already in bank ownership/ mortgage default. I’ll be a contractor and the money is sort of decent. I still need to find out the hours.

The fact is I don’t work for anything but evil companies, so  finding […]

Most of you know I have an extensive career in mental health and social work what most of you may not know is that I have a weird level of research into Scientology that goes a lot further than most people’s does.

I was just listening to some Scientology music, which is a level of nerdery so high that I realized I’m in far too deep and needed to come out as it were. It is my understanding that most people have watched the South Park epsidode about Scientology so they understand the Xenu methos, and they know about ol L. Ron being a huge fraud […]