heartlessviking

Earlier this week, wednesday, I went to a job fair, and it felt relatively good

the problem is that since then, I’ve been feeling more drained than usual. Even now, two days later, having had two decent nights of sleep, and some really strong coffee. I feel like I’m gasping. Like I just ran a mile. I’ve got a weird numbness in my dominant hand. I’m fully aware of things I could work on…. but I feel so very tired, short of breath.

It’s such a depressed feeling, being physically and emotionally drained to this point.

Earlier this week, I got a message from the non profit that’s […]

I had to look it up, fan as I am of a good turn of phrase, “Hell is other people” is from the philosopher Sartre, an existentialist. Apparently there is some controversy about the phrase and what Sartre meant. I may be misinterpreting, or appropriating it for my own use. As a writer myself, I’d rather my words be used again than people be delicate about it out of fear of misquoting me.

Some things stick with me. I realized this morning that I had the immediate compulsion to hide away, from my pain, from the feelings too big to deal with. I’m making a conscious […]

I got an emulator controller for Nintendo Gamecube, the video game system I was playing as a teenager. So it’s like a little time machine, and out of the gate the first thing I’m realizing is that I was way more cheerful/willing to fail at that age. These games are punishing by modern standards.

I’ve always been pretty skeptical about nostalgia, partially because most of the good things in my past I try to keep around. Dealing with things from a new angle, I’m hoping to learn more about myself, maybe recapture that optimism, that hope.

currently playing Luigi’s Mansion and Pikmin, which are still an amazing […]

I think a lot about purpose, trying to have one and how I fail at it. In a wider scope though, I don’t think anyone else is doing better at actually having a purpose, hence my thesis; anyone can either be replaced or rendered unnecessary.

It’s been bugging me more and more, what with some of the recent celebrity news, but also the way AI is literally taking what people are all about. I love AI art, but it’s a depressing thing to love. The celebrity news is Justin Roiland of Rick and Morty has been removed from all of his projects. I’m not defending him, […]

I have a collection of hundreds of these pictures, mostly to print out and tack to my walls…. but I rarely share. Somehow, I think some of you might enjoy them too

You see, I believe that the horrors of this world are us, we are the thing humanity fears and averts it’s eyes at. If there is supernatural evil, it would ally with creatures such as I. Secrecy and fear, it’s all any of us really have going.

It occurs to me that to some these might be nightmare fuel. Life is the nightmare, this is the wake up call. Also I didn’t make most of […]

Home again, safe, and everything is calm, quiet even.

I always thought I was anti ascetic, self denial seemed like an easy escape from failure… and I’m not saying that’s wrong.

What I’m noticing is how going without makes having the sweeter. I won’t impose it on myself, we’re entering the season of spiritual fasting, lent. Silly, silly idea. I just lived without my bed, my dog, and my computer for seven days. It wasn’t too bad either, because we were all dealing with missing our comforts of home.

I saw an awesome concert though! I also got to listen to some live music while eating amazing pizza […]

so I just had a complete breakdown, in the middle of writing about what’s wrong with me, SMU

I basically had a fight with my missus. Not really convinced it matters why, just we were both tired, I hit some unpleasant conditions for her….. and she was mad at me as a result.

Luckily/unluckily we’re sharing a house with our friends this week, so they got to be in the middle of it… and they were very supportive…. we don’t deserve them…. but that’s nice I guess.

I feel like crap right now. I can’t eat, because of the above conditions. I got fluridly suicidal for a short […]

I know that I’ve missed being here, which is why I found a way even though I’m on my travel laptop and on local wifi. I’m on an 8 day out of state vacation with some of my friends. Really I’ve just come along, but they’re working hard to make me feel like it is my vacation.

The point is, out here, far away from all the things I’ve learned to hate, I feel lighter. I feel closer to being free. Some part is just that opportunities not to be in the state I live in are rare. So having all these different things feels liberating […]

I’m not sure who brought it to my attention, pretty sure it was Plainwhite, but I don’t talk about when things work out enough.

Today turned into a good day, though I’m not especially a fan of how it started. I knew I wanted to get up early this morning, so any time I woke up in the night I seriously considered getting up and getting on with it. I made it to 5:30 AM, after seven hours of sleep which is much closer to a healthy amount than usual for me… I felt tired though. Made myself a really strong cup of coffee.

Once the sun […]

Right, so my dad wants me to call him every Monday and talk about what I’m working on…. he made it very specific he wanted me calling at 1 PM… so that’s what I do, and who should answer but my mother

I love this woman, she’s got a cool job, and she really believes in what she’s doing… BUT, in 30 years of being chronically ill, apparently she still isn’t convinced that I’m struggling more than her or my dad ever have or will.

Lately, I’ve been trying to break it to them that 30 to 40 hours a week is the most I can work, […]

It’s odd, fighting shame as long as I have, finding that I can still be truly pathetic. Today, just in general.

I know what I blame it on, my coffee maker broke. Yesterday I went out for coffee, but I wanted to believe I didn’t need it…. man was I wrong. So wrong. Depressingly wrong.

It’s not just the alertness, it’s the pain. My knees feel like someone hit them with something. I feel in general in a fog, and it took me at least an hour longer to make dinner than I intended, and it wasn’t particularly labor intensive.

Two roads diverge from here, continue my dependency, […]

I wrote a rather long post about this last night. It had comedy, poetry, song and pop culture references. Then just as I pushed the publish button the whole bloody site went down, and I lost the entirety of my post. Has this ever happened to anyone else? They turn to Suicide Project in a time of need and feel worse after?

I’m bitter towards everybody and everything right now, this isn’t a directed attack against anyone.

I got into grad school. That sounds wonderful….. but….. classes are to start Monday, and the University doesn’t have funds set aside for new students. Long calculation skipped, it is […]

I hit the ground running this morning, and first thing, the first thing I dealt with?

My computer either lost or corrupted a hard drive. That might sound weird to non desktop people, I have seven hard drives… and I know, seven, that seems like a bit much, right? It’s my entire digital life for the past decade. Lucky enough, what I lost was just the last 5 months, the rest was redundant data for other drives.

Still, it upset me, particularly because it is made worse by my motherboard developing an issue where the hard drive sata ports are dead, meaning that I couldn’t connect it […]

Two main things;

1: I want to go skiing at least a week every year. I used to when I was a kid, and my entire adult life I haven’t been able to afford it. Everything in my life oriented towards health was with the attitude that I’d get to ski again. Now…. it seems unlikely, so I’m puzzled why I should keep myself healthy.

2: a place to escape to. Ideally rural, a cabin or cottage with a workshop or garage. I don’t need to spend all my time there, but there are times I want to shut out everything and only be with myself. Now […]

last session with that therapist….. I probably shone on a bit more that I was getting better…. which I doubt.

Two weeks now I’ve been trying to find the energy to do the last task on my to do list to get into grad school…. and it just isn’t coming.

I don’t have enough positive anticipation. I’m worried that even if I do get every document in…. they’ll say no anyway. That’s par for the course in my life; I do what is required of me….. still doesn’t amount to anything.

And my parents seem really optimistic about this thing….. maybe they’re just trying to cheer me up […]

I had a cartoon I watched with an uncle who any time someone was trying to wrap up a conversation with him would say, “One more thing.”, so sometimes I do that, not that I’ve ever mentioned it directly to anyone.

Anyway, my one more thing is about the trap that is recovery. This is the most subversive thing I’ve ever thought of, and I sincerely want to be wrong. The idea is this; capitalism commoditizes our trauma by pressuring us to heal and then monetizing the resultant creativity. Essentially, the entirety of the creative world has become a massive skinner engine of causing pain and […]

Tomorrow is my last therapy appointment with this therapist, so there won’t be time to process this, and I need to.

Last night I had a dream that I was working as a teacher’s assistant in my old elementary school. I’m no Freudian, but it’s where the dream went next that really made it stick. I was trying to find my way back to my car, and I ended up in the middle school I went to, a separate entire building, and they were renovating it. Some sort of school official came by by they wouldn’t help me get out, we ended up walking around bits […]

It could be called something different, for example if we wanted to talk about it neurobiolocially, it’s anhedonia, the inability to feel.

Point is though, this is becoming my default. It isn’t that I want to talk about it, it’s that if I don’t it’ll fester into poison which will slowly kill me. As in yes, where I am is unpleasant, but it could get worse.

I think it comes back to the finiteness of reward, and the specificity of my tastes. I don’t get pleasure from the majority of movies, same is true of games. Finding one that hits that motivation core is a wonderful experience, […]

This time of year, there’s a lot of feelings around. Personally, I dislike feelings, especially when it is me feeling them.

All the same, I can’t help but look around and think things are pretty nice. We just got back from the store and bought enough food to make it through the incoming cold snap. All food that sounds good to me, which is a challenge these days.

So I’m basically holed up in my little house, most of the time in my little office. I have a space heater, so it is current 77 degrees in my office, just lovely. My favorite dog is sitting on […]

I take a sick kind of glee tracking down those with poor suicide education and educating them. Human curiosity is insufferable, so I see many of the new initiates post; “When you are depressed, is that like being really really sad?”

and it’s stupid. Yeah, depression is kind of an enduring sadness. But that’s so obvious, we’ve talked about it ad nauseum.

On the other hand, maybe it’s insightful. I feel like the main character in the Russian folktale the boy who left home to learn about the shivers.

In the story the hero is introduced as someone who asks constant questions, which gets on his family’s nerves […]