heartlessviking

I personally dislike AI, but sometimes it does make something funny, and my wife made something funny with AI this time because I don’t force her to share my distastes. For context here I’m a white man and she’s a white woman. Granted we both have complex backgrounds, but the AI got a lot wrong here.

So she decided to feed one of our vacation photos into an AI filter because it was popular, totally normal. It was a picture of us cuddling on a seat going up the Gateway Arch in St. Louis Missouri. The first thing that several of the filters turned us into […]

they fired me, I’m in new levels of ticked off about it, just another bad company really. Have you ever met a good company? Can’t say I have.

My wife says she works for one, but I don’t work for them.

It isn’t all doom and gloom over here, sometimes one of my projects actually comes to something worthwhile, even if I’m the only one that will ever see value out of it.

Out of nowhere the other day I remembered a game from my mispent youth; Creatures 3. This was back from the compact disc days. I literally owned a cardboard box with the little booklet and a jewel case containing a little compact disc with the words Creatures 3 printed on it. It had a CD key! It was one of my first experiences with modding a game!

This was before the Sims, one of the […]

Yesterday was kind of a lot. There’s been a lot in my head I’ve been kind of just holding in, I know, I know I should just talk to people about stuff, it gets harder with the heat and the stress, I’m so low right now. Not sure if I’m suicidal or not, not expressing it if I am. Keeping it all packed down inside. Until it spills out, like it did yesterday.

The kid was pulling my hair and beard, I was getting in trouble for his toilet problems again, and for another kid, I’d been decheduled on a Friday for the third week running […]

Little jerk forced me into a lie today, and I was kind of impressed at it. One of my favorite kids so to be clear the little jerk thing is a term of endearment. He’s one of the smartest kids I work with so he does make little asides that surprise me from time to time.

“Why do adults never brush their teeth”, a comment about my bad breath….. and he got me. I’ve had a headache most of the day and I’m bad at lying to him, so I admitted to having bad breath and not brushing my teeth. What I didn’t tell him was […]

other men get full up on food and good things and might talk about battles they won, or trophies, but me, I end up talking about nineties cartoons and Native American legends……. because I’m a fucking nerd.

I’ve believed in the potential of “Kid Friendly” (This is the actual name of the Character I’m discussing, to prevent a bunch of Abbott and Costello level confusion) From the 90s hit Angry Beavers for a long time now.

The ballad was sung by Waylon Jennings for pity sake, it was my introduction to him as a singer. I loved the bit about killing people with kindness, it was just […]

Just a generally disturbing Sunday Evening happening; my dog brought my attention to a gas cap in his bedding……

Here’s me thinking he was hungry. It didn’t come off of any of our vehicles is the thing. So where did it come from? It means he picked it up in the yard most likely, there’s a bit of buried junk back there. Little stuff people forget, and I repeat my lament; this state is so polluted.

It’s just cummulative, I know a little thing like a gas cap doesn’t seem like it is harmful, but it is and it all makes it worse, especially this being technically […]

now they’re descheduling me tomorrow, or that’s what it looks like.

when I got off work today I was already set up for a pretty lousy shift tomorrow; 12;30-4;30, so just the hottest part of the afternoon. I was going to do it though because any hours is hours. I need hours.

Then a few hours later I look at my schedule, because it can change any time, and now I don’t have any scheduled hours tomorrow…. and maybe a day off sounds nice in the middle of the week, especially a hot week…..

but I’m insecure in my job. Is this some kind of message about my […]

I’ve run into a lot of people who feel like I do about Oklahoma, who have been here maybe twice. It doesn’t take long to find out that this place is hard to escape. The video is partially about the car curse, how trying to leave Oklahoma (and particularly Tulsa) is going to face some supernatural odds…. Awful things happen, improbable things, and this place, most of this state doesn’t make sense even to those of us stuck living here……

I mean I just got done loving on one of my kids, and trying to focus on the good, but that kid is probably stuck as […]

Willie Nelson has always been one of my heroes, and I love that he’s cool enough to work on something like this

I was talking to @plainwhite about mourning and then by complete happenstance I stumbled into thinking about my granddad who I’ll never see again in the flesh. I have a lot of those people in my heart. Some of them are still alive, but I doubt I’ll see them anyway. Dead to me just means they’re working really hard never to see my face again. Maybe I’m doing it to them.

Point is Granddad is ash, his brain patterns and soul bits scattered to the wind whatever they were. All that is left is my memories of him, and everyone else who has them as well. […]

What I want, need for success the most is control, just to feel integrated into my world and to feel like I understand and have input in it. Finding balance in this has been the central arc of my mental health journey. I know absolute control is impossible, but more control than I have is also possible. Days like today are hard for a reason, I had to cope with a distinct lack of control, it took significant coping skills to hide how much it shook me, and I probably hid it poorly.

The projects and jobs I succeeded at, I was given multi month timelines […]

Really, even though I got off early today and was grateful for it, that gut urge to run was still with me. It’s animal, deny yourself too much I think is part of it. As much better as I am, I’m working too hard still. I got caught at it, it really is my biggest flaw to run myself down physically and not be at my physical median at least half the time. We talked about professionalism in the opening course, I know my health isn’t professional….

See, work/life balance isn’t professional, because one makes more demands sometimes. When work does, it is always abusive, and […]

Deep in.

My dog died.

It’s not that I don’t take anyone seriously. It’s more that I take people a varying degree of seriously.  Ended up in the weeds for a bit, sorry. I feel like I’m barely keeping up right now.

Anyway. as nice as I am I think most people are full of shit. No matter how clever someone is, they’re going to believe in someone or something that I know is a grift, and then I’m going to have to think less of them. Adam Conover is a bit of a different breed, because he knows he’s an infotainment comedian. He’s got a bachelor’s degree […]

Warning spoilers ahead for 2019 independent horror/fantasy/thriller Daniel Isn’t Real.

Considering I didn’t publish the last post I wrote, maybe the warning is pointless, maybe it is all pointless.

Anyway you’d think I’d someday watch enough horror movies about mental illness, but it hasn’t happened yet.  Luke, our lead has a mother with Schizophrenia and is really validly worried that he also has it, since his imaginary friend is giving him command hallucinations. Command hallucinations are a feature of schizophrenia and some other psychotic disorders where your hallucinations (usually audio but sometimes visual) tell you to do things.

In the movie Daniel can take over Luke’s body. Anyway […]

I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t of been a defect, from the very start of my life there’s been something wrong with me and I had to figure out the world as an outsider. I got lucky, parents with insurance, money, or unlucky, I never decided if all these years of correction did me any good.

The point I reached relatively early was that if I ever had the power, I’d do better by a young person in the position I was in than the people did by me.

Well I guess now I’m going to have that chance like I never have before. […]

I had this idea, based on this job as a successful thing, a minor assumption, but crazier things have happened.

So suppose I stick with it a few years, get my masters in clinical psychology from a very respected school and in the meantime make inroads with this rapidly expanding company in the field of autism therapy, now get ready this gets organization politics, a bit machiavelian and definitely agressive;

I campaign for a new clinic in a city with the university I want to go to, where I will work for them, even sign a contract for a set period of time if they need me […]

I want to thank myself for my particular strategy that seems to keep being the incentive the world seems to need to react in a certain way. Not that I’m not thankful for it. Not that I have regrets, just that the connection just occured to me and I felt the desire to share about it, because it could be simple random circumstance.

You know what I was getting ready to do, as these two interview offers followed by a very quick job offer? I was preparing to apply for jobs for the next three or four years. I was settling in for an endless pointless […]

I’m bowled over, I didn’t think an employer was going to give in this easy, ever. I got the job, for those of you who don’t want to read my rambling on, and I don’t blame you at all if you don’t.

It’s just, wow, I wasn’t planning on giving up so easy either but I don’t see how anyone can offer me any better is the thing. Not a particularly bad commute, as they go. As good a shift as any, eight hours, weekdays. I get to play with autistic kids all day. I mean, worst bit of it is that I have to change […]

As alluded to in my other post, it’s been a wild couple of days. Had to update treatment plan, first off, which should be non dramatic, but it isn’t because I’m low level suicidal and my treatment plan people want me not at all suicidal…. and that’s kinda too bad for them…. it aint happening when life is how it’s going right now. They always have to ask if I felt like committing in the last thirty days, and I did, somewhere in the last 30, I’m not super firm on dates but I’m relatively sure I thought about throwing myself off that bridge that […]