heartlessviking

Jim Carrey is an interesting distorted reflection for me. Due to time of life and circumstance we’re very similar. The same was once true of Robin Williams. I thought he had gotten out. The end bit where Jim is depersonalizing, realizing that even Jim Carrey is a character he plays, that’s where I was awhile ago.

I didn’t realize his life started where it did, in homelessness and despair, and who he was is someone he became for survival.  A role he had to play, I can relate.

The transformation is what causes a lot of emotion in me. How who he was inside changed, he seems […]

So many years trying to put it into words. Even expressing that time is a form of admitting defeat. In this moment, I’m probably not so awful or monstrous at all to most eyes. Well Sweeney Todd didn’t look too threatening getting off that boat, did he? The monster before it demonstrates it’s ills is just another beast in the vast array that life provides. It would be charitable and foolish to believe those beasts friendly.

Yet I don’t even look like a beast, people admire and praise me. People call me kind and good. It’s sweet how willing they are to not look at the […]

This is only the second training I’ve ever done specifically dealing with suicide, but this one is by far much more wrong. The first one was sponsored by SAMSA and performed by a veteran psychologist for psychology majors, it was comprehensive and not bad.

This one was sponsored by some mental health organization I’ve never heard of, done by social workers for social workers. I didn’t have high expectations going in to be fair. It was “mental health first aid”, an almost ludicriously oversimplification of maybe people should bother to be literate in common mental disorders.

I could have taught this course, despite never seeing it until […]

It’s literally just now that I had excess energy, for the first time in days, which has been a mixed bag of a breakdown I can tell you what. Yes, breakdown, once again my week ended with me trying to quit and failing.

The difference between these and other times in my life that I’ve had breakdowns is that I am remarkably better resourced now than I was even 2 years ago. Which allowed me to build a plan… that’s all that is usually required to get through even the nastiest shit. Oh and this definitely qualifies as that.

I can’t harp on it much though,  counterproductive […]

I dance around it, complain about other things as if they are the main problem, but the real main problem between me and most of the species is that they don’t see the way I do.  It’s taken me years of working on myself to try and express this, and I still don’t know if I’ll succeed.

Other human beings have a sort of intuitive sense for conforming. They see and hear things differently because they didn’t have to push those two senses like I did. Not to say either approach is better, just that I’m frustrated that they can’t see mine.

I wish I could think […]

Hi, it’s me, I’m the problem

I don’t sincerely believe it yet, but that’s the framework I have to adhere to until I get out of this wackadoodle place, or until I’m dead, whichever comes first.

because I had to use the restroom

THE AFRONTARY, having bodily functions, AT WORK, like some kind of HUMAN

I asked for an afternoon break every day too, such things aren’t done. Also, I don’t love the very shadow of a certain person who they are all fond of.

I’m being overdramatic, I know that.

I got a little steamed about that, I was going to walk, until I remembered that I don’t have any […]

I still haven’t found a disorder for it, but when I get to a particularly dark spot awful song lyrics show up in my head, like the title to this post. I’m aware that I’m old and a fair amount of people aren’t aware of this song, or Nickelback, lucky people up until now, I’ll fix that.

Nickelback is one of the worst bands ever to exist, and this is one of the worst songs ever written, in terms of encouraging the worst behavior in persuit of ends that you absolutely won’t be getting.

The why this song is in my head is the more interesting bit […]

It took me three hours to get to words, it was that bad of a day. I almost quit. I may yet. Wow am I in a bad mood deep down. The discontent, it ferments deep.

Start, the fire alarm went off the third time. The third time, and I’m still trying to get the same client checked in that I was trying to get checked in the FIRST TIME. The SECOND time another client  commented that this was an inhumane working environment, I agreed.

Clients are leaving, food isn’t worth this to them, imagine how bad that has to be. They’ll be back tomorrow, so I […]

You forgot the color film, my Michael
Now no one believes us, how beautiful it was here, ha-ha, ha-ha
You forgot the color film, for my soul
Everything blue and white and green and later no longer true

She was in East Germany in 1975, she laments how gray it is there. Her boyfriend Micheal, her heart forgot the color film on vacation, now they will have no memories of marvelous color, the only reprieve they had from their lives.

The sea buckthorn stood tall on the beach of Hiddensee
Micha, my Micha, and everything hurt so much
That the rabbits looked shyly out of their burrows
So loudly did […]

It’s been an eventful few days. I cried a few times. Me, crying, what is this world coming to? Big emotions, huge life forces, enough to overcome even my massive will. Unstoppable force meets immovable object.

I met with my therapist, and that really was the least of it. Just a concentrated rage dump there, really. I can’t let my rage out in polite society. I do hate this place, and most of all I hate all the passive jerks who don’t challenge it. I’ve been one for too long. So I’m trying to stop. Here’s where I get that maniac grin.

But it’s the sanest thing. […]

It feels a lot like falling, going down a ski slope or a roller coaster, ah, I miss those days.

I’m only on the functional side of madness. Monitored, if I slip I’ll be looked after. I’m not quite mad enough. I only have intrusive thoughts of self harm. That’s manageable. I’m only daydreaming about death, perfectly acceptable. Poe esque, I seem to be in a second teenage goth rebellion. Except with really realistic suicidal ideation. I don’t think goths are supposed to have that.

The rug’s just pulled out, the strings cut as it were. I’ve been here before. How I love being a historian.” Patient […]

I think our society has an aversion to anything painful or unpleasant and it’s done a real disservice to those of us that ply our trade in professions that require use to interact with those two factors. You think pain is bad, that’s your first mistake. Let me guess the first sign of pain you take a painkiller?

I won’t shame you for it, it is the conditioned response. If you can’t sleep, you take a sleep aid. If you have pain, pain killer seems like the obvious choice. Yet, that’s not right. The reason is that a lot of pain killers are really toxic and […]

You know you can’t hold me forever, I didn’t sign up for you

I’m not a present for your friends to open, this boy’s too young to be singing the bluuuuuuues

Just, this song is such a perfect stand in for where I am right now. Failed entirely by the promises of fame and fortune given in my youth. You can’t let me in your penthouse, I’m going back to my plow.

I finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road……

No one here has the answers I’m looking for. I can’t get it here. So this is a location and lifestyle problem, not a being alive […]

Spoilers for the 2022 movie Old Man, so watch out for that if you care.

It’s been a while since I needed to post twice in a day, but this was a different enough thing, enough of it’s own thing that I felt it was worth seperating out. Let me paint you a picture and tell you a story, because chances are you aren’t going to watch this movie I have now watched twice.

A young man stands in a clearing of a forest, in front of him, and suddenly in front of us is a house. Smoke comes from the chimney, and the windows are lit […]

I’m nearing the end of me, again. I know, I’ve said it a lot, and it was true all of those times too. This isn’t a boy cried wolf situation, this is a wolf infestation situation, how’s that for a turn of phrase?!

The why doesn’t even matter, one more crisis than I can handle, 10% more stress than my body can take even with a full dose of prescription medications, caffeine and nicotine. It feels like my stomach is full of sharp triangles of steel. It feels like I laid down in wet concrete, and it is starting to harden.

I want to run. It’s taking […]

The most interesting thing to me is how when you take an addict, or other dependent type and you start to ween them off whatever they’ve been on, and stuff will start to happen to try to pull them back. Up until you start trying to dry up, it seems like a bad idea.

However somewhere on the way up, you get smacked in the face with some obstacle, and that obstacle is probably what was keeping you hooked in the first place. This happens with behavior change too, maladaptive behavior trying to swap it out, you’ll find out why you started on the way back […]

It’s important that I say it somewhere, might as well be here. I just got through quite a thing, two-three near walkouts in one week. I nearly didn’t make it to Friday. We make a big deal about making it to Friday at my office, it’s clever because it helps us endure.

This week was an endurance trial. Thank whatever you thank I gave up caffeine and a lot of the heavier stuff weeks ago. Still at my nicotine and THC, with a passion one might say.

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