When i was a little girl i almost drowned at the beach i was almost gone but then my father grabbed me and saved me…..I wish he had let me die then i wouldnt hurt like i do everyday and my family would be over it by now….why couldnt he just let me go? i think it was god’s plan for me to die cause my life has been hell every since. Ive been depressed my whole life now im 27 and extremely tired i just want out….thats all
I am such a coward.Â why am i so afraid to follow through on my attempts. I know that my everyday life is much more painful than any method of committing suicide. Everyday hurts so why cant i do this. is it the pain or the fear of what comes after. i dont know all i know is i hate me and i hate my life. i suffer everyday and i want it to end. Â I think maybe i shouldÂ get some bug foggers and set them off in a small enclosed area it should be painless right? then i get scared that it wont work and i’ll just get sick or go blind and end upÂ in the hospital with large billÂ because thats the type of stuff that happens to me. I am so lost. i dont know how to escape.
Why am I fighting to live
If Im just living to fight
Why am I trying to see
When there aint nothin in sight
Why am i tryin to give
When no 0ne gives me a try
Why am I dyin to live
When Im just livin to die
This is the hook off of my favorite songs. it says so much with so little.
I dont know what to say my whole life has been shit. I have been trying to kill myself since i was a child of about 10.Â Nothing ever goes right in my life and that is no exaggeration,Â sometimes i think god hates me for something i did. or something someone else did. its to the point where i had to ask my mother if i was concentually concieved because i feel like my being here is a mistake. i really hate myself and i am just so tired of trying and failing howÂ can one person be such a failure. god must hate me because its started when i was still just an innocent kid. most people wake up and thank god for another day all i cant say when i wake is is oh god not again. i know these feeling are wrong especially since i have two little girls. some say suicide is selfish or cowardly well i think if you are someone like me suicide is brave and unselfish. i hate to think of my kids growing up with a mother like me an angry, depressed, stressed out failure that cant do anything right. no. it would be selfish for me to stick around much longer. I wish i was brave enough to jump out into traffic or shoot myself in the head. the razors hurt and leave scars so people start askin a whole lot questions especially given my race. Â carbonÂ monoxide takes too long and you’ll get caught, hanging hurts too. ive mixed a concoction of pills and liquor only to fall asleep with a stomach ache.Â see i cant even kill myself efficiently. anyway lets see what else have i tried: i cant drown myself i think that is the worst way to go. you know what i feel like i deserve i kinda want to pour gasoline all over myself set myself on fire. i know it sound crazy but thats how much pain i am in every single day.Â i am a 27 year old nothin. why cant i succeed at anything. why cant i be normal. i had such high hopes for myself and i dont know why things turned out like this i am so depressed i cant even see straight all i can see is that there is no way out. you either live and suffer or kill yourself and risk hell. i have had jobs and college and military but nothing works out and now i am losing everything i already didnt have much and now thats being taken too. i would love to live but not like this i am not living i am alive. i have tried and tried and tried and things only gets worse then i’ll try to pray and things get even worse.Â I have nothing and i can do nothing for my children they deserve better than me. i know when my mother first set her eyes on me this is not what she saw for her baby girl’s future.
Some people are pretty some are smart, some are rich, some can sing, or paint, or dance, or write well, some people have an unforgettable personality. but not me i have nothing no looks and no talents. im almost 30 if you havent made by 30 you are not going to and i cant live with that.Â I want to die . i want to die so bad thats all i pray for now. i no longer pray for help or mercy all i pray for is death but he wont kill me he wants me to suffer but i dont know why.Â One of my main thoughts is i dont want to go to hell. thats the only thing keeping me here I have a real fear of hell. i dont want to live my whole life in a living hell and then go to real hell too. but i dont thing god likes me i dont know what i did or how to make up for it but i think im going to hell anyway so why wait another 70+ years for it. one my main problemsÂ is financial so it pisses me off when people suggest that i see a doctor. why would i go see a doctor so that they can get paid $80 per hour while my poor ass sits there and talks and when its all said and done my problems are still there only now i have another bill i cant pay. but the doctor’s rich so he did his part right. how the hell is talking to someone gonna solve my problems unless hes going to give me a job and a place to live for me and my kids a doctor cant help me. this letter does’nt even begin to express what i haveÂ been through or how i feel its too much so lets just sayÂ i should be self sufficentÂ by now and i am so far from it i dont even want it anymore.
All i want is to die and if god wont help me I’ll just do it myself. I give up. I’m done.