the clutching curiosity of death is grasping me relentlessly. i wonder the thoughts that would race through my mind as i plummeted towards the pavement, i wonder what people would think when they discovered what happened to me, i wonder what people would think when the found out my true story and how shitty i felt while i was laughing at their jokes.
i will end my life, i will end it, i will, no one else, nothing else. this is me taking control of my life.
okay um, i need a fucking knife, i give up on this dehydration thing. it is taking so long and i keep accidently drinking with my meds and then i go to purge the water and urgh im just tired of life. i want to stab my boyfriend but i cant cause he is grounded because he went clubbing with a girl who is hard core crushing on him, she is bombing his ask, and why cant he see how much he is hurting me. i wish i could just tell him that i hadnt selfharmed in almost 2 months before we started dating, and […]
i live for these moments.
the ones im sitting in the little nook of my room, listening to my favorite song, sipping peppermint tea, and blogging. the moments when im at the perfect temperature with a flannel blanket wrapped around me, and my cat pacing indecisively across my lap and all i can think of is you.
her fingers itched
the desire pulsed threw them, as if blood seiced to exist and lust was all there was left
maybe that’s why she felt so numb, so dead
she reached out to clutch the icey blade of the knife her mother had used only an hour earlier
as she held her weapon in hand she felt the adrenalin rushing through her viens, soon she would be gone, her memories and sadness and heart ache along
this is what she had wished for for so long
and yet, there was something stopping her
she pushed the unsettling feeling aside,
she slid the sharp surface arcoss her left wrist in one swift motion, […]
i laughed during a moment of silence in school for rememberance day. then my boyfriend started laughing and we got in a ton of trouble. one teacher spoke to me about how disrespectful and disgusting my act was, i spoke to him about how disrespectful and disgusting it was that he cheats on his wife daily, he did not appreciate that “act” either.
this may seem really weird, but im actually really excited to die. im counting down the seconds until i will have gone 10 days with out food or water. the only thing that i am kind of feeling iffy about is the fact that im goin to die fat. that really pisses me off big time. i dont know why, but i just really really want to die, it has become a lust, a desire, and an obsession.
my head is pounding, my vision is blurring, and my thoughts are skewed, i am on hour 20 of my fast, boycotting water and food. i read that old people restrict themselves of food and water, as a way of suicide, and the process often lasts around 5-10 days, so i guess that is how long i have left. i am grateful for this kind of suicide because my family and friends might not be aware that my death was volentary, hopefully the will see it as a crude accident, and feel no responsibility. fingers crossed.
a girl i know who started dating my last boyfriend whilst we were still dating, has begun flirting with my current boyfriend. i feel like she is trying to make me kill myself. she is like going on his ask and sending him kissy faces and she stole his jacket, and urgh. she knows all the shit that i go through and she knows i self harm, and she continues to make my life hell. urgh and i feel like a nasty jealous girlfriend, and i trust him kind of but i dont know im just so pissed of, good thing im going to die […]
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