idontevenknow2

last friday i made up a plan. i knew what i would do, and how. but before i would attempt it, i really wanted to think it through. somehow i stumbled across a video on youtube, which got me thinking. so i decided, that i would either go through with my plan, or really, really try to start living. make some things better. i went with the second option. i decided to wake up the next morning and try to live day by day. so thats what i have been trying to do lately. taking small steps at a time. but then today, i was […]

It’s getting bad. Really bad. I don’t know what to do. I try to distract myself, but I just can’t get myself to read, or to even just watch a series. I want to do something. End it. Do something stupid. Stop existing. Disappear. Someone help

Two weeks in taking prozac, and honestly, I started taking it cause I really do want to get better. I don’t want to feel like shit anymore, I want to change things. I want to read, paint, run. And I try to, but I am so damn tired all the time. It feels like my energy is gone. The meds won’t help. Every day I come home from school I just want to sleep. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I just feel so numb. I can’t be happy, I can’t be sad. It’s just  fucked up. I really want to get better. I […]

Anyone else taking prozac? Has it helped? I am in my second week taking it, and I really don’t know how I feel about it. Everything’s just numb

What do you think dreams about suicide and suicidal thoughts mean?

I came to some conclusions just about now. I guess it’s just the old usual ones. Worthless, ugly, all of my friends should leave me, abandon me. I don’t deserve them, they are too good for me. I should just be left alone lmao. I also really want to self harm, really fucking bad. It’s been so long ago, I miss the touch, the feeling and tbh the pain. But I am scared people will notice and question it, and then like idk leave me, but honestly maybe that would be an easier way. I just want to do something to myself

I can’t and don’t understand why people would give me compliments. It’s just stupid, cause I know they are not true. And I am not saying this in the “omg like ahahh i can’t understand it ahhah” kinda way. I literally can’t. Why would people think that about me? That I am kind? Or look good? Or whatever? My mind can’t understand it and doesn’t either. It just doesn’t work out. And the thing is that I really want to be able to accept compliments and you know idk but like try to work on my self image, but I am just stuck, cause I […]

Yesterday I saw a movie with some friends, and then later on we decided to go to a park, because some of our friends was gonna go there and hang out. On our way, we met two guys. I recognized one of them from a party that was back in June. We started talking to them and this one guy I recognized, started talking about parties, and specifically about this ”sick” one where a girl tried to stab herself. Lmao, you see where this is turning right? This girl was me. So anyway, this guy recognized me, and afterwards, I tried to drag him aside and told him, […]

It feels like I am just using people. They listen to me, to my problems and kinda help me, as much as they can at least, but I never get the chance to give it back to them. Do you guys feel like that? What should I do?

I fucked up last night. Slept at the hospital. Now nobody trusts me. I can’t talk to anyone. I need to be fake and lie all the time cause otherwise they would just freak out. I tried to be real last night. Talked to one of my friends, and he called the emergency car. I am afraid of being real with my therapist as well, what if they take me to a mental hospital or something. I am so scared of that place. I am just so tired and messed up. Thought I hit rock bottom before summer, but it’s worse now. Ah also, fun fact, […]

Whenever I think that I am getting a little bit, just a little bit better. I am not. I can literally start to cry, for no fucking reason, and never stop. I don’t understand myself, I really don’t. For example, this morning. I woke up and felt kinda okay. I didn’t have any bad thoughts, so I checked my phone, you know social media. And then this person on sc wrote to me, doesn’t matter about what, but I tried to help him last night, and give him some positive energy or whatever, bc a kinda bad thing happened to him, and he answered somewhat rude. […]

I wonder, if a person can ever recover from depression. Recover, fully. And by “fully” I mean feel real happiness again. Be passionate about something again. Care about things, hobbys and human beings again. Recover, so that you would never ever want to hurt- or underestimate yourself again. Just truly love yourself.

Is that a possibility?

These past days I have been feeling so worthless, ugly, and not enough, for anyone or anything. I hate everything about myself. Eveything. My face, my thighs, my feelings, my appearance. Myself. I just want to destroy everything that is me. I am so so lost. But hey, I’ve learned how to hide all this, simply because of the reason that I don’t want anyone to find out that I am so fucking insecure. And meaningsless, a waste, miserable, unimportant, useless and valueless. The sad part about all this is that I would do anything. Anything. For some acknowledgement or confirmation from a guy, or […]

So last night I was at this party. I drank too much, pretended I was happy, danced and had a great time, but then things got worst, just like any other night. I got desperate, I needed to find a knife. I looked everywhere, and when I finally found one in the kitchen my best friend started following me, and tried to stop me. She then eventually needed to leave, so I went in to the bathroom alone and found a pair of scissors, and right when I was about to do it, a person knocked on the door. I needed to be alone, just for one second […]

Hey guys, I think I am depressed. I really haven’t been feeling well lately. But at the same time, I don’t know if it’s my brain that is trying to come up with something, you know, just to feel ”special”. And, I am afraid of going to a psychologist. I want to be able to solve this problem by myself, as I always have done, and I also don’t want my family involved in this mess.