indifference

I have fucking had it.

I have ruined all my friendships and now I have no one. I am fucking sick of giving everyone my everything and them throwing it back in my face. Everyone would be better off if I wasn’t even here anymore. Fuck everything. All I want to be is dead.

I am so, so lost. I don’t know who to trust. I can’t get this thought out of my head “fast and quickly” and it reminds me of cutting my wrists. I feel like I’m on edge all the time, but I can’t tell anyone. Who am I supposed to tell? No one cares about me anymore.

Today I came clean to one of my counselors. I told her that the suicidal thoughts are back, and I got to spend three periods in the sick bay listening to my music and the other three doing class. I didn’t let her call home. I can’t go through that again.

Turns out one of my best friends bitches about me behind my back, great… she probably only speaks to me for gossip anyway. I’m feeling like everyone is sick of hearing from me, sick of trying to solve my life. I’m feeling like everyone would be better off without me. Because they would be.

I can’t do anything right.

All I want to do is die. The other day I went searching for pills or anything that would be useful to me in the future and I am too scared to admit this to anyone. I’m too scared to tell them that all I think about is death, and slitting my wrists when no one is around. Sometimes I try to remember when I got each scar. The deepest one is from the Thursday before I attempted suicide. It was the day I cut my hair, too. I went to school crying, unable to tell my friends why. What was […]

I don’t want to change my hair colour. I don’t even know why I’m dyeing it…

I naturally have red hair, but not that orange red, more an auburn colour. I like it.

Today I told my friends over breakfast that I’ve gone back into depression. I wanted to tell them that suicide was on my mind. I couldn’t.

I have so much homework to do, I can’t even bring myself to do it, you know? It sounds pathetic, but I can’t. I used to be really good at school, and now I can’t even succeed at what I do best. Plus, I’m quitting netball. I loved netball […]

Try again?

I wish.

I want so badly to.

But, too many people know now, and they would stop me before I could. I’m probably just waiting for my moment. If it will ever come again.

Maybe I’ll do something with my hair, I’ll dye it. I should probably go on a diet too. Maybe then he’ll consider even looking at me.

There’s a reason I hate spending time with you. And I am never, ever going to give up my friends for you.

You’re a crap sister and you mean nothing to me compared to my friends.

My counselor told me to make plans with my friends so my life didn’t always revolve around my sister. Cool, the first weekend I try to do that, my sister gets all pissed off at me and is forcing me to do something with her. I really like controlling my own life. Fuck you.

I just need someone to talk to. And I still wish it was him. I just need someone […]

My teacher said this today: “If you’re having a down day you can’t just wish to be seven again, you can’t wish it all away. You have to learn to adapt”

It made me think “*****.”

One of my best friends is the one who is helping me get through this the most. I don’t care about disappointing him because he doesn’t judge me. I started cutting my wrists again, I tried so hard to stop. I told him. Except, sometimes I get the vibe that he doesn’t care, and that he thinks just because I’m seeing counselors I’ll be okay. But I’m not. And I need him. I don’t know how to tell him without him feeling pressured.

I really want to talk to this guy, I like him so much. My friends think he likes me too. I just want […]

I want to kill myself.

I want to again.

It didn’t work last time.. how do I know it will ever work?

No one understands why. I even confuse myself.

I want you to like me.

And I want you to notice me.

And I want you, of all people, to know how much you screwed with my life. I want you to know what you left me in, that you left me with suicide on my mind.

But you’ll never like me, and you’ll never notice me, and you, of all people, will never find out.