my girlfriend and i decided a while ago to have a kid and eventually got pregnant. everything was fine until lately, when she got to the eighth month. she is now starting the ninth. see, both me and her suffer from mental illnesses, and in her case, she felt as if the embryo was protecting her, and so her illness disappeared, even if for a while. knowing she is gonna deliver soon, her illness is back. it was enough when both of us dealt with our difficulties before, but with a baby on our hands, that seems almost impossible. at least, that’s how things look […]
cried this morning for the first time in almost a year. felt nice and weird. i hope i’ll get to cry sooner than that next time..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbgdCzGfFt4
today we finished bringing all of my stuff back to my old room where i grew up, in my parents’ house. for two years i tried escaping this place, and six months ago i succeeded. then depression took hold of me once again, and now i’m back here. crushed between these four walls i’m hurt. i can’t handle the bureaucracy ending the contract of my old place. i am tired. i am broken. it feels like the world is slipping through my fingers. i need a quiet place to put my head for a while and forget about everything, and the old house isn’t […]
as the days go by i feel smaller and smaller and suicide seems more appealing. every day i feel like dying and every night i die, in a way. the only thing that keeps me hanging is my poetry. nothing else. not my girlfriend, not my soon-to-be-born baby boy, nor my friends and family. i feel like i got nowhere to go, i’m trapped inside this hellish reality and i don’t have the mental strength to break through it. i would’ve probably kill myself if my poetry was already published, but it’s not. hence i won’t kill myself. not until my words will light the […]
I can barely name these bizarre emotions I get. You could call it numbness mixed with lifted awareness. Like I’m not really here, but somewhere else. It happens to me quite often, these “detachments”. When these occur, my memory tend to get worse. I can’t remember what happened when, and I get confused easily.
I feel like I’m riding this crazy train of thoughts that will eventually take me to hell. Oh I think about many different things, not all are bad, but I get lost in the montage of feelings. I know how to make this stop. Sleeping usually does the trick. But temporary stopping […]
Everyone just throw to the fire things that make you feel bad. I’ll start:
helplessness
loneliness
greediness
ignorance
bad music
…
It’s been some time since I last was here. Sometimes I just disappear for a while without telling anyone. Like a rabbit down in the rabbit hole. It’s comfortable, disappearing at once, for an unknown period of time. People don’t like me doing that, but sometimes I need that air I can only breathe underground, here and now.
recently we’ve broken up, after a long period of time together, through good times and bad. when we’ve met, i was happier. even though we met at the hospital, both dealing with our mental illnesses. i can’t point on the timeline when things got really bad. i’ve grown to drink frequently at some point. i thought it would help me escape my feelings, and, well, it did. but i thought, until recently, that it was just that. well, no.
i think i was seeking attention, love. she told me, since the beginning, she has a problem of showing love. i thought that by doing crazy shit […]
It’s after midnight and depression took over. I’m sitting in my room with some candles burning and doom metal playing in the background, writing this. I feel alone. Isolated. There is no one to talk to right now. It’s just me versus me. God, it is so tempting to die right now.
Well, they wanted to throw me into the bin. Can’t blame ’em. I think it’s in the psycho protocol that when a patient tells you he’s gonna do this three days from now, you’ve got to report him. Of course, I was talking bullshit. I know nothing will happen on Wednesday. It will be like any other day, at least, on the surface. No one in my house will overdose on pinkies on Wednesday. Only on fucking blues.
I posted about an hour ago a post named something like “maybe we already are living in the afterlife and got doomed to hell” and it got deleted. There was nothing in the content. Anybody know why it got deleted?
I know you know that there are no victors in a war, because I know that, and we are us. Let’s raise the white flag together, on 3. Aren’t you tired of fighting? Am I that stubborn? Are we cool?
Many soldiers died on this ground, from both sides. I’m done. There. Helmet’s off. You see my hair. Golden-brown. Ain’t it pretty?
Show me your face. I’ve always wondered how you look like behind that war paint.
Let’s put our guns down.
Let’s hug it out.
I feel you. Do you feel me?
Do you feel the pain? Does it feels familiar?
Does the knife running […]
I bathed in melancholy as I listened to this piece. It made me want to kill myself, immediately. It brought up so many hurt and despair in me I couldn’t bare. I left home. Well, not before I synced it into my music player. I went to my secret place, a small piece of nature surrounded by the big houses of my neighborhood. It was afternoon and the sun was nice on me. Everything was nice, because when you have cancer even the dickheads from the office can manage to swallow their jokes. I called my psychologist. She didn’t answer. I sat down by a […]
I posted this question long ago and eventually deleted it.
So, what is the last song you’re planning to listen to before you die? Or, if you have a playlist feel free to share.
i’m stuck between the floor and the ceiling in my room, surrounded by the ghosts of my past. some say mean things, some are crying and some don’t speak at all. but i can see them. one is standing by the door, blocking my way out. he never speaks. one is lying on the floor dead drunk. one is standing behind me. he split his head so he could whisper to both of my ears.
one is crying in the corner. one is screaming. one is sleeping. one is tearing up my paintings. one is burning up my poems.
none intend to stop.
i go to […]
death,
love me.
first time I saw you was in class. i looked at you from the other side of the room, hoping our eyes will meet. guess you didn’t notice.
second time we bumped into each other in the street. you asked what’s up. i was too overwhelmed to answer.
STUPID! STUPID! i later said to myself.
third time i went to your house and rang the bell. i heard your footsteps and fled. i wasn’t ready.
i often like to think that when you opened the door you caught a glimpse of me with one leg in the woods.
death,
i’m so so scared to […]
A child that has been mentally bullied and raped may fall into depression. Who would’ve thunk that? Well, apparently no one.
My mom was there. I called her to come and help me but she didn’t do anything. Why didn’t you do anything? You could have saved me then and you could have saved me now.
You too, big brother. You’ve been there in your room, ignoring the screaming, turning your music up so you don’t have to do anything.
Dad, you’re excused. You were at the office all day. That’s not the best way to raise a child but you had to make some income, […]
Hey SP friends, just wanted to wish you all a good day (or night, wherever you are).
I don’t do this usually, but I’m feeling a bit better today, and I hope some of you are too.
Got a new antidepressant. Trazodone, starting with 50 mg = one pill.
Feel like reading a book? Forget about it, you’re tired as hell.
Feel like going to sleep? Forget about it, you’ll end up gazing at the ceiling.
Feel like having sex? Forget about it. You can’t come.
Plus migraines, headaches (which are actually mild migraines, I think), I have the need to piss too many times a day. And dizziness, fucking dizziness.
So yeah, professor, I think I am getting well. That’s fucking helping.
Note: I wrote the above out of pure rage and I know that the professor is not to blame. It also may […]