theres nothing left. im not anything anymore. what do i even do. there isnt a me that can get better. there isnt a way that i can. im tired.
so, uh, first of all; I’m not alone with this. that’s nice. thanks antemortem for uh, existing with the same horrible condition as I do.
I’m not sure how to deal with the fact I’ll never be a person. Never going to do anything. Won’t learn anything. barely talk to anyone. never transition. i like to think i would’ve been a good person at being a person. And instead my brain just broke! Wasn’t even traumatized by an event, my brain just did this. This is awesome.
The thoughts continue to get worse.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not going to die. There’s just going to be less of me every day. This is getting to be too much to even distract myself from it. I’m not going to ever be able to kill myself. Everything left inside of me (every last scrap of thoughts and feelings and personhood and egoic cohesion and memory) is eroding and there’s already basically nothing left and I’m just left… incapable of existing in the same space as this truth.
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute […]
Ope! I knew my time here left amongst the living was finite but I didn’t know it’d get this much more agonizing this quickly! You know the familiar beats of how this progresses by now. The thoughts are worse! my brain is less inhabitable than ever! there is less ‘good’ (and by good I mean ‘vaguely distracting’) left in the ‘wow, you call laying motionless and eating once every three days and doing absolutely nothing and talking to completely nobody because of the unbelieving excruciating trauma your brain puts you through all of the time a life?’ that I live!
So what am I to do! […]
(context: i am incredibly mentally ill and my brain swarms with thoughts that arent mine and are actively cognicidal to perceive and its pretty dope tbh)
So, it’s kind of just horrific! idk! There’s only so many ways I can describe it. My brain: isn’t mine! The thoughts: only get worse! What, will comparing my situation to Harlan Ellison make it any better? Will it really? Probably not! And just… Idk.
I don’t have a single reason to be alive; I actively do not want to! It is a putrefying thought to be alive, it’s anathemic to every single piece of myself that it can be, it’s […]
I do not know how not to be alive. At the same time; I am not, in many ways! Emotions and thoughts and feelings and opinions and identity are all eroded like chalk cliffs in front of a roiling coastline and they are hewn to the rotting bone and they are diseased and dying and scraped away entirely. So, I’m kind of a non-person!
But I keep doing a few (very few, as I’ve mentioned I barely move, I eat rarely, I do not engage in any activities, I have not talked to my last two friends in so long) person things. I do a farce […]
I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been made a prisoner of my own brain by something that has ingrained itself deeper than I can tear it out and I cannot stand it anymore! I have barely been able to move besides when absolutely necessary for months because of something that, as people keep telling me and telling me, it’s all in my head! The thought’s, apparently, aren’t real! Not that I didn’t already know that from the onset of this. Ugh.
Something my brain (the parts of my brain are seem to not fit entirely well together anymore; it feels as though there are […]