If you still look at this place, you might want to skip this one. Although to be honest, I doubt you do. Not that you don’t care, you probably just have your own problems without adding on to it. This one isn’t about suicide. This one isn’t about depression. This one isn’t about sadness or anger or any of that. This one is just about how I don’t know. I don’t know what’s in my own head. I don’t know why I do the things I do. Is whatever this feeling is inherently selfish? There has to be a point to where all these excuses I make just stop adding up and I have to admit to myself that I just can’t let it go. That this bizarre obsession I have is just another sickness. I’m not even sad or angry that I have these feelings. I just don’t know why I have them. I mean I go to sleep thinking about her, I wake up thinking about her, I stay up at night thinking about her. Logically when I look at it, none of it should add up. We live hundreds of miles apart, there are periods where she won’t even talk to me, I know relatively little about her, in these past three years I have seen her once in person. My mind plays these little tricks on me. It tires to fill in gaps where there are none. It tries to explain why she does what she does and how she feels what she feels when to be honest it’s just really simple. It’s not that she just doesn’t care or that she hates me or anything. It’s that she has a lot of problems and she needs to focus on herself. And I am just a friend she talks to every now and again. And that’s it. Why do I buy her Christmas gifts? Why do I insist on checking up on her every few days? Why do I insist to be closer and closer to her? Why do I ask her questions about herself and try to learn everything I can about her? Why do I tell her over and over again that I understand and that I’m here for her? Not that any of these things are bad (possibly a bit creepy). I’m asking what my motivations behind it are. Is it simply just because I want to be with her or do I honestly want her to be happy? Am I just a selfish prick to try as hard as I do? To try and insert myself in her life when she just doesn’t have any room? I can’t even tell what’s in my head.
I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. Whenever there is things to be done, I simply go to sleep. It’s easier. It’s easier to close my eyes, put on a podcast and go to sleep. It’s easier to pretend there is nothing wrong and that nothing exists outside of my room. It is easier to wake up, look at the clock, then close my eyes again. It’s easier to write all this stuff down than to do anything about it. It’s simply easier. I need to take my medicine. It won’t take itself. Just because some good things have been happening for the past 2 days does not mean it can’t get worse. I hope everything is going ok. I should really do laundry. I have exactly 50.5 hours before my assignment is due. I have not begun. I’m scared and I know I shouldn’t be. I wonder what it’s like to be normal sometimes. To have it together like all those smiling faces. Oh well.
I just got off the phone with my college’s helpline. For whatever reason I thought It would make me feel better to empty my head. I usually come here for that, but I felt the need to hear a real person speaking back. I wasn’t in any particular distress. I’m actually somewhat calm right now. I have a lot of things to do, and have deadlines coming up for various things, but I spent the whole day sleeping. I just felt like sleeping, so I did. Anyways, for whatever reason I decided to call these people, just to hear someone else. This is the second time I’ve called this particular line, and the third time overall calling a line. Man though, it’s hard to take these people seriously. They have this subdued, breathy voice thing going on. Like they’re trying hard not to upset you, but it just comes off as so weird to me. Like I’m calling a weird sex line and they are trying to have this husky, sultry voice. Anyways, once I got there, I felt little to no need to talk to this guy anymore. Like when I dialed the number, I thought it would make me feel a bit better, but now it just feels creepy. So I hung up after a minute. I wanted to talk about her and how I haven’t heard from her in a bit. I wanted to tell him that I understood why she isn’t responding, but wish she was. It’s not as bad as last time, but I’m curious how long that will last. Last time it was several months of nothing. This time It’s only been a few weeks. However, I want to try and be more understanding this time. I know how hard things are for her, so I just want to be there when she comes back. I hope she comes back. If she doesn’t, then at least I saw her that one last time. I try really hard to remember what it was like to hug her, but I can’t pinpoint the sensation. I just remember holding her tight. I don’t think I’ll be making a habit of calling those lines anymore. Too creepy for my taste. I think I’ll just stick to emptying my skull here.
Chen, if on the off chance you are reading this, you probably want to skip this one. It’s embarrassing for both of us.
I love this song. Recently a friend mentioned how much she loves this series when we went to hang out. She said that the main character has relatable qualities. Anxiety, impostor’s syndrome, social issues. I wanted to feel a bit closer to her, so I decided to watch the anime. I binged it and now I am on the manga. The character is so charming and sweet. It’s hard to watch though. She has such a low opinion of herself. You just want her do do good. You want her to find some sort of happiness. It’s painful to see her have to deal with heartache and sadness. How she lost her mother and how she feels she will never be good enough. It kind of reminds me of my friend. I want her to be happy. It’s hard when I hear about the little tidbits of information she shares. How sad she is sometimes. I don’t think there is anything that I can say to make her realize that she’s amazing. I tell her what a great friend she is and how important she is to me, as embarrassing as it is. I want her to realize that she is a good person and that she does deserve to be happy. There’s a lot she has to go through, and I know she is strong. I know because if I had to deal with a fraction of what she goes through, I would snap like a twig. I just hope one day she realizes how great she is. I mean really really understand. I hope where ever she is, she’s ok.
I don’t think it’s going to go away anymore. This feeling of despair and anxiety has taken root. It will not leave me. For the next two days my college will be having a career fair. I went last year. Over the course of those two days last year, I actually felt confident about my chances. Then it came time to apply and I dragged my feet as usual and only ended up applying to around 3 or 4 of the 9 companies I talked to. None of them offered me an internship. I think the motivation for me to try and get an internship was more for the sake of not going back to my last internship I had. I remember how useless and pathetic I felt when I walked into the office. I felt infinitely tiny compared to all the big things going on. I didn’t want to go back so I needed to go somewhere else. However, now I realize that I will be infinitely small where ever I go. Each one-on-one is five minutes. I’m terrified. Why do I bother trying. I feel like nothing. I am nothing. I think I might throw up again. I did yesterday before I presented. Afterwards it took a few hours before I went back to normal. It’s very strange. In those times of peace, the feeling of fear seems so far away. In those times of anxiety and fear, the feeling of peace seems so far away. I hope I die soon. My mind just isn’t good for it.
I can feel it in the back of my throat. I’m going to throw up. I need to face the consequences. I present today and I need to face it. I can’t run. I’ll probably throw up soon. I called a suicide hotline yesterday. Never done that before. While I was getting connected, they played a jingle. I thought how odd it would be for someone holding a gun to their head or on the top floor of a parking garage to hear. She sounded for mechanical and subdued. To be fair to her, I imagine they need to find a balance. Be too “friendly” and you might come off as fake and upset the caller. Don’t talk at all and you upset the caller. I mean how do you talk to someone who desperately wants to end their life? I guess the fact that you volunteer says enough. Either way, I didn’t feel all that better after. It’s fine I guess. I just needed to hear someone, which I got.
My head still hurts a little. Whenever I get to that really panicked state of trying to find any possible way out, there’s a certain quality to the panicked head space that I didn’t feel this time around. It’s my thoughts begging me to finally be brave enough and just make this one last decision so I don’t have to make anymore. They are erratic and scared and loud and have this certain panicked feeling to them. I can’t really describe it, but it’s basically me trying to push myself as if I was someone else. Like I’m trying to do this one hard motion or push or something to finally jump. The thing is with this time around, I felt a certain despair or emptiness or calmness as well. Like the fact that I knew that I’ve been here too many times and know that I won’t do it. Like a sort of pitiful resentment about the fact that I’m here again. So instead of the erratic feeling I usually have, I have this emptiness instead. I hate myself so much. I hate how I can’t just be like my peers and excel. How I can’t just put in the effort like everyone else and not be scared. I’m scared that I won’t be anything. That I am nothing. That I am nobody. I think back at things that I accomplished or done and I can’t remember any sort of pride. I can’t ever remember feeling any sort of accomplishment. I can’t remember feeling any sort of happiness about what I’ve done. I can only feel shame and embarrassment and think that I should be better. That I can be better. That I won’t be better. That I’m incapable of being anything. I got in the shower to clean myself up I started to laugh. I couldn’t stop for a solid minute. It felt hollow and unreal, but for some reason I couldn’t stop. Like what I was laughing at wasn’t genuinely funny but I couldn’t help but laugh. I am a quitter and a nobody and a failure. I need to write this down so that I feel well.
I screwed up again. Just put it on the pile of all the other fuck ups. Also fuck Spanish. I should have said I have no interest. I should have done a lot of things. I have no idea how I could be such a fuck up when things aren’t even going on right now.
I’m starting to take my medicine more consistently now. I think before this it’s been a month or so that I’ve been off it. Right at this moment I feel oddly nervous. I have a thing I need to do for this project coming up but no real progress right now. I don’t really know what to do. Even besides that I just feel this odd sense of limbo. Like I’ve been stuck in place for too long and I haven’t done anything about it. My therapist told me to write a list so that I know what I need to do each day. I haven’t even attempted doing that. I’ve just never been a list guy. Maybe that’s why I’m so nervous. She’s going to be disappointed. I have another meeting this Thursday. Overall I don’t know how well this is going. I think one of the things that kind of bugged me is that when I explained the existentialist questions I often have, she just told me not to think about it. That’s what everyone says, but how is that an answer? I didn’t expect her to solve it, but telling me not to think about it is probably a shitty answer. I would have been perfectly fine with her saying “I don’t know?” and leave it at that, but being told to not think about it kind of pisses me off. I don’t know. It’s her birthday next month. I already asked her what she would like for a present, but she simply said she would just like to get tea with me. I still want to get her something. She’s been real hard to get in contact with lately. She says it is difficult for her right now, but I’d still like to hear her voice.
I’ve been told that I should meet new people. A lot of people have said that. I don’t really know how to do that though. This is in regards to her not answering again. She never answers. At least it feels that way. I’ve made way too many posts about it. I’m tired of making them. So I’ll focus on the fact that I have no idea how to make new friends. You feel like that’s something a person should have mastered at when they were just a kid. Or at least learned some skills around it. Can’t say I’ve learned a damn thing. Tried a lot of different things but they never really stick. Can’t say that I’m not to blame. I’ve flaked out on people before. So I guess I get what I deserve. There’s a lot going on right now. A whole lot. Pandemic, protests, brutalities. It’s a whole lot of chaos. I don’t know if anyone knows what’s going on. There’s too much information to properly sort through it all. I am curious though on what will happen next. You know there’s been a lot of tension these past few years. It seems like the divide between people have gotten wider and wider. Sometimes I wonder if it’s always been like that and I was just too young and too dumb to notice. Was there ever a point where people saw eye to eye? Not necessarily on everything, but just on the basics. Be kind, don’t hurt people, etc. It really is falling apart huh. Not just for us but for everyone.
I went back and forth on whether or not to write this down. I was leaning towards no because I didn’t see any point in it. I didn’t think it would make me feel better, so why bother. I don’t know. I guess because I have no where else to go with this. It’s been three weeks at this point. From the point where I said I’d give up. From the point when I said I’d give her space. At this point it just kind of tracks the time on its own. I thought about calling her yesterday. I flipped a coin because of my indecisiveness. It landed on heads so I said I’d call her today. I gave one text and then one call. Silence as usual. It brought me back to feeling worthless again. It brought me back to the headspace of worrying and hoping and begging. It just hurt again. The funny thing is I didn’t want to call. I wanted to just keep going and stop thinking about it. It just made me think I was going to hurt again. And I was right. I’m starting to forget what it felt like to talk to her. That warm happy feeling it gave me. It’s starting to dull a bit. What it felt like to feel like she cared. All I can remember now is the constant anxiety and feeling of dread when we weren’t talking. That’s the only thing that seems clear. That’s what I was afraid of. Forgetting the happy parts of it. That’s one of the parts that hurts the most. Just the forgetting parts. It feels like torture. I just wish it would end. I just wanted a goodbye.
I’m as tired as you are probably. I still think about her. It’s kind of tiring at this point. I still think about calling her and look if she’s on discord from time to time. Sometimes I wish she would just block my number or remove me as a friend on discord. At least that would get the message across. The fact that she hasn’t done that yet though gives me a little hope that maybe will talk again. I don’t know. Her birthday is in two months. Last year I got her present late, so I couldn’t help myself and have started looking early. We didn’t get to see each other last summer, but since we are both back home (I think, she might have found an internship or be living with her aunt this summer. I don’t know) I was hoping that I could spend her birthday with her. I was thinking of just spending the day with her doing what she wants to do. I know she likes to bake, so maybe I could take her to a bookstore to look at some cook books or something. I don’t know. Maybe a movie if she’d like to. Or maybe we could just hang out in a park or something. This stuff is really killing me. The thing is if she wanted to talk to me, she would have done it already. Or maybe not. Maybe she’s still in a bad place now or she’s too embarrassed about the whole thing. That’s the thing that really kills me. I just want closure. Even if she tells me she hates and never wants to hear anything from me ever again, at least I know. I don’t know anything. I’m tired.
I thought about this today, but my reasons for being depressed and why I feel the way I feel have changed over time. I remember when I was in elementary school and I first really thought of the concept of death. I mean I understood what death was, but when I first actually thought about what that meant it terrified me. I scared me to think of all the things that made me happy weren’t permanent and can be gone with minimal effort. It doesn’t take a whole lot to die. You can get in a car accident, get sick, or simply trip over your own two feet and break your neck. People are extremely fragile. Thinking that my mom or my brother or I could just die and that would be that scared me. It scared me to think that I could die before I ever get to experience anything. It also made me extremely religious to a scary degree. I remember pleading with god begging him to let me live one more day, every day. It was kind of sad and I don’t want to think about it too much. Then there was a shift somewhere along the way. Somewhere along the line I stopped being afraid of that stuff. Then I started to look around and think to myself that there was no point to any of it. That life had no real meaning to it. People just kind of grow up and work and then the lie down and die. It seemed so monotonous. It also disturbed me that there was no concrete point to any of it. Even the routine of working and then dying wouldn’t be that bad if there was a solid end to it. Some end goal that all people work towards. But it didn’t seem like there was any and that the routine was just done for the routine’s sake. It also bothered me that there were many different belief systems, religious and not religious, that claimed they knew that they knew the “real” reason for everything. That they knew of some end goal that everyone should work towards. The thing is none of them could prove it. Then, like before, I grew to accept that there is no concrete point to it all. I kind of just took it that a person needs to find their own point to it and that there won’t be any right answer to why we are here. I just was ok with that fact, even though I know that reasoning is sort of a cop out. Now I’m afraid of finding no point. I’m afraid of not finding any purpose for myself and that I’m useless and have no meaning as a person. I fear failing not necessarily me, but anyone around me. I’m afraid of not being of use to anyone. I think when I started to reconnect with her and started feeling those feelings again, I thought that maybe if I could find my purpose and happiness in a relationship that I could be ok with being useless in career sense. That I could simply be happy with finding happiness in another person and them finding happiness with me. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a person and frankly unfair to them. To tie any sense of worth and meaning to another person puts that unneeded weight on them. It’s kind of sad really and that’s not what a relationship should be. Or at least I think. How would I know, I’ve never been in a relationship. Now I ping pong from finding no point and not bothering with anything to being constantly worried about being a failure. Sometimes I feel that since I find no meaning, that I should just die since I didn’t find one. That if it’s ok to interpret your own purpose then it should be ok to interpret you own lack of purpose and just be ok with resigning yourself to death. Not necessarily out of sadness but simply saying “Yeah this whole life thing just isn’t for me, so I guess I’ll make my exit now. ”
I’m pulling myself in two different directions. I can barely just stop myself. I almost did it. I flipped a coin to decide. It stopped me. I’m just writing to keep myself from being rash. It helps to put my words on screen so that I calm down a little. I can feel myself releasing the tension. I don’t really feel like doing it now. I stopped myself for now. How long until I stop for good? I don’t know. I’m really stubborn.
I know they’re bullshit, but I can’t help but be fascinated by them. I mentioned before that I have a way of asking questions when flipping a coin. A simple yes/no test to answer my question. I know that it’s a coin and flipping it doesn’t actually answer anything, but I do it anyways. Tarot is a long winded form of this. You pick cards that apparently have some deeper meaning that you picked it and then you think “real hard” about something when you pick one, and apparently that means something. I do that tarot readings from a free website I found which makes it even more bullshit. It’s an algorithm designed to give you vague copy paste answers when you get a specific combination of cards that are “randomly” generated. Yet for some reason I can’t help but be fascinated by the whole thing. I know that the answers are vague enough that it can be applied to what anyone is going through at anytime, but specific enough that it makes you feel like there is really something to it. There is a yes/no test on the site I found and I’ve asked it a bunch of questions. “Will I ever hear from her again, will I ever become a competent engineer, do I deserve to die because I’m useless, etc.” Ever time I get the answer and the explanation, it’s always oddly related to what I asked. I know that’s how the copy paste descriptions are suppose to work, but it’s still odd. I once asked “Is tarot reading bullshit.” and it answered yes. I guess that’s what you would expect.
I had my second therapy session yesterday. Still feeling a bit strange about it. Don’t know how it’s going to turn out. My main reason for doing all this is to try and improve myself in regards to my fear of failure. To be ok with trying things and failing and stop passing up opportunities because I feel like I’m not good enough. The thing is, is there even a way to do that besides just forcing yourself. She told me that no matter how much she wants me to go for things, no matter how much my family wants me to go for things, nothing will change unless I want it. That makes sense. However, this isn’t something I didn’t know. I’ve always known this. In fact I spend every waking moment thinking about this sort of thing. I’m always in my own head. I know that things won’t change unless I change them, but I don’t know if I have the strength to change them. That I’m too lazy or unmotivated to change things. I don’t know if I can change. That I’m just fundamentally like this. Another notable thing that happened is that I felt like talking about how I feel about that sort of thing. How I don’t deserve to alive because that I’ll never amount to anything. I explained to her the “tool” analogy that I think about a lot. That if a tool becomes broken or useless, you simply throw it away. That a person is nothing more than a tool to be used, and if they don’t work then they are nothing. I started to cry. Not ugly cry, but slowly and softly. I wasn’t able to speak properly and felt like staying quiet. I don’t know why I cried. Usually the thought doesn’t make me cry, but just talking about it to someone else brought me to tears for some reason. I don’t know why. It was just strange.
I am in the process of applying for summer jobs. So far I haven’t applied to many, and I even lost an opportunity because they wanted me to give my social security number over the phone, which I wasn’t comfortable doing. Overall I’m not picky. I’ll do anything. I applied to U-Haul, a chicken place, a computer repair apprentice, a machinist. I’ll do anything for some cash. Honestly though, being a machinist wouldn’t be that bad. $10 an hour and I get to learn more about a trade that’s always interested me. It even has some overlap with the stuff I’m learning at my university. It would be pretty cool to get it. But like I said, a job is a job and I ain’t picky. While applying for U-haul it asked if I had an Linked-in I could give. I needed to visit my profile to get that link to give them. However, when I tried to sign in it tried to make me link my email and phone number and all this other stuff. Then it made me try to pick connections to people I may know. It was a whole list of people. Some of which I knew, other I didn’t. Some of them where people from high-school and middle school. People I didn’t want to think about. People who have internships and go to Ivy league school and are going places. People who are amounting to something and accomplishing things I could never dream of doing. People I used to talk to and be in the same math class as and tried to compete on tests with. One of them was my middle school crush. She goes to Harvard now, probably on a scholarship. She was the smartest girl I knew and pretty damn beautiful from what I remember. Even in 8th grade she was a billion years out of my league. When I finally felt ready to tell her my feelings, she was going through a rough time. She wasn’t in school for the last few weeks of school and I later figured out it was because her dad passed away from a heart condition. I am the king of perfect timing. I remember that it was after school and told her I wanted to tell her something, but she said she didn’t want to hear it. At the time I figured she was on to me and wanted nothing to do with me. In hindsight she was probably feeling horrible over her dad’s condition and didn’t need some dumbass telling her he “liked” her. Now she probably has dudes lined out the door who want to be her boyfriend. All of them are probably prospective doctors or lawyers. Hell she’ll probably end up being a congresswoman or a researcher working on the cure for cancer. It’s crazy to think about. Well she probably worked fucking hard for it. The world needs people like that. Hopefully I see her on the news as some big hotshot in the future. Oh well. I could’ve gone without seeing all those people today.
It’s rather strange to think about how short yet dense a lifespan is. Relatively speaking, people don’t live that long. It seems like a while, but in reality life is less than a blip in the grand scheme of things. The thing is, it’s oddly dense though. A lot happens in those years. So much happens that it feels like it’s been a long time to us. It’s weird to think that sonething that was important to you a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, a decade ago means absolutely nothing yo you now. I vaguely remeber what it was like to think the world of my middle school crush. At the time she was the smartest, most intersting, most beautiful girl in the world. Now when I think about her, she’s just a name. I feel nothing. When I try to picture her face, her voice, how she acted it’s all fuzzy. It’s odd. I thought that’s how it was going to turn out for a particular person. I thought once I graduated high school and spent some time in college, she would just fade away into being a memory too. Yet somehow she persisted in the back of my head. Granted I wouldn’t think about her constantly, but every now and then I’d somehow mistake a girl on the bus for her. Or i’d be walking on campus and I’d something would make think of her. So when we reconnected last year, I had a strong urge to try and stay connected. I didn’t want her to fade away in my head. So that’s why I tried so hard. However at the time I also felt uneasy. Like I had a feeling it would end up bad. I didn’t care though, and I still tried to remain friends. Now she’s gone and I don’t know if it’s for good. So I’m curious. Will she just be another faded memory down the line. 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? Will I still mistake a woman on the bus for her? I don’t know.
I gave up already. That’s what I said. But I can’t help but want to try and talk to her. I haven’t, but the thought is still there. The hardest part about our friendship was that I always felt like she wasn’t telling me the truth 100%. Like when I would ask her “Are you bothered when I call a lot?”, she would always say “No, it doesn’t bother me.”. But I always felt like she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, so she wouldn’t be straight with me. I remember one time asking “Are you annoyed by me?”. Her answer was no, but something stuck out to me. She said if someone annoys her, she simply ignores them. So was she not telling the truth when she said I don’t annoy her and that’s why I haven’t heard from her in two months? Or is she really going through a hard time now and me doubting her makes me an asshole? Is it all in my head and has she told me 100% the truth this whole time? Another reason why I feel like reaching out for the thousandth time, is that she has the personality where she’ll feel guilty about this whole thing and not respond because of it. When she messaged me out of the blue a year ago she said “I’m sorry for coming back”, like it was annoying for me. Of course I told her not to apologize and that I love hearing from her, but it made me a little sad that she felt the need to apologize. So in my mind, I can’t shake the feeling that she’s not responding because she’s embarrassed about ghosting me. I feel like I need to remind her that I’m still here for her no matter what. But I’ve said that a thousand times. Surely she knows by now and maybe that isn’t the reason she never responded. Maybe she really just doesn’t care about me anymore. Maybe she wants nothing to do with me. Maybe I pushed her away with the constant texts and calls. I don’t know. I just hope she gets better.
Whenever I find myself uncertain about something I flip a coin. It can be about anything. Should I go ahead and say something, should I go get something to eat, should I study now or later etc.. However I don’t just flip coins to make a decision. I also flip coins when something is out of my control. Will I pass this test, am I going to make it through the week, will I ever hear from her again etc. I don’t really believe in a higher power nor do I not believe in one. I’m indifferent to the idea of one. So when I flip a coin in those situation, I know there really isn’t anything to it. It’s a coin. Flipping it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know why I do it, it’s just a quirk I have. So yesterday I flipped it asking, “Is everything going to be ok? Will all my school stuff turn out alright, will the therapy actually work, will the whole situation with her have some sort of resolution? Will I be ok with it all?” It landed on yes. I didn’t feel happy nor upset. I just flipped a coin.
I had an inane thought yesterday. I mentioned before that I think that if a person isn’t of some sort of use, there isn’t any point in them living. That if they don’t amount to anything, why are they here? That is a personal belief, and I don’t expect anyone to be held to that standard if they don’t think that way. Sorry if that hurt some people to read. This belief is why I think I have no reason to be alive. I see myself as a useless nothing that is mo use to anyone. So I thought to myself the other day, if I don’t improve myself by my 25th birthday, I should kill myself on the day. As a present to myself. However, if I’m going to do it, might as well make it perfect. I’d get a bullet with the term “H25BD” engraved on it. “Happy 25th Birthday”. Save it for the special occasion. I’d get a pristine rovolver. Real nice and decorative. I’d keep both in absolute spotless condition until the day. I’d get all my ducks in a row for it. Print out a note, set an announcement for the authorities to pick up the body, pick a nice secluded spot in the woods perhaps so my apartment doesn’t get dirty and lower the value for the manager etc. It’s all very over the top and overdramatic. It’s an extermely goofy idea. That’s why it made me laugh.
I saw you post, but couldn’t comment. I remeber you. You’ve been around for a while. I’m sorry you’re hurting.