Is it possible that I choose only to remember the good things? That while looking through our old messages, I’m only remembering the good feelings I would get when talking to her? Maybe those times weren’t as good as I thought they were? Maybe they were just moments that happened, neither good or bad? Maybe she felt nothing when talking to me? We haven’t seen each other in three years. The last thing she ever said to me in person was goodbye. I have a picture of her that I look at, but it’s just a static image. It doesn’t compare to being with the person in real life. All my posts from the past month or so have been about her. It is kinda annoying. Is it possible that I can’t forget about her? Like it’s not my choice, but my body and mind physically refuse to forget about her. That can’t be the case. How would it work that I don’t have control over my own thoughts? But if I did have control, why would I feel anything that I don’t want to? Why would I ever feel sadness or despair or anxiety if I didn’t want to. I often fantasize about lying down with that one person. Being in their arms and them in mine. Burying my face in the crook of their neck. It’s something I’ve wanted for such a long time. And now when I go back to that fantasy lately, that one person is her. Just to be with her and not say a word. It would never work. She doesn’t see me that way. I think the weirdest thing about all this is that I don’t know what she has heard from me and what she has chosen to ignore. I don’t know what’s in her head. I just hope that she’s ok. I don’t know.
Addendum: I felt like writing some more. I just felt like it. I wonder if I was given a proper goodbye I would stop trying. If she properly told me that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore would I stop thinking about her? Or would I keep trying and hoping? Would I keep sending her texts asking if we could still talk. Instead she just vanished. Into thin air. Maybe I would stop, maybe I wouldn’t. All I know is that I wake up thinking about her, I spend my day thinking about her, and I go to sleep thinking about her. It is tiring. Regardless of anything, she already told me she doesn’t feel the same way. Or in her words that she isn’t in a place for a relationship right now. I wish people were honest. That if they told me straight up that they were not interested nor they ever would be, would I change? I’m tired. I feel like doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. I think it might be a combination of it all. The end of the semester, being under lock down, not being able to reach her. All of it is just so draining.