New Years I decided to do something different. Right now I’m back in my college town instead of back home because I needed to work on a school project before the semester started. So I’m by myself in my one bed room apartment. Instead of just drinking by myself as I would, I went out to a bar. Since it’s a college town, there’s a district in town that is essentially 15+ bars lumped together. I went, ordered a burger and a cocktail and left. I didn’t even stay until midnight. I reasoned that I could just feel […]
What would be considered an acceptable reason to kill one’s self. My life is not hard by any means. I was never abused or assaulted. I am in good health. My family is supportive in many ways. I do not go hungry nor am I homeless. I do not have many friends, but still have some. So at what point would it be considered acceptable to kill myself? I am lonely often. I am not satisfied in where my life is going career wise. I don’t feel like I’m anything. Where am I going? […]
I have no rea reason to be posting. I’m not in any sort of trouble or pain or anything like that. Not out of the usual that is. I just don’t have any motivation. I feel nothing. I want nothing. That’s not true. I do want happiness, I just am not sure what that means. I’ve gone through the paces over a thousand times in my head and I never feel like I go anywhere. I always feel like I’m going in circles. What do I want? Why do I want what I want? […]
I told a girl how I felt about her recently. She just said we were friends. I probably should have seen that coming. I’m not quite sure why I thought it would be anything other than that. I’m not sure why I’m writing this down. She knows that I’m on here. I doubt she ever comes around here anymore. I’ve said too many weird things. Sometimes I regret telling her. I’m not sure why I did it in the first place. It was impulsive telling her about this place. I just did it like […]
My family visted me for Thanksgiving. One thing that stuck out to me is a brief conversation on whether or not I waould get married some day. I shruged it off and said if it happens it happens. But this was one of the first times I saw my Mother worried about it. She said she wants ne to put myself out there and find a “companion”. Usually she never seemed bothered or interested in the fact I was alone. I played it off like I didn’t care, but obviously this is one of the things that keeps me […]
I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to want. I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t know why I should be alive. I am 22. I am going to University for engineering. I am working on my senior project. I’m not particularly good at it. I don’t really know what I’m doing. The only really good thing I know to do is get people who knows what they are doing. That’s honestly the only thing that I’m good at. Bullshitting. I don’t know where am I going. I am applying for […]
It’s kind of boring talking about it over and over and over again. About being alone and not being able to make any sort of meaningful connection with others. I’m bored talking about it. I’m bored thinking about it. It’s boring. Being alone and being with others doesn’t really matter. It’s pointless to think about or worry. Who cares? People aren’t interesting. Listening to them isn’t interesting. Talking to them isn’t interesting. Hearing whatever inane thoughts they think and telling them about my inane thoughts is pointless. Why should I care? About […]
Fall is here again. I’ve said it before, but this season along with winter always feels like everything is dead. It feels like everything around you is decaying and frozen over. I can’t say that I’m a fan of spring or summer either, but there’s something even worse about the fall. My senior project isn’t going well. It just started and I already feel like there’s no control. I’m the project manager and I have no idea why I agreed to that. This failure will be on me like always. I haven’t talked to my friend in […]
This past Thursday was my first session with my new counselor. She must be the sixth counselor I’ve had in my life. I’ve always gone off and on and off and on therapy for god knows how long. The reason changing over time. But it always ended the same. I never felt like it was worth it. But I don’t think I ever really tried. This time I might as well give it a shot. Overall it was a productive first session. I was able to communicate well throughout and she gave me some stuff to […]
I am 1/3 through. If this was a marathon, I would be limping. My chest hurts, most of the time my stomach hurts, and my sleep is inconsistent. The medication’s side effects are taking their toll. They make me nauseous, which doesn’t help my anxiety. My anxiety already makes me want to throw up. The sleep problem happened before I started taking my medication, but I think it’s also screwing it up. I just started taking the full dosage this past friday. My doctor told me to talk only half the first week due to being off […]
I’m on my lunch break. I can feel myself breaking down little by little. My job is simple. Really really really simple. But for some reason it’s hard for me. I’m broken. My stomach hurts. I can’t eat. I think my medicine is also making me drowsy. Nothing is right. I can’t do this. I’m broken and I can’t do this. 9 hours of hell 5 days a week. I can’t make it. I just don’t know what to do.
I had off today for Memorial Day. It was nice to have a 3 day weekend before having to put my head under the water again this week. That’s what this job feels like. Holding your breath under water. And those little moments when I’m not at work is like coming up for air and gasping only to have my head pushed under again. I just need to make it to August. I keep saying that, but you know. I finally got my medication again. Since I’ve been off these medication for a long time I was […]
I’m finding out that I can’t really speak when I want to. I am fortunate to have decent parents. They are not perfect by any means, and when it come to my problems, they have stumbled in areas. But at the end of the day I know they care. So I thought about trying to talk about my problems a bit. Nothing too in detail. Just that I really need this medication and therapy or I might not make it through the summer without some sort of small breakdown. But I couldn’t even say that. I couldn’t say […]
I don’t even really know what to say anymore. I went into work this morning thinking “You got through the day last Monday, you can get through today. You got through last week, you can get through this week” Today felt longer than any day last week. In the morning I knew I had a task and I did it, but I felt like I screwed it up as usual. I just don’t have any confidence in anything I do. When they ask a question, I panic and have no idea if what I’m saying is right. I […]
You can’t really have both at once. When you are depressed nothing matters to you and everything is pointless. When you are anxious everything matters and it’s all so big and important. Yesterday wasn’t so bad at work. In the morning I felt horrible anxious and I felt like talking to anyone was this big ordeal. Whenever the managers were talking and saying “Well he saw this” or “He said such and such” and pointed at me when talking about the results I found from the task they asked me to do, I felt awful. I thought “why is […]
I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack. I have exactly 11 hours and 23 minutes until I need to be at my job. It shouldn’t be this hard for a regular person. It should be fine. But I am broken. I am not well. I’m thinking about trying therapy again. I’ve been in and out of therapy god knows how many times. It doesn’t work. Because I don’t put the work in. I think though if I offer to pay this time, maybe my parents will be more receptive. I don’t want to […]
I’ve talked about not being proud. I’ve talked about feeling like a worthless failure. I’ve talked about not being able tp measure up to the tasks given to me. The thing is I don’t want to be successful. I don’t want to be proud. I just want to be ok. I just want to look at myself in the mirror and feel no particular way. I need to be ok.
The weekend is over. Tomorrow is Monday. I notice that ever since taking this job, I have been acutely aware of time. Tomorrow starts five days. In about 9 hours I will wake up. At 8 am, it will be 9 hours then I will go home. It will take 4 hours before I can have my lunch break. Then I have 1 hour to try and keep myself together. Then I have 4 more hours to really start panicking. In 24 hours I will be in my bed again having a small anxiety attack about […]
I’m trying to think of a time where I was proud to be me. Where I was glad to be me. I can’t think of any. I think for brief moments in my life I was proud of certain things. But I think about it and all seems so superficial and meaningless. I have very few skills to be proud of. Very few accomplishments that I can think of. I’m only really good at getting good grades. But even then I feel like I got it trough luck and because I got things handed to me. […]
My head is all stuffed up. I’ve been here more than I’d like to. But no matter how much I write my thoughts down, my head is still all stuffed up. Today was my first day of work. I felt worthless as usual. I walked around following some guy I was supposed to be shadowing not knowing what to do. Everyone I passed by was looking at me. I didn’t like it. Already on my first day I felt like I was going to screw it up. There’s a thing on my shoulder that whispers in […]