Usually I think of a title for these, but for the past few posts I’ve left them blank. Don’t have any good ideas. I feel like I’ve flooded the site with all my posts for the past month or two. But besides that the site has been kinda dead. So why not? I treat this place more like a journal than a place to get comfort or advice. I mean those are nice and I do check for comments often, but for the most part it’s just a tool to help me dissect my thoughts. Been doing it […]
I recently remembered a “thought experiment” I had in my freshman year of high school. I asked my biology teacher if he’d rather live one more day but get to do everything he wants to do. No rules. Or if he’d rather continue living doing what he’s doing now. Of course he picked the safest answer. I was always doing that sort of thing in high school. Giving stupid hypotheticals. This particular hypothetical just reminded of my situation. Back then the main reason I was depressed was because I saw no point to life. As I […]
Got some awful news today. That shitty technician job came back bugging me if I wanted it or not. I thought they moved on so I agreed to say yes. I don’t want it. I simply do not want it. But I need a job. This is what I’m talking about when I say why bother with the the stuff you have to do. It comes off as childish, but if I don’t want to do it why should I? If I knew for sure that this was going to lead me to what I want, […]
Still here. Unfortunately. Days are getting by better, but I’m not exactly happy about it. Got a toothache where a filling was done a month or so ago. Don’t know if the filling is cracked or if I got another cavity in the same place. Either way it’s bad so I’m going to the dentist Thursday. Can you believe that’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to me in the past few days? November is half way done and I’m still living with my fucking parents. Wonderful.
Followed up that shitty company that wants me to […]
I write an entry maybe once every other day. I’ve needed to because I just don’t have anything else going on in my life. School kept me busy. A job would probably do the same if I could get one. But I just don’t care about any of it. Every time I think about killing myself, it’s so matter of fact. Like I’m thinking of calling in sick cause I don’t want to go somewhere. I guess killing yourself because you don’t want to deal with the things that come with life is pretty childish. But I’m […]
A lot of people say that nobody really knows what they’re doing and they’re all just trying to get by. I’ve said that before to some people. But I really really don’t know what I’m doing. I have these degrees don’t really mean anything. Couldn’t tell you a single fucking thing I learned. And I haven’t really kept up with anything either. Like study my old notes I lazily downloaded from canvas. So basically I’m unemployable. I already knew this but when I choked on that interview test a month ago, it really put the nail in […]
I don’t know if the higher dosage of my depression meds have kicked in or I’ve gotten over my latest round of rejections, but I’m not feeling as bad as I was last week. Not amazing, but not bad either. Just kinda middling. But the thing is I don’t really want to get better. Life is full of ups and downs. I get that. But I just want off the ride. It’s why I pushed myself so hard last year to kill myself. And the ups and downs don’t change the fact that I’m an unemployable dumb-ass […]
I had the most pointless psychiatric appointment today. I decided to be upfront about my depression and suicidal ideations. Didn’t see any point in not doing so. It was what he was being paid for. But I forgot how pointless it was to tell him. Got the usual spiel. Have you tried taking a break? Exercise regularly? Would it help to increase the dosage? Pointless. Apparently he’s going to send me a list of therapists as well. I thought I was paying extra so he could do psychotherapy as well. I guess he […]
Well I turned down the job offer from that defense start up. I kept putting it off because it was the first job offer I got from a legit engineering company. It hurt. But I’m not going to help create a system meant for killing people. Especially not for the Trump administration. Now I probably won’t get lucky again for another 4+ months. I hate this. I think the scariest thing is maybe if I didn’t turn it down and ended up working for them, I wouldn’t feel anything about what I did. I clearly have a […]
Today was my father’s birthday. All we did was go out to eat and have a cake my mom made. He doesn’t need a whole lot. It was my family and my Grandma. Once we had the cake and my grandma was ready to leave to go home, she gave me this bookmark with a prayer on it. Prayer to St. Anthony. She’s a devout Catholic. People have been treating me different lately. I don’t ever feel the need to fake being happy when I’m clearly not, so people can tell when something is “wrong” with me. […]
I just don’t have anymore motivation to apply for jobs. I already didn’t want to go into industry, now I’m not even welcome there. Originally I didn’t think it would be too difficult to find some mid company to work for and do the bare minimum for. I have these moments of arrogance that go completely against my extreme lack of self confidence. I get the crippling anxiety that comes with no confidence with the shortsightedness of my arrogance. There are literally no companies that I find interesting to work for. They all just blend together saying and doing […]
What is the exact threshold of pain a person needs to pass before they commit? I mentioned before therapists have described my suicidal ideation as a safety blanket. Something I turn to to feel comfortable when things are hard. The idea that I have an exit was soothing. But as much as I fantasize, I never actually do anything. All these years and I’ve never had a legitimate suicide attempt. Don’t know if fear or hope or stubbornness has held me back. Last year I got the bright idea to find the threshold. Throw myself completely and totally […]
He turned it in with like 2 hours to spare. Fucking ridiculous. Whatever. Putting off sending him another email cause I need to remind him about the second reference letter he needs to write and I feel like that will just annoy him more than my dozen reminder emails. Got to do it today though.
So I’ve only really though about passively dying but lately things have gotten so bad that I I’m starting to look for routes. Haven’t done that since I came up with the chemical asphyxiation plan last year. I’m starting to stare at all […]
I gave him a two month notice. Two months. And he still couldn’t turn in the reference material in on time. It’s due tomorrow at like 8 AM and I doubt he’ll fucking get it in on time. He said he’d turn it in two weeks ago and then he didn’t then this past Wednesday and then he didn’t and then yesterday and then he didn’t. What does it even matter. I never had a chance anyways. So it’s not like this ruined anything. I’d say I hope he managed to get in the other one on […]
I want to die. I really really want to die. I don’t want to deal with everything that comes with being alive. There’s just no way around it.
No longer waking up wishing that I died in my sleep first thing in the morning. For now. But I can’t say that I’m better. Just stagnant. Might hear something from the two companies I interviewed for either the end of this week or next. I shouldn’t say I feel confident about it because knowing my luck I’ll just get another rejection. I guess that’s why I haven’t been trying real hard submitting application lately. I haven’t tried for a while.
The hertz fellowship application is due Friday. One of my references hasn’t turned in their […]
I’m doing it right now. I keep looking at my research proposal draft and not doing anything to it. I see all the comments left and it just turns me off. It’s all fair criticism, but at the same time it reminds me of how completely out of my depth I’d be in a PhD program. With enough effort, anybody could probably get a PhD degree. I’m just not one of those people to put in the effort. Meaningful effort anyways. I’ll probably not touch my draft today and say I’ll do it tomorrow and repeat the same […]
Interview I had today was ok I think. I hate how nervous I get. I say I don’t care about any of this, but I still care enough to not want to fail. It’s a stupid contradiction. Either way, it went ok I think and I drove 6 fucking hours back home with the last two hours in the dark. Sucked dick.
I realized this morning why my current depression felt so nostalgic. It’s the same depression I had when I was in high school. All my life I’ve been depressed, but I’ve been depressed for different […]
I’ve been talking less and less to people around me. Keep it brief and keep it light. I just haven’t felt the need to say anything. Don’t got anything to say.
This research proposal isn’t going well. Don’t got any ideas and it’s not even something I really want to research anyways. I thought I found something that would be interesting, but I’m not even sure there was anything there to begin with. Probably just a pointless dead end. I’d like to say that this is the reason for why I haven’t really worked on my research […]
I had my third interview with this defense drone company today. It went well. Makes me a little sick. The people are nice and well meaning. But I did not become an engineer to work for the department of defense. Especially not this administration’s DoD. This particular interview made that even more apparent. I guess I’m a hypocrite for trying to get a DoD fellowship so I could do my PhD. The research proposal of which is still crap by all means. But I was proposing a pipe inspection robot. To help with infrastructure. […]