I had the most pointless psychiatric appointment today. I decided to be upfront about my depression and suicidal ideations. Didn’t see any point in not doing so. It was what he was being paid for. But I forgot how pointless it was to tell him. Got the usual spiel. Have you tried taking a break? Exercise regularly? Would it help to increase the dosage? Pointless. Apparently he’s going to send me a list of therapists as well. I thought I was paying extra so he could do psychotherapy as well. I guess he […]
Well I turned down the job offer from that defense start up. I kept putting it off because it was the first job offer I got from a legit engineering company. It hurt. But I’m not going to help create a system meant for killing people. Especially not for the Trump administration. Now I probably won’t get lucky again for another 4+ months. I hate this. I think the scariest thing is maybe if I didn’t turn it down and ended up working for them, I wouldn’t feel anything about what I did. I clearly have a […]
Today was my father’s birthday. All we did was go out to eat and have a cake my mom made. He doesn’t need a whole lot. It was my family and my Grandma. Once we had the cake and my grandma was ready to leave to go home, she gave me this bookmark with a prayer on it. Prayer to St. Anthony. She’s a devout Catholic. People have been treating me different lately. I don’t ever feel the need to fake being happy when I’m clearly not, so people can tell when something is “wrong” with me. […]
I just don’t have anymore motivation to apply for jobs. I already didn’t want to go into industry, now I’m not even welcome there. Originally I didn’t think it would be too difficult to find some mid company to work for and do the bare minimum for. I have these moments of arrogance that go completely against my extreme lack of self confidence. I get the crippling anxiety that comes with no confidence with the shortsightedness of my arrogance. There are literally no companies that I find interesting to work for. They all just blend together saying and doing […]
What is the exact threshold of pain a person needs to pass before they commit? I mentioned before therapists have described my suicidal ideation as a safety blanket. Something I turn to to feel comfortable when things are hard. The idea that I have an exit was soothing. But as much as I fantasize, I never actually do anything. All these years and I’ve never had a legitimate suicide attempt. Don’t know if fear or hope or stubbornness has held me back. Last year I got the bright idea to find the threshold. Throw myself completely and totally […]
He turned it in with like 2 hours to spare. Fucking ridiculous. Whatever. Putting off sending him another email cause I need to remind him about the second reference letter he needs to write and I feel like that will just annoy him more than my dozen reminder emails. Got to do it today though.
So I’ve only really though about passively dying but lately things have gotten so bad that I I’m starting to look for routes. Haven’t done that since I came up with the chemical asphyxiation plan last year. I’m starting to stare at all […]
I gave him a two month notice. Two months. And he still couldn’t turn in the reference material in on time. It’s due tomorrow at like 8 AM and I doubt he’ll fucking get it in on time. He said he’d turn it in two weeks ago and then he didn’t then this past Wednesday and then he didn’t and then yesterday and then he didn’t. What does it even matter. I never had a chance anyways. So it’s not like this ruined anything. I’d say I hope he managed to get in the other one on […]
I want to die. I really really want to die. I don’t want to deal with everything that comes with being alive. There’s just no way around it.
No longer waking up wishing that I died in my sleep first thing in the morning. For now. But I can’t say that I’m better. Just stagnant. Might hear something from the two companies I interviewed for either the end of this week or next. I shouldn’t say I feel confident about it because knowing my luck I’ll just get another rejection. I guess that’s why I haven’t been trying real hard submitting application lately. I haven’t tried for a while.
The hertz fellowship application is due Friday. One of my references hasn’t turned in their […]
I’m doing it right now. I keep looking at my research proposal draft and not doing anything to it. I see all the comments left and it just turns me off. It’s all fair criticism, but at the same time it reminds me of how completely out of my depth I’d be in a PhD program. With enough effort, anybody could probably get a PhD degree. I’m just not one of those people to put in the effort. Meaningful effort anyways. I’ll probably not touch my draft today and say I’ll do it tomorrow and repeat the same […]
Interview I had today was ok I think. I hate how nervous I get. I say I don’t care about any of this, but I still care enough to not want to fail. It’s a stupid contradiction. Either way, it went ok I think and I drove 6 fucking hours back home with the last two hours in the dark. Sucked dick.
I realized this morning why my current depression felt so nostalgic. It’s the same depression I had when I was in high school. All my life I’ve been depressed, but I’ve been depressed for different […]
I’ve been talking less and less to people around me. Keep it brief and keep it light. I just haven’t felt the need to say anything. Don’t got anything to say.
This research proposal isn’t going well. Don’t got any ideas and it’s not even something I really want to research anyways. I thought I found something that would be interesting, but I’m not even sure there was anything there to begin with. Probably just a pointless dead end. I’d like to say that this is the reason for why I haven’t really worked on my research […]
I had my third interview with this defense drone company today. It went well. Makes me a little sick. The people are nice and well meaning. But I did not become an engineer to work for the department of defense. Especially not this administration’s DoD. This particular interview made that even more apparent. I guess I’m a hypocrite for trying to get a DoD fellowship so I could do my PhD. The research proposal of which is still crap by all means. But I was proposing a pipe inspection robot. To help with infrastructure. […]
Interview went pretty bad today. Was like 10 minutes long. I don’t give a fuck about tomorrow’s interview but I have to do it. I just don’t care anymore. It’s the middle of fucking October and I’m still here. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I keep thinking all my problems would be solved if my heart just gave out when I slept. Or I had a brain aneurysm. Or I just get stabbed or something. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. It’s pointless to continue on. Nothing to […]
There’s an episode of Gravity Falls where the characters fall down a bottomless pit. It’s one of those short story episodes where each character tells their own mini story. They did this because they were so incredibly bored while falling down the pit. I guess I understand that feeling. This whole situation is one bottomless pit and I’m falling down it. But I’m not scared or sad or angry. I’m just really fucking bored. Tomorrow I have my 12th job interview. I think it’s the 12th. I never counted. I don’t even want to be […]
On Saturday I went out of town with my mom to attend a concert that her distant cousin was preforming at and do a small marathon run the morning after. I just went to get out of the house. I wasn’t a problem the whole trip. I drove when asked, did what was asked of me, and just maintained an amicable disposition. Then out of no where my mom blind sides me about… I’m not even sure what. Something about not connecting with her or my father. Not being happy around them. I wasn’t doing anything to them. […]
Interviews went okish. Kinda screwed up the first one cause I was nervous and I actually kinda wanted this job. Second one went better but not by much. I immediately got a follow up for the second one though so that’s something. Sucks that it’s a defense company. I am in no position to be on my high horse and say that I’m too good to be working for those companies, but it’d be nice if the stuff I made didn’t end up getting people killed. It’s a technical interview with multiple parts so I’ll probably screw it up […]
Got a couple more interviews this week and next. I feel like nothing comes from them though. I bumble my way through questions I don’t understand, they say I did good and end the meeting, then they either ghost me or tell me no (which ghosting does too, but less direct.). I needed to email a follow up to two interviews from two weeks ago. One just finished doing all their interviews and needs to make a decision and the other said they weren’t interested. Would they have told me if I didn’t follow up with them? Probably not. […]
Still living with my parents. Still don’t have a job yet. Had 5 interviews in the past two weeks. I already told the technician job no. Just got a bad vibe from it. Seemed like a dead end job I’d be stuck at for years. Didn’t go to my interview for McDonald’s. Parents told me not too. Apparently I’m too good for McDonald’s? But not for Costco. I have no idea what they want and honestly I don’t care. I just really didn’t want to be a cashier again. Right now best […]
So yesterday I was complaining about how I just wanted something to happen already. Well something did. They’re offering me that crappy technician job in Austin that I didn’t want to interview for. The one with stripping cars all day long. The finger on the monkey paw curled. I’m trying to figure out which is worse. McDonald’s or technician job. I know I don’t want to do either. Technician job pays more (by like a handful of dollars an hour) and gets me away from my family. I don’t want to do either. But technician […]