Hello. Can’t get her out of my head. This is not good. This is horrible actually. Nothing good can come from this. She might be reading this. Probably not. Who the fuck willingly reads someone else’s suicide blog? My skull is a rattling cage. It keeps rattling and keeps me up at night. I need to overcome this. After graduation I’ll probably never see her again. So what’s the point of feeling this way? I makes no logical sense. It’s strange. Sometimes when I think about it I’m apathetic to […]
Hello. I don’t know how we ended up here. It seems like the routine was set before, but now it seems we’ve gone off course. The road before was very murky and unpleasant. It was familiar though. Familiar in the sense that nothing was surprising. It was painful, but a familiar type of painful. This new pain is different though. What is it exactly? Why is it the it is? It’s really hard to look at. we tend to turn away when it happens. It just doesn’t seem like something we should […]
Hello. I mentioned this last post, but I’m thinking about telling a normie about this place. My reasons aren’t really clear even to me. I just feel like I can’t stop keeping it in my head anymore. I just felt like asking what you think about this. I know smith said it was a bad idea, but I feel like I don’t have control of the situation anymore. What do you guys think?
Hello. Guess who crawled back to that one person I talked about last time. Didn’t even last a week. I think I got a taste of what it felt like to be open with someone and now I’m hooked. I’m making this sound like a drug thing. It is if you think about it. To be dependent on a person like that. It could mean more pain later on. Maybe. It’s hard to tell. Funny thing is I’m thinking about showing her this place. Let her read some of my posts. To let […]
Hello. Back here again. Bit resentful that I am. Didn’t even take that long either. It never really does. So I lost the one person I started to comfortably talk to about this stuff. Told her I had feelings for her and she told me she had a boyfriend. I was the one that decided that we should stop talking. Knew it would be bad if I got even more attached to her. I really didn’t want to be “that guy”. You know every time things start to get better, I know for a fact […]
Hello. So it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Almost 2 weeks. Some things have happened since then. Went to Minnesota to visit my uncle. Adolescent Psychiatrist. Gave me some tips in what to look for. Told him things I’ve never told another person. Felt odd. I haven’t been on in a while. Don’t know if it’s because I don’t need this place (for now) or because I just forgot. I really don’t know what these pills are doing to me. I’ve stopped thinking about death. Is it because of my break […]
Hello. So my last post was about my first therapy session I had and since then I’ve been thinking about it and everything that has happened recently. So I’ve been on medication since Tuesday, but I’m already feeling minor side effect. Mind you they have me on the lowest dosage possible and it’s been less than a week. I’m getting the normal stomach ache during the day and head ache when I wake up. Other than that it’s just fine. I haven’t felt worse mentally like some people have warned me, but I don’t feel that particularly great either. […]
Hello. So I went to my first therapy session yesterday. I have a mixture of feelings to be honest, but overall it seems like it went over well. Really the first session was just to assess what I had. After a string of questions, which apparently lasted half an hour even though it didn’t feel that long, he said I had a textbook case of depression (what a surprise). Although what did catch me off guard was the textbook part. I wasn’t aware of how consistent it is, I guess you would say. I thought that it was […]
Hello. Do you ever think that everyone else is not that different from us? We always go on about how everyone else is happy and how they’ve got it figured out and why can’t we be like them. At least that was the topic of some of my posts. But do you ever think that no one really has it figured out? That they are just pretending to know what they are doing or that they are simply ignoring their own suffering. So much so that they even fooled themselves. Maybe everyone is really miserable, but we are […]
Hello. This big year-long project is almost due, and I have little to nothing to show for it. It’s come up in my head that I could avoid presenting if I just off myself. I mean it’s not like I’m doing it just to avoid presenting, but I think it would be funny if the final tipping point was me pussing out of presenting. I guess it would just be extra oomph really. I just wanted to share this small thought. Thanks for listening if you are.
Hello. You know how when something is consistently on your mind you momentarily forget about it? It’s such a strange feeling. I woke up yesterday, listened to a podcast while mowing the lawn, got a sandwich from the deli, and went to work out. Got home and watched the new episode of super. I went to the restroom and realized, “oh yeah, everything is pointless.” There was a whole day where I forgot about my bizarre existential crisis, if you could call it that. An entire day where I just existed without really thinking about it. It’s […]
Hello. It’s a hard feeling to describe. I’d like to say the past year or so, but I feel that’s a bit inaccurate. I always talk about how it comes and goes, but when one or the other happens, it’s hard to remember the other one. I feel as if I’m only ever half there. Anywhere I go, I feel that a part of me just isn’t responding. I’ve thought maybe it’s “senioritis” I kept hearing about when I was an underclassman, but it seems to be in everything I do. It’s really hard to determine if that’s […]
Hello. On Saturday my mom asked me to go the washateria to wash all the floor mats and heavy blankets. It was around 2 in the afternoon and I go in my little truck to the washateria and dump all my items in the little push truck. After putting a 10 in the change machine I walk over to the heavy duty washers and load about 3 of them. I spend about 9 dollars and walk over to sit by the wall with everyone else. Since I’m on the border of Texas, there were a lot of mexican families visiting […]
Hello. Do you ever have those little moments of clarity? You will be doing whatever it is you are doing at that point, and it just kind of snaps in your head. How pointless it all is. The thing is that you are aware of this fact already, but for some reason at that exact moment, it seems more real than it normally does. The weight of nothingness. You think about it for a moment, and just sit there for a minute or two, staring off into space. Your knees get a bit weak and things either start […]
Hello. So today I was going about my usual business when I started thinking. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that all my perceived problems are traced back to three irrefutable facts of life. Every little problem I faced was not really caused by these facts, but instead were symptoms of these facts. They are signs that these facts are true and prove that this is the way things go in a sense.
1) Money is Progress and Progress is King
The, I suppose, whole point of why people keep doing what they do is for […]
Hello. Why does this bother you? It’s the same as before, so you should already know this feeling. It still bothers you though. Why is that? It’s easiest when nothing happens. You don’t think about it. Yet you felt the need to say something. You could have just remained silent. This is no different from all the other times. This one shouldn’t be feel any different. The weekends are boring and lonely and the regular week is long and difficult. I’ve just been dragging myself through it all. Inch by inch. […]
Hello. Sometimes I feel like my top wasn’t screwed on properly. It’s like sometimes some of the stuff leaks out of the side or that there is a dull humming that isn’t supposed to be there. Some days it’s easier to deal with it, other times not so much. The teacher said my essay was good. It was basically me saying how pointless life was and how MacBeth accepted how little human existence means. I think I got an A. I have fantasies of what it would be like to have something interesting happen. I feel that […]
Hello. So after thinking about it for a bit I realized that I teeter between two type of general “moods” I guess you would call them. Either I get into this depressive state where I don’t want to say or do anything and I keep my mouth completely shut and keep my head down. Basically I’ve checked out. Or I get in this hyper active mood where the dumbest, inane, and disturbing things come out of my mouth. I’m this bizarre freak that takes weird pleasure from watching the reactions I get from people. Either way I feel that I’ve […]
Hello. So I have an English project where me and two other students annotate, analysis, and present on two poems from a group of 12 or so. The general theme among the poems is “Carpe Diem” or “Seize the Day”. Just my luck it turns out the two poems my group picked, John Donne’s “The Flea” and Andrew Marvell’s “To His Coy Mistress”, are about sex. The one thing everyone wants (Unless you’re like asexual or something). As I’ve stated before one of my greatest fears is ending up alone. While I mainly want someone to spend time […]
Hello. So I got my doctor’s referral today. It’s some psychiatrist in the next town over. I really hope the wait isn’t that long for appointments. I despise waiting rooms. I’m trying to remember when I first started to feel it. The pointlessness to it all. I think back to when I was in elementary and remember that I never really had any questions about my purpose. I never really thought about how there really is no point to this daily cycle. Middle school was rough. I think I was more concerned about having few […]