It persists. Despite knowing otherwise, it persists. I know the facts, it was told right to my face, but it still persists. I need a mind scrubbing. It’s very stubborn, but it will eventually give in. There is no need to bring it up again. It is simply something I must work through. Yet it persists. Like an annoying bell that keeps on ringing. I’m going to silence that bell. Even if I have to shatter it into pieces. I must ingrain that memory into my head. It was like a twisting sensation. […]
So I talked to the psychiatrist. The lack of Effexor caused the chills and cold sweat and the Abilify caused the restlessness. He called it Akathisia. He gave me pills for that and told me to stop taking the ablilify. I still feel a bit restless though. At least now I can sit down and type this. I can never tell if the side effects are from the medication or just in my head. I’m going to be leaving soon. Highschool is almost over and college awaits. I always say that I want to start over, […]
So I was supposed to take Abilify AND Effexor instead of just Abilify. Abilify is an anti psychotic meant for treating Schizophrenia and Bipolar. Essentially I was putting myself into shock slowly by taking just the Abilify. I felt unbelievably cold and everything felt lightheaded. I really hated it. It was like dying slowly and not in a good way. I have extreme reservations about taking the Abilify even if I take the Effexor as well, but you know. Any thoughts? Anyone know what I’m talking about. That one guy who gave me all that advice […]
It’s hard to determine what’s even going on anymore. It all just seems like a big jumbled mess. I think the new medication is messing with my head. Everything feels all lethargic and sleepy. Like having a big meal in the afternoon and getting that big sleepy vibe. You can feel it in the back of the eyes and on the front top of the skull. The thing is it lasts all day. Nothing tastes good. Everything tastes like sand. I don’t even know if going to the hospital is a good thing. They want […]
I think I had a turn around. I want to live. Not because I see the joy in living or that I realized how painful it would be for others to see me go. I want to spite myself. I want to look at that 90% that tells me I want to die right in the eye and say FUCK YOU. I just had a talk with someone. They have a similar mindset as me in regards to something different. They were secure. The same way I was secure with the idea of death. After stepping outside […]
I’m a coward. I’m simply running away from my problems. School, my parents, college applications. I’m just running. I don’t belong here. People who have the strength to face the world head on belong here. I’m not one of them. I’m a broken gear in a world of meticulous machinery. They all go ticking along while I sputter and stop. I shouldn’t have involved her. She probably wants nothing to do with this place. She probably left a long time ago. It’s better this way. All I was doing by showing this […]
So I’m going to check myself into the hospital on Monday. It was decided after I changed my prescription and had a talk with my counselor. Of course I could have gone that day, but my mom and her decided that it would be best to wait. See how the new meds effect me and plus there is no group therapy on the weekends. I told the counselor that I wanted to kill myself. Not because I was scared or I was in pain at the time. I looked her in the eyes, and with an absolute straight face […]
I’m dying. Not in a good way. In a way that keeps you going. In a way that chips away all the will. In a way that breaks you down and builds you up in their image. I’m dying. I need a talk.
I’m going to ask my counselor if she could send me to the behavioral center. I’m trying to avoid the big project. I’m trying to avoid certain people at school. I’m tired of seeing the same school walls during the day. I’m tired of seeing the same bedroom walls every night. I want to meet people like me. I want to understand their problems. I want to meet a certain person their. I don’t know if they are there, but I have a feeling. I’m going now.
He has the pilot wings while I clean the cherry coke water fountains. I can look out the windows while I clean. I like it this way. I think of the ramblings and I think of the non ramblings. This is a non rambling. I’m undeserving of life. I can’t keep up. I am slow and weak. I don’t deserve the pain or the pleasure. The misery or the manic. The anger or the aloof. I don’t derserve any of it. I’m glad. They can have it. It’s the way it should […]
I’m a puppet on a string and I must dance. No matter how thin the needles get, I must dance. The slipping knots know not what I want. It forces my head under and drowns it all out. Someone please just answer. Whisker-Fish? Rocketman? SeeSmith? ANyone… I don’t want to dance anymore. The needles poke at my eyes and ears. They stick to my tongue and make me lie. If only I had the strength to end it on my terms. Not theirs but mine. That’s all I want in this world. […]
Hello. I just watched about half of the first episode of Legion and I am fascinated with the bizarre surreal scenes. The ones where everything shifts and moves in odd directions and where everything gets fast and then slow and then fast again. The lights dim and flash and dim and flash and dim and flash and dim and flash and dim and flash and dim and flash all about all over the place over here and there and everywhere that has no eyes or pudding pies. I want more of that. Bizarre surrealism. Does anyone know of anything […]
Hello. Can’t get her out of my head. This is not good. This is horrible actually. Nothing good can come from this. She might be reading this. Probably not. Who the fuck willingly reads someone else’s suicide blog? My skull is a rattling cage. It keeps rattling and keeps me up at night. I need to overcome this. After graduation I’ll probably never see her again. So what’s the point of feeling this way? I makes no logical sense. It’s strange. Sometimes when I think about it I’m apathetic to […]
Hello. I don’t know how we ended up here. It seems like the routine was set before, but now it seems we’ve gone off course. The road before was very murky and unpleasant. It was familiar though. Familiar in the sense that nothing was surprising. It was painful, but a familiar type of painful. This new pain is different though. What is it exactly? Why is it the it is? It’s really hard to look at. we tend to turn away when it happens. It just doesn’t seem like something we should […]
Hello. I mentioned this last post, but I’m thinking about telling a normie about this place. My reasons aren’t really clear even to me. I just feel like I can’t stop keeping it in my head anymore. I just felt like asking what you think about this. I know smith said it was a bad idea, but I feel like I don’t have control of the situation anymore. What do you guys think?
Hello. Guess who crawled back to that one person I talked about last time. Didn’t even last a week. I think I got a taste of what it felt like to be open with someone and now I’m hooked. I’m making this sound like a drug thing. It is if you think about it. To be dependent on a person like that. It could mean more pain later on. Maybe. It’s hard to tell. Funny thing is I’m thinking about showing her this place. Let her read some of my posts. To let […]
Hello. Back here again. Bit resentful that I am. Didn’t even take that long either. It never really does. So I lost the one person I started to comfortably talk to about this stuff. Told her I had feelings for her and she told me she had a boyfriend. I was the one that decided that we should stop talking. Knew it would be bad if I got even more attached to her. I really didn’t want to be “that guy”. You know every time things start to get better, I know for a fact […]
Hello. So it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Almost 2 weeks. Some things have happened since then. Went to Minnesota to visit my uncle. Adolescent Psychiatrist. Gave me some tips in what to look for. Told him things I’ve never told another person. Felt odd. I haven’t been on in a while. Don’t know if it’s because I don’t need this place (for now) or because I just forgot. I really don’t know what these pills are doing to me. I’ve stopped thinking about death. Is it because of my break […]
Hello. So my last post was about my first therapy session I had and since then I’ve been thinking about it and everything that has happened recently. So I’ve been on medication since Tuesday, but I’m already feeling minor side effect. Mind you they have me on the lowest dosage possible and it’s been less than a week. I’m getting the normal stomach ache during the day and head ache when I wake up. Other than that it’s just fine. I haven’t felt worse mentally like some people have warned me, but I don’t feel that particularly great either. […]
Hello. So I went to my first therapy session yesterday. I have a mixture of feelings to be honest, but overall it seems like it went over well. Really the first session was just to assess what I had. After a string of questions, which apparently lasted half an hour even though it didn’t feel that long, he said I had a textbook case of depression (what a surprise). Although what did catch me off guard was the textbook part. I wasn’t aware of how consistent it is, I guess you would say. I thought that it was […]