Hello. Haven’t checked this site in about three months. I haven’t had any real need to. I think I’m fine. For now anyways. Checked it just to see how things were going and to get out of doing work. Lot’s of new names. Don’t recognize any of them. How many are still around? Rocket Man? Whiskered Fish? Shattered Iris? Mindless Gamer? I still have problems. Not worth killing myself over, but they are still problems. I don’t really have anyone. That’s ok. I’m fine. I hope the […]
Hello. Well I’m back to square one. I’ve been going on about 2 months without a freak out. I never really thought that I wouldn’t be back, but I never really thought about when I would be back either. I had to go to the doctors to get a prescription and a card. Standard stuff. I was in the car with my mom seeing as how I still haven’t taken the damn driver’s test. I purposely put her in a bad mood by talking about things that annoy her. Funny I just thought of something, but I”ll save […]
Hello. I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I don’t know why I care. I’m thinking of how pointless my life is right now. How much of a nothing it is right now. Why the fuck am I even complaining? I’ve got nothing to complain about. I’m feed, I have a bed, I don’t have any relationship problems mainly because I don’t have one. Why does it seem all pointless. I have a clear defined path right fucking in front of me and I still feel like I have […]
Hello. I think I have made some progress. It has been almost a month so this will be a long post. Yesterday was the first day of my family’s roadtrip to California. Since coming back from the school trip, I haven’t gone out much. Most of the time I spent was playing games or watching youtube. For almost a full month I haven’t thought about killing myself. Then it hit me. The depression hit me again yesterday. I didn’t understand. Why after all this time. After I got yelled at for wanting the lights […]
Hello. For the past few days, I’ve been feeling more and more empty. I guess it feels like a mixture of sadness and anger, but mostly nothingness. Just white noise. I’ve fantisized more and more about jumping. I’m in the big city right now, so tall buildings are everywhere. Curently I’m on the third floor of the dorms. I’m just curious about the sensation. The feeling of falling. I’m too much of a ***** to ever jump, but I can’t help but wonder. I’m on my phone right now and typing in plain sight. […]
Hello. I want to want to be alone. I did not repeat myself. I want to posses the attitude of wanting to be alone. I get that I’m alone, but I hate that feeling of wanting to be apart of other people’s lives. I was in the mall today, on another field trip. I sat alone at the food court watching people walk by, usually in groups. They were talking, laughing, and smiling like regular people. I hated it. My head was pounding the entire time, telling me to get as far away as possible. […]
Hello. Today we went to the health museum. Once we got in the first thing I noticed was a row of black and white pictures with headphones attached to them. Each picture was a portrait of a person, with a few exeptions of people in the distance. I read the sign and it said that it was an exhibit on mental illness. I picked a picture of a particular sad man who looked to be in his late 50s and put on the headphones and pressed the button. What I heard nearly brought me to tears. He said he […]
Hello. Today I went to a communications class. If you read my last post (it’s ok if you didn’t), you know I’m visiting a university with my school. Today they tried to teach us about our college application essay. You basically have to tell a story about yourself that demonstrates your intests and personality while tying it with your academic goals. Thing is, is that I don’t have a story like that. I don’t have a particular moment or possess an aspect that I’m proud of or think is intresting. This essay has to put me in a good light, but I don’t see myself […]
Hello. It has been a while. I am currently on a trip right now with my school visiting a university. We basically shadow graduate students and learn a bit about the reserch project. Today a group of the kids played a prank on one kid. They told him something was due by a certain time and he was panicing. He eventually found out and he was pretty mad about it. That makes me wonder if they are talking shit about me or worse planning something for me. I don’t really talk much and I usually stay in my dorm rather than be with […]
Hello. I’m a bit tired. Today was the last day. Nothing big really happened. I angered my parents today. One of them can be very vindictive. I got to school 2 minutes before the bell. They took a long time getting ready on purpose. I had a final to take. I had to run across the lawn when it was water logged. My shoes got wet and I had to go around walking the rest of the morning with wet socks. It isn’t that big of a deal. Although I could do without the backhanded comments. “I don’t need another lazy son.” she tells my […]
Hello. It is currently 1:03 am while typing this. I guess I just wanted to talk. Last day of school tomorrow. I don’t really know how to feel about that. I guess I am some what indifferent. I know I’ve already spoken about it enough. Where is everything? A lot of these tend to be random thoughts. None of the thoughts I have are really coherent anymore. There just kind of there. It is somewhat funny. It is currently 1:06. To the older readers, what is it like? Having to deal with all pain and the like. With school, I guess there is always a […]
Hello. I have two days left in school. You can tell in everyone’s mood. It is getting louder. Everyone is running around busy with finals and friends. The hallways are so loud you can barely hear yourself think. I’m going to leave soon. I’ll be on my own soon, not to see others for a solid 3 months. I’m not sure how to feel. My head feels a bit squeezed. Every feel like you have something to do, but you don’t know what it should be? Like a feeling in your feet the means it needs to be moving. Walking is a somewhat odd thing. […]
I’m not really aware of what others are thinking. I guess no one really does, but it is easier for some to understand others. It is the last week of school, and people have I guess noticed me. Normally, I just go about my day and nobody says anything to me or even really acknowledges me. However, in the past few days people have actually said hi and smiled at me and the like. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but seeing as how this sort of thing hasn’t really happened to me until these last few days it draws some concern. Why […]
Hello. I have less than 1 week left in school. I can’t seem to stay still. Going to a place full of people like school is agony. I hate it. I got to get away. I can’t stay still. Every time I look around, I see people having a great time and spending it with others. I understand that I am alone. I just don’t want to show up to a place where it constantly reminds me. This restlessness has extended at home as well. Even in my room I can’t sit still. I want out. It’s driving me insane. Like I need to be […]
Hello. Im at school right now. I should be studying but I’ve got to decompress first. I don’t think people want me atound. I don’t feel well. Do you ever wish you could stick your hand inside your head and rip out the things you don’t like about yourself? I would like to rip out the thing inside my head that makes me feel weird when around others. I wish I could stop caring. I don’t feel well. I don’t want it anymore. Back to studying. Thanks for listening.
Hello. Today was a bit rough. I have a little under two weeks left for school. I just need to get through it. Around this time I get kind of depressed. I am never comfortable around people and school is the only time I am ever around people. When it comes to summer, I do my utmost to stay away from public places. However, I can’t help but feel kind of shitty when going back to that routine. It means I really am alone. When you have no reason to be around people, it means people have no reason to be around you. You are […]
Hello. It has been sometime. I’ve been busy. I’ve actually felt not terrible. Not good, but not terrible. Yesterday I went to a beach clean up. A lot of people were there. Made me realize how difficult it is for me to be around other people. I hardly spoke, and could never look anyone in the eye. It’s pretty difficult. Lots of girls there. It was the beach so they wore skimpy tops and short shorts. Didn’t know what to do. Tried to stay as far as possible. When I was alone, it actually felt nice. Alone with my thoughts. It is actually starting to […]
Hello. Haven’t posted in a while. Testing week was hell. Tired. Ended testing week off with an important interview. Felt like a fraud. I dressed up as something I wasn’t. Smiled. Used hand gestures. I was articulate. They seemed very pleased. The final question was why I thought I deserved the position. I wanted to scream out I didn’t deserve it. That I was a fraud. That I was a liar. That I was a horrible person. I sat there for 30 seconds. I finally came up with some bullshit answer. They said I got it. Went up to shake their hand. I felt a […]
Hello. It’s been a little while. It’s testing week. Had to study. Should be studying. Wanted to do a quick post. This post is going to be dumb and whiny. Please don’t be mad. I can’t handle it when girls smile at me. It bothers me. A part of me thinks that she might like me or think I’m attractive. Then the bigger part of me thinks that’s stupid and would never happen. I really don’t know how to talk to or be around girls. I can’t really even handle it if they look in my direction. This one girl I don’t even know that […]
Hello. I’ve felt that I have hit a wall recently. I haven’t progressed. I don’t really know where to go? You know I thought I had everything figured out, as far as future plans. Go to college, get a major in mechanical engineering, get a job at a local engineering firm etc. But that doesn’t really feel realistic. I recently had to write a life purpose letter. It was for some project I’m doing and it requires a letter that basically explains my plans for life. And I found it ironic. I thought about all the plans I had and realized none of it really […]